2-- MOSTLY AGREE. My mind says "focus on you and the boys"... but then it does not. it disobeys me. But today something felt different. I really felt ok today. I took care of some business today... I didn't feel miserable. I felt ok by myself.
3-- I like 3... I will repeat those words in my head.
So I just got off the phone with her. We had a very nice talk. I was planning on coming up for the weekend but it really puts her in a bad place. me being in "her" house... in her space... she was talking about how uncomfortable it would be with me sleeping there (past experiences proved this). I agree. I'm actually tired of that scene (her house, the tension... all that). So I decided to give her a break this weekend. I told her I felt she probably needed a break from me... that we are like two charged magnets right now. I asked her how she felt about this. she agreed and seemed to think it would be good too. As much as I want to see my boys I also don't think carting them back and forth between states every weekend is all that fun for them either. I also feel like I need to study a bit-- and get on track with that as I have my oral boards coming up for CT surgery. I can't let this derail me from passing that. so I need to focus on that for me-- and them.
I didn't really do this to make any progress with her (at least short term). I really think for her mental health she needs a break from me. Then she said, "so then we will come down the following weekend?" and I said, "lets just see". nicely. but in a way that I wanted her to know that we should just see... no pressure... these are all 180s to some extent... but really its just for both of our mental health I think. wounds are raw and get ripped open every weekend. I need to continue to work on myself... and getting used to being on my own again. she took care of me for so many years while I trained. now I've got to do it myself... nobody else will.
I feel like this is a big step for me. That I feel like I might be ok here on my own for the weekend... that I am feeling ok by myself.
as for an honest look inside her mind...well... I'm just not sure she's giving me that. if she isn't she sure as hell is expending a whole hell of a lot of energy decieving the crap out of me...
can't argue with too much her and not enough b-- but the scales are lifting a little bit.
I'm working on getting my crap together bill. there's a lot of fallout though. but I will make it. I feel like I will today.
and I will take your word for it that it is not insignificant stuff (positive I think you mean, right?)... rather than some crazy attempt to keep me in the MLC's on deck batter's circle (patent pending on that term)
