flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[flowmom]

I had a DB coaching session with Dotty this morning and I think it was useful. Here are the notes:

- she encouraged me to focus on where to put my energy and to not focus on FB and the dating issue

- she said that clients who focus on snooping, etc. end up hurting themselves and it doesn't really help with DBing

- if H specifically mentions dating to me and puts me on the spot, say something like "I can't control what you do but we're married and I choose not to" or "Oh? you're dating?" and not make a big deal about it

- she encouraged me to concentrate making changes for myself that are permanent

- she encouraged me to follow up on this email from H (after he had the phone conversation trashing me to his friend while in the children's bedroom):

I'm sorry that I was indiscreet tonight. I don't often get a chance to talk to that particuliar friend, and thought I could be quiet enough to share my perspective with him (not that I should be giving anyone advice these days). But I shouldn't air my laundry when you or the kids are there, even when theyre asleep

Sorry

She wants to link and build on that email. First say to him "i've been thinking and i'd like to talk when you have some time", but try to have the conversation at another time. In the convo start by saying "i wanted to get back to you to say thank you. I appreciate the email that you sent me the other night. I think we both want the same thing: to protect the children from conversations and situations that might be confusing and upsetting for them. I'm always reminding myself that little pitchers have big ears. Regardless of what happens in the future, for now I think it's best if we keep our personal lives and our parenting lives separate to make things as stable as possible for the children. Do you feel that we can be partners in that?".

- we talked about my bringing up the dating issue and the trial separation issue in the above convo, but when I brought up the MLC issue she recommended avoiding any communication that could be seen as confronting

- we talked a fair bit about whether to follow my IC's advice to get H into a session to discuss the term of the separation (ie dating during a trial separation). On the one hand, Dotty has been to a training session with my IC and has a lot of respect for him and his therapeutic style (narrative therapy). On the other hand, she felt that the whole issue of "don't ask the question if you don't want to hear the answer" was a problem, and that it could reinforce H's plan to D and give him the opportunity to express how much he is done with me. She encouraged me to ask my IC more about the strategy and what I could hope to accomplish by doing that.

- she felt that how I handled the 2 boundary issues (lying about being at the firehall, and having a personal convo while with my sleeping children in my home) was good

- a lot of her advice seems to be focused on letting him pace the communication, getting to the communication in a warm, appreciative, somewhat roundabout way, and building on his communication

- She wants me to take H at face value and accept his statements as truth in our communication. She says he is living a double life...my taking him at face value leaves him accountable for and alone with his deceipt. she quoted an advice personality who says "be stupid and cheerful"

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comments on the advice?