The journey begins

[ClingingToHope]

Gardener, as part of my Marriage Rebuilders class last summer -- the one I asked W to go to and she said no -- we took a personality quiz.

I am the type that just likes to get along and can adjust my personality to anyone. Problem for me is total commitment because I struggle with ever really trying to get what I really want.

W is the driven type that struggles with self esteem. She's always trying to prove herself.

One point it made about her personality type, don't give up on them.

I'll have to go over it again.

At church, they've been pushing hard this concept, "The Me I Want To Be" and the pastor said God gives you all the tools you need to lead a spiritually fulfilling life.

When I'm listening, I'm thinking of W and her self-esteem and depression issues and what Coach wrote a long time ago to me, show unconditional love even as it isn't returned. W may never have had that in her life.

It's going to be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard though. When we have good interactions, my head and heart right away begin hoping and rationalizing that perhaps things can turn around. Sometimes I put my defenses up because being "nice" feels like I'm letting her cake-eat. She wants to be friends. She wants me to accept it's over. She wants me to accept that she is doing the right thing.

When I think of that I get so angry. I don't want to be friends. I want to be her husband. I don't want this to be over. I want a second chance. I'll never believe this was the right thing.

I'm still such a mess.