It' kind of odd that your H can't sleep and needs elaborate meals to ward off his health issues but can participate in such a heavy duty sport with a coach, no?
H is slowly and irreversibly losing kidney function -- he's at about 40% now and may have non-functioning kidneys within the next 5-10 years. Yes he's into his sport but more in a teaching/coaching capacity...he's not competitive even though he wishes he was.
H turned 40 last year.
Last edited by flowmom; 03/04/1006:36 PM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
And darn it I am sorry for assuming you had a plan! I still think you are smart and resourceful and will be getting it figured out!
I agree with CG about the daycare --
Think about this in regard to your son- people with Autism need help losing rigidity and developing a "flexible brain." Can't think of the researcher right now, but a famous one who developed a social skills curriculum for kids with Autism has stated this. And in Canada, do they have a program where they pick him up for a few hours a week for early intervention?
I grew up with my brother who is disabled and I was a special ed teacher for 5 years and am a generel ed teacher now with students who have A in my class so I am not in your shoes but am not totally ignorant either if that makes sense!
OK now I will be quiet!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I'd imagine your H is under the care of a nephrologist.
My exMIL has MSKD and I have Lupus so I do have a pretty good knowledge base of kidney issues. My MIL, at her lowest was around 28% function but had drastic improvement that has remained stable with a variety of medications and therapies.
It's tough, no doubt about it but lots can happen in 5-10 years. My kidneys are monitored every 4-6 weeks and it is MUCH easier to nip a problem w/frequent monitoring.
I guess all I can say is it seems like you are expecting your H to turn around and be the man you once knew or thought he was. And he might. But right now he isn't. It's not easy to NOT dwell on that but torturing yourself with FB and pics really won't be of any assistance to you.
Yes H has a neph. There is no hope for improvement in his case unless he gets a kidney transplant eventually, assuming he survives that long. He has ADPKD and there is no cure.
Last edited by flowmom; 03/04/1007:00 PM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
You have to not let his toxic actions get to you. This is NOT ABOUT YOU. He will demonize you but NONE OF IT IS TRUE. YOU need to remind yourself about this. It hurts like hell. It's cruel and pathetic. But remember "Sticks and stones". You need to write down your strengths and values. You need to remind yourself that it's his loss. I know it's ridiculous to think you could feel good about yourself in the face of such horrible treatment. But this is the time to work on your self esteem and self care as much as possible. YOu cannot change H, you can only change yourself.
OK, enough preaching. ((FM))
PS I totally agree with not looking at FB at all. You still don't know what is the deal with that woman. She looks like a freak to me. If he's hung up on her no way to know if she is just flirty with all guys and he's pathetically taking her bait to boost his own self esteem. I still doubt there's any way he and she are involved. And if they are - well that's just sad and childish.
flo, work on detachement. This is a long journey, you will burn yourself out if you keep allowing him/her, FB etc etc make you spin. Bottom line is we cant force anyone to love us. But we can make ourselves even more lovable. Stay strong K
I have one friend that had a transplant 3 years ago (she has lupus) and my neighbor had a transplant almost 25 years ago. Both are doing really well! Obviously a transplant is a HUGE deal and I am certainly not suggesting it is an easy option. My friend who has lupus lived with zero kidney function for years and years and was on dialysis. It is scary, I really can relate to that!
I don't say this to sound trite because living with a chronic disease is not easy. If your H is taking care of himself as per the regime his dr's have recommended then there is nothing more he can do. If he chooses not to take care of himself as per his dr's orders that is on him. I also understand how difficult it is to be in your shoes.
That is a tough diagnosis for sure. I know in the US there are LOTS of clinical trials going on for ADPKD (I know your health care system is different). I would imagine like most with kidney diseases keeping his heart healthy and blood pressure low is a biggie.
The one thing that REALLY helped me was talking to a health crises counselor. I actually think it would have helped my H as well but he chose not to participate.
I had a DB coaching session with Dotty this morning and I think it was useful. Here are the notes:
- she encouraged me to focus on where to put my energy and to not focus on FB and the dating issue
- she said that clients who focus on snooping, etc. end up hurting themselves and it doesn't really help with DBing
- if H specifically mentions dating to me and puts me on the spot, say something like "I can't control what you do but we're married and I choose not to" or "Oh? you're dating?" and not make a big deal about it
- she encouraged me to concentrate making changes for myself that are permanent
- she encouraged me to follow up on this email from H (after he had the phone conversation trashing me to his friend while in the children's bedroom):
Quote:
I'm sorry that I was indiscreet tonight. I don't often get a chance to talk to that particuliar friend, and thought I could be quiet enough to share my perspective with him (not that I should be giving anyone advice these days). But I shouldn't air my laundry when you or the kids are there, even when theyre asleep
Sorry
She wants to link and build on that email. First say to him "i've been thinking and i'd like to talk when you have some time", but try to have the conversation at another time. In the convo start by saying "i wanted to get back to you to say thank you. I appreciate the email that you sent me the other night. I think we both want the same thing: to protect the children from conversations and situations that might be confusing and upsetting for them. I'm always reminding myself that little pitchers have big ears. Regardless of what happens in the future, for now I think it's best if we keep our personal lives and our parenting lives separate to make things as stable as possible for the children. Do you feel that we can be partners in that?".
- we talked about my bringing up the dating issue and the trial separation issue in the above convo, but when I brought up the MLC issue she recommended avoiding any communication that could be seen as confronting
- we talked a fair bit about whether to follow my IC's advice to get H into a session to discuss the term of the separation (ie dating during a trial separation). On the one hand, Dotty has been to a training session with my IC and has a lot of respect for him and his therapeutic style (narrative therapy). On the other hand, she felt that the whole issue of "don't ask the question if you don't want to hear the answer" was a problem, and that it could reinforce H's plan to D and give him the opportunity to express how much he is done with me. She encouraged me to ask my IC more about the strategy and what I could hope to accomplish by doing that.
- she felt that how I handled the 2 boundary issues (lying about being at the firehall, and having a personal convo while with my sleeping children in my home) was good
- a lot of her advice seems to be focused on letting him pace the communication, getting to the communication in a warm, appreciative, somewhat roundabout way, and building on his communication
- She wants me to take H at face value and accept his statements as truth in our communication. She says he is living a double life...my taking him at face value leaves him accountable for and alone with his deceipt. she quoted an advice personality who says "be stupid and cheerful"
--
comments on the advice?
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I guess I would just bluntly ask you... putting your H aside what changes can you make in YOUR life that will improve YOUR life. Forget about what positive ripple down effect they may or may not have on your husband but really, what do you want to make better in your life?
Obviously you would like your marriage to improve but putting that aside what do you feel you need right now to make your life better and what can you do to make it happen?
What I really had to tell myself (sometimes on an hourly basis) is the more time I spent investigating what my H was doing (and he was doing plenty!) the less time I had to make my life better. It's a struggle but at the end of the day your H is going to do what he is going to do.
