WAW Using God II

[25yearsmlc]

you did hit the nail on the head with regard to my personality - very calm and easygoing. I can be opinionated and passionate in debate, which was a turn off for my W.

Do you understand why?

Tactics of pursuit obviously go against the DB principles, and that is what I'd have to use to fight for her, do you not agree?

Pursuit and standing up for your woman are not the same things. Pursuit makes you look needy, clingy and weak. Standing up for and fighting for your wife makes you look strong, in control and decisive.

I'm not going to let pride and ego get in my way,

is this one of the reasons you get so passionate in debate, someone disagrees with one of your beliefs?

I really don't think she's testing me with the flip flops.

Then you don't understand what your wife wants from you.

I WANT to take care of her.

She doesn't want to be taken care of (now you are Daddy in her mind.) She wants you to love her.


Find the "it" become attractive to her.

What coach said...and DB does not say don't pursue IF that's what might be indicated. IT says do what works. When my h was deep into MLC he said at one point that he "needed to go to the place for the job of his life" and I asked if it mattered that our family weren't with him....and he said, "I'd PREFER if you came with me..." and boy did that say it all....to me, that was a slap in the face with his "hmm, guess it's a 51-49 choice"....(or maybe an 80-20??) but I was so turned off. I mean talk about making his priorities clear. If it came down to it, he'd choose his adventure job over us -- and he DID! HE left!

Was gone for 2 years and then hit a wall of depression and neediness and loneliness and realized, "OMG they didn't join me...where is everyone?" And it sank in that without us, the "JOB of a lifetime" meant very little. We had moved on, and there are tremendous repairs yet to be complete with my h and our d's, particularly our oldest d, whom he left while she was in high school.

I cannot tell you how much it still kills me that he did that. I'm not talking about not forgiving him; I have done so much work on that and feel it's mostly complete as a wife. But as a mother, seeing the damage he inflicted on her at such an important time in her life, still hurts. I feel sorry for him, and for her. I really do.

At Retrovaille he shared some grief with me that makes me realize he does get it, but fears that the damage is too great. What can I say? My point in all this is that when my h made that selfish crazy choice he didn't think it sounded the way it did to me. He felt he was saying "Come on!" But that's not what he said. I recall it verbatim, b/c it hurt so much. What I heard was, IN EFFECT, "come if you want, or don't...not that big a deal..."

I wonder if your wife hears that too. All this validation of her leaving you is pretty unromantic to me. As crazy as movies are, think about the best romantic films you've seen. I mean have you ever watched a woman trying to break up who doesn't really want to, and seen the leading man say "Well if that's how you FEEL....??? Um, gee, I can't think of a single woman who'd be "swept off her feet by that"...really... DO what works--obviously-- and know that if you want to "mix it up" you have to be careful you don't look inconsistent. B/c if it is some sort of test from her, you'll fail. She's looking for leadership, confidence in you that you two are meant to be b/c you want/love her and that takes time + consistent changes in you. So if you "flip flop" on her, you'll lose. We all know it's hard and it IS a fine line. But what I needed from my h when he wanted back in, was faith that he was sure he REALLY wanted back in and not because we were his back up or 2nd choice or a "little better than nothing"....I deserve to have passion and love in my life and know it's out there if not with my h. I mean, I had offers and what's good about that is that although there were some wacky guys out there, there are also many good men who would make fine partners. I don't "need" my h. But since he made the effort that I needed from him, we reconciled. We also got help in "piecing" and went to Retrovaille...so I get what you mean about feelings but your wife is letting her feelings determine what she DOES. And that's not alright. Shoot, there are times my kids are not so lovable. I still love them though. I don't leave them.

Make sense? Sorry if this sounds confusing. But I really liked Coach's advice. I read "Wild At Heart" also and it helped me understand my h's need for adventure and daring in his life in a way that didn't feel so threatening--though he left to find it--but I know men are different. And since I'm not one of you, it's great to get advice from someone who is.

j-