flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[Gardener]

fm,

I don't know. I assume that many people think "well she must have been a real piece of work" if he would leave his children who he's so devoted to...His social circle consists of old out-of-town friends, and friends from work or his sport. So they will probably not hear my side of the story. H is very convincing...he even convinces me that I've been a misery to be married to .

Don't make assumptions. What's your track record in things you've made assumptions about actually coming to pass, being true? When I read The Four Agreements I had to admit that my record was damn near zero, so I work on never making assumptions.

I still think you may be surprised in the end: People know that a man who left his children because his wife is a real piece of work is a man who... left his children! That's devotion?

If he's very convincing, well, in my book that = smooth talker. I'd wager his friends take it with a grain of salt when he really goes on a tear.

Most people do believe the truth lies somewhere in between. Because it always does. In everything. They won't need to hear your side to know where in between it lies. It lies in between. That's all.

And besides, you're "borrowing" trouble from the future with all this.
You've got enough on your mind - and on your plate - as it as.

[flowmom]

I guess I would just bluntly ask you... putting your H aside what changes can you make in YOUR life that will improve YOUR life.

not in order of priority

• work on stress management
• develop a spiritual practice
• work specifically on detaching from my M
• become financially independent
• be the best mother that I can be
• get my children support from outside the family to help them cope with the emotional pain and help S6 with his issues
• figure out what it would take for me to laugh and have fun
• find an outlet for my desire for adventure that works with my life
• broaden my social horizons to include single women and men
• have a sexual fling
• become an amazing listener
• develop a soft, feminine assertiveness
• make my home into a refuge that embodies beauty and simplicity

[CityGirl]

Ok - well that is a very good list. Now pick the most pressing one. I sometimes think if you (general you) tackle one thing some of the rest sort of fall in to place.

IMO becoming financially independent will change your life in a HUGE way. This won't happen overnight but the sooner you can start this the better. I happen to think once you have your own money and you can support yourself without so much help from your H lots of other things will become easier.

Once you make the list you really have to get picky about how you will go about each line item and what steps you will take to get there.

For example... how will you work on stress management? What will you do each day to manage your stress? How much time will you devote to this?

Breakdown each line item with very specific details.

[flowmom]

Thanks all of you. Gardener, I think you're right...a normal person would assume that there are two sides when a D happens. rr, it helps to remind myself that badmouthing is all about H allieviating his guilt. Kalni, I read a chapter from Passionate Marriage, on working with the self. I like the emphasis on self-soothing. I think that's something that would help me. H4L, yeah, the self-esteem could use a little work.

I guess I probably come off as a total emotional mess. But you guys are helping me to take some positive babysteps for myself so I want you to know that I am a lot better off than I would be without your support. And when I calmly and firmly asked H to not have that conversation, I felt the strength of your support and it helped me to 1. take care of myself by setting a boundary and 2. take care of myself by keeping my dignity and not freaking out.

[Gardener]

fm,
Did I reply to an older post up there and not realize it? I responded to the link I got in email on Watched Losers. Now can't find the post I responded to. If it was old or wires got crossed from another's thread, I apologize.
I'm confused

[CityGirl]

You don't come off as an emotional mess. Remember you are talking to the original hot mess (me!) so I happen to be an expert on who is a mess (me!) and who is not!

We are all here to give each other strength. You have done LOTS of good work in the past 48 hours. Those of us further down the road know how hard it is so when you do good work then applaud yourself. It is not easy to admit the reasons you have to detach. It is not easy to make a list and spell out what you need to do for you. It is not easy to set a boundary as you did when you are hurt and shocked. You *did* do all those things. Be proud!

[flowmom]

BIL (H's "cool" younger brother who's visiting H) just told about how he's having really good "long talks" with H. I just said "that's good that H is having a chance to talk" but I'm thinking "why is he telling me this?? doesn't he realize what I must be assuming about what they're talking about?". Then he told me about how H's apartment "needed some love" and how he rearranged H's couches (!?) and plants (!!). I just can't fathom H having plants. He always acted like he didn't give a sh1t about any home that he's had in the 17 years that I've known him. Now he's buying new sheets and plants.

BIL wants to "hang out" with me. How am I supposed to respond to him talking about stuff above? I want to play it cool with him and not put off "I'm so devastated that I can't even talk to you" vibes.

[CityGirl]

Maybe he got plants so he has somebody to talk to

Tell H's brother you would love to hang out but you do not care to discuss anything about your H. Certainly the two of you must have something else you can discuss?!

While you might be friends with your H's brother at the end of the day he *is* your H's brother and that is where his deep loyalties will be. It's best to not discuss anything about your H with him.

[flowmom]

While you might be friends with your H's brother at the end of the day he *is* your H's brother and that is where his deep loyalties will be. It's best to not discuss anything about your H with him.

I totally agree and I don't want to fall into that trap. Just not sure how to respond to him bringing it up.

[rr22]

That FB comment is the same one she puts on every guy in her sports page who she meets to get more "votes" on her page because she wants to be a web fitness covergirl. End of mystery. There may be someone to worry about in the future, but it's not her.