Hope you got a good nights sleep, will be thinking of you. I reckon once youre out and about doing your rehearsals not hanging around waiting for H to get home life will change for the better.. It may bring him up sharp but on the other hand it will help you grow into what you want to be and that is more important..
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Wow, I expected to fall apart - I actually felt relieved! Makes no sense. It in essence changes nothing yet. I'm still going to DB. I guess it just takes some pressure off.
I made him take me to lunch. Continued to "listen and validate" per Gnosis' advice yesterday. H all excited about his airplane, I just supported him and wished him well. H talked openly about how he wants S to spend time at his "place" because he fears if S doesn't know where he disappears to he won't be respected as a parent as much. This took a lot to admit. I knew it too. All the yelling at S seems to be a reaction - to "prove" he's still an authority and a fear that he's MARGINALIZED.
My past pattern would have been to try to "fix" this by doing what H says. Instead I stood up to him: "if you choose to leave, that is a reality you are going to have to deal with. ON my end, I always include you in our conversations, remind S that you love him and wish you could be with him all the time and tell him he can call you anytime you're not at home". I refuse to be pushed into doing what H wants because he's insecure. He needs to own that his insecurities come from choices he made and are not for me to fix, or for S and I to suffer when he's yelling to prove himself as a powerful presence.
H started also talking about his brother who is coming to visit. Although BIL is the godfather, he shows zero interest, in fact annoyance, in his nephew. I'm working to find another godparent for S. H starts talking about how passive aggressive BIL is - and how he is so insecure about "what others will think" that he always puts on a front and then lies behind people's back.
As I listen and validate, H goes on to admit all the brothers, including him have this trait. I just listened and validated because I was just chatting with Gno yesterday about this. How H would rather run away and blame and not confront than be up front with what he thinks and feels. I was pleased to hear H being introspective and I just let him talk.
Then I owned that I sometimes too have been passive aggressive and avoided dealing with things I should have and that contributed to our marital problems. H didn't go as far to admit he does it with me, but he is beginning to be aware. That is a babystep.
I told him all about my show and he was supportive while also voicing his concerns. Another babystep - not acting out, but verbalizing the issues. But he congratulated me. Also on my new pt work - I"m building new career skills.
It was all very positive. STrange. I was even cracking jokes at the lawyer's to kill the tension.
It's also strange that I feel grateful that it's only legal separation, not D. That comes from DB. In the past I would have been depressed if everything wasn't perfect. But I've got PMA - there's still hope. H keeps saying he'll feel better getting into deeper issues once our finances are legally separate - and now they are. So I'm hoping he can actually do it. IF not, I'm ok with being independent.
I'm glad the legal S is behind you now and you don't have to worry about it. It sounds like there's some progress going on in MC.
And it sounds like you feel ready to do some detaching. I'm trying to work through the exercises from the detach link that everyone posts. It's pretty painful, but I think you might be up for it...
Take care...
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
THanks FM - which link is that? I'm glad you're doing the detaching = I think it will really help you. It gets easier over time too. Everything is still so new and raw for you. Hang in there.
Had a nice rehearsal, came home and disappeared into back room. NOt in any mood to talk to the man who just filed for legal separation. I am ready for some more babysteps. Backing way off for now until I get some. It's starting to sink in, a bid sad. But it's not over yet.
And so another corner on the rollercoaster has been turned. Detach, detach. Glad he opened his mouth and spoke human thoughts complete with articulated emotions at lunch. Maybe C is helping him. How you kept your food down listening about that new plane I'll never know. LOL.
Detach - how I hate that word! But you're right. I am glad he opened his mouth and spoke to me instead of the cat. I can see that as babysteps.
Here's how I deal with the plane - I told him this was his own debt and I want no part of it financally. We wrote and signed an agreement stating such. So it's up to him. As long as my financial needs are met I can detach around money. It's the fact that he's abaondoning me emotionally that I struggle with. I still yearn to hear "Lots of couples have hard times but you are worth it and I want to work this out." This is what I need to detach from - I'm not getting it and nobody knows if I will.
So in the effort to detach - my question today is: Do I "act as if" we are rebuilding our relationship, or do I "act as if" I am totally alone now.
If we're rebuilding (which we kind of are), I don't want to come off as "pressuring". If I'm totally alone now (which I kind of am) I risk not "showing my changes".
Act as if you are rebuilding in that you stay positive and all that, but do not mention the future either. In your mind, prepare to be totally alone and try to detach. So do both at the same time and try not to become a mind split basketcase. LOL
You got it - BAsketcase here. You are right on rr. Hope for the best, prepare for the worse. I'll be glad when this is settled one way or the other someday.
