The journey begins

[kat727]

You have to deal with what you have got and not what might have been, could have been or should have been.

Let's focus on what kind of life you want for you and your girls and start building it.

kat

[ClingingToHope]

It will likely get ugly. The central problem is this: I want joint custody, which also means a lower child support payment since we'd be splitting things, and I'm not going to budge.

I'm the one with the flexible job -- I can come and go as I please and work from home -- while she has to work at least 50 hours a week, including late nights, early mornings and Saturdays.

But W is going for sole custody because she can't afford the house with less than what she's getting now.

She threw me out. Why should I scrape by -- and have the girls see me scraping by -- while she lives in the big house?

But the house is underwater -- by a lot -- and I cover real estate and know the market is going to head down another 10 to 15 percent over the next year.

She'd have to go the short-sale route to get out of it, but that would mean having to move into a rental property and likely having to get rid of most if not all of the pets. They have a dog, cat, hamster and a fish.

Her argument will be that I'm forcing the girls from the home. Mine will be this was her decision. I never wanted to leave and even at the same level of support she won't be able to keep it. It's a true money pit. There are about two dozen things in need of improvement or repair.

And on and on it will go.

Side note. I sent W a text after the play saying the costumes looked great. She's on the committee and had to sew three dresses. I'm not sure which ones were hers, but I know she takes great pride in these plays.

I thought it would be a nice gesture.

[awest1217]

CTH, nice gesture and those things are what will help you out in the long run. You are trying to keep this civil, and although it may not, saying little things like that are good.

[Gardener]

kat,

I never gave up until I heard him say it was over for him under oath.

Yeah, me too. What a moment that was: like being punched in the stomach and you just can't breathe, can't get any air.

I had my frustrated, venting, give-up moments but my belief is that whatever your vows, whatever their wording, for me they all boil down to looking that person in the eyes in front of family and friends and saying, basically, "I am the one person who will never give up on you."

[ClingingToHope]

Gardener, as part of my Marriage Rebuilders class last summer -- the one I asked W to go to and she said no -- we took a personality quiz.

I am the type that just likes to get along and can adjust my personality to anyone. Problem for me is total commitment because I struggle with ever really trying to get what I really want.

W is the driven type that struggles with self esteem. She's always trying to prove herself.

One point it made about her personality type, don't give up on them.

I'll have to go over it again.

At church, they've been pushing hard this concept, "The Me I Want To Be" and the pastor said God gives you all the tools you need to lead a spiritually fulfilling life.

When I'm listening, I'm thinking of W and her self-esteem and depression issues and what Coach wrote a long time ago to me, show unconditional love even as it isn't returned. W may never have had that in her life.

It's going to be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard though. When we have good interactions, my head and heart right away begin hoping and rationalizing that perhaps things can turn around. Sometimes I put my defenses up because being "nice" feels like I'm letting her cake-eat. She wants to be friends. She wants me to accept it's over. She wants me to accept that she is doing the right thing.

When I think of that I get so angry. I don't want to be friends. I want to be her husband. I don't want this to be over. I want a second chance. I'll never believe this was the right thing.

I'm still such a mess.

[ClingingToHope]

Back to the theater for opening night of Narnia.

I bought a single ticket, but this is a volunteer thing and they might have placed me with D7 and W.

I must remember to be strong. Unfortunately, I feel like I'm getting the big cold going around.

That's not good. I have D7 this weekend. D11 is going to mostly be at the play.

Wish me luck and strength.

[Gardener]

Listen to your heart.

CTH, do you schedule, do you give yourself any alone time? And I mean Alone Time: Out in nature. For hours. Solitude. Be still. Listen. Quiet your mind. Be.

My favorite psalm is Ps. 46:10 It's more like a set of instructions as well as being several ever-deepening levels of prayer and several psalms in one.

Go be alone. Savor, explore, feel, be each word. Deeply. Take as long as you need with each.There is no rush. Nothing you have to do; nowhere you have to be. Just here. Here and now.

Psalm 46:10

"Be still and know that I am God"

Be..............Just Be. Just. Be. "Be what?"
Still............Still. Stiiiilll. Sshhhh! Breathe. Just breathe."And?"
And............And. Just and. The And may make itself known. "And what?"
Know..........Know. Know you can be, you are. Just you. You are enough. Know what it is time for you to know at this moment.
That I AM....Be. In His presence or whatever Presence you find yourself in. And you will find yourself part of a Presence.
God.............Yes.

Solitude and nature. At least that's my prescription. For life. For challenges. For dilemmas like yours.

"The woods are filled with answers."

[ClingingToHope]

Gardener, I avoid alone time because I have problems stopping my brain from making all of these leaps.

So I try to fill up my time as much as possible. Otherwise I'm on here or FB to keep connected.

I understand what you are saying, but ... I don't know, it doesn't work for me. I'm trying to go, go, go until something great happens to me.

[ClingingToHope]

Let's finish the day.

Got to play right as it was about to begin. As I thought, they had me seated with W and D7. That's OK. D7 was really excited.

Play went well. W and I mostly avoided each other's eyes. There were a couple of smiles.

One awkward moment. D7 at intermission went exploring for a while. Then we headed back into the theater. We went all the way to the front so she could sit on the stage.

W came back and sat down. D7 ran over to her and then ran back. W was smiling. Then D7 wanted to play messenger. She wanted me to give W a message. So I said tell her the costumes look great.

D7 ran over there and delivered the message and W said thanks.

D7 wanted another message, she said, "daddy, say I love you." Oh, well, how about "thanks for sitting with me."

She delivered it and got another thanks.

Again, she said, "daddy, say I love you."

No. I told her. That's probably not the right thing to say right now. How aout "you're pretty" she asked.

Finally, she settled on "nice sweater" and I said OK.

This time I glanced over and W didn't even look up. She stared at her program and said thanks.

The second half of the play was a little more awkward.

After, I walked D7 around for a bit, waiting for D11. D11 finally came up, I took a couple of pictures. We talked for a minute. D11 did not cry, which is good. She's an emotional type like me.

Then it was already 9:30 p.m. so W said they had to get going. Of course, if I still lived at home, I would have gathered D7 up right away and got her to bed. But this is W's night so she had to get them and get home.

D7 gave me a kiss and I was gone. I listened to George Harrison's "Here Comes The Sun" over and over again in the car.

I'm not sure what the vibe is in the theater troup. Everyone says Hi to me. W is so closed off and reserved that I'm not sure if she's said much of anything to anyone other than that we are separated.

It's D11 who keeps talking about our D. So I'm sure everyone knows, just not why.

Of course, I don't really know why either. I have my theories, but I'll never really know.

[mindfull]

CTH -

Gosh, I have a policy against getting personal here, especially since you're geographically close to me...

I'm not being unfriendly, but it's a little creepy... I'm sure you get it.

But, let me offer this.

My D18 is my H's step-daughter. Her dad and I were divorced when she was littlelittlelittle. I've dealt w/him for years, as far away as I could possibly do it, considering our large, but small community.

I want you to know, based on dealing w/kids and divorce, that it's one thing to deal w/their questions and comments, but it's another to fuel their fire.

ACT AS IF it's totally okay with you to be separting w/their mom. ACT AS IF it's an okay thing to deal w/separation and divorce. I, personally and professionally, have several friends who are dong a SUPERB job at co-parenting. So, lead your STBXW into that finality. Your girls are so young. So precious. If you can get past the hurt and anger at her actions (and, trust me, I understand your angst) you will be so much better off for them.

YOU will find YOU with someone else. We are not such a small pond, here.

Just my thoughts. You seem like a really caring father. Now be the DAD they need!

HUGS