How to shake up spouse without having an affair?

[sleeplessinspoke]

Wow, I really want to agree with haphazard. I just can't go that far. I am hoping against hope that ssmguy is right to try to hold on. I am only 13 years into my ssmarraige and I still get a begrudging rogering about once every month or two. She just can't seem to make peace with the fact that if she just doesn't want to there is no good that will come of trying for my sake, if nothing else.

The 'wimp' comments about how ssmguy (me also) have allowed wife to get away with it resinate very powerfully with me. It is the reaction I got when I first came on board and rightfully so. When a woman that you otherwise love and respect denies you sex because she's not turned on by you any longer that is one slap in the face. When she also doesn't care enough to listen to you tell her how important it is for you to feel connected with her and makes no effort to try to explore or discuss any reasons for this, that will reduce any man to a wimp in his own mind if nowhere else, pretty fast.

I am actually worried my wife is actually the one with the affair going on despite her evidence and suggestions that she is just not a sexual person. The lack of effort makes far more sense under these conditions. Saying that I want out and meaning it might be just what she is waiting for......this is why a certain amout of 'wait and see if it fizzles' or 'trying to get her to rediscover your connection' is a reasonable way for many of us to try to play this.....I have had very little success so only take it for what it is worth.