I saw the PC this morning. I was over 15 minutes late because I was pulled over for speeding, which totally blew my calm (Ugggh!) The session didn't go all that well, I feel, as I really didn't have the time to get my points across. In the end, I feel it will prove to be a waste of time.
He said he would talk to xW about some of her manipulations and other controlling behaviors where they impact me and my S's. That's the good news. But because of my agitation, he said I was obviously quite angry and resentful -- rightly so, he added -- but also feeling a lot of hate towards xW. I am sure the latter, the word "hate", is precisely what xW has said to the PC. That's the story she's been trying to build against me, that I am this horribly hate-filled person -- I admit I make that accusation all to easy for her to level.
But no, it's not true. I don't hateher, OM or the evil xMIL. I do hate her actions, her words, her deeds. I abhor how she treats me and how she denigrates everything to do with me. It's a toxicity that has admittedly been poisoning my life and wearing away at my morale, mostly because she is so unrelenting in her offenses. But I try to separate the offender from their crimes. I can forgive the sinner, if not their sins.
I guess I am now shocked at what my PC concluded. He does not have a problem with someone hating someone else, at all. (In fact, he gave me an example of someone he himself happens to have hated for over twenty years.) And he doesn't think one can truly forgive someone in such cases unless the offending party begs for forgiveness. That was surprising to hear from someone who should know better. But he said that for the sake of my S's, which is where his real focus lies, I need to get over this hurt and this "hatred" for xW and the OM.
His solution? To have my own R, to find a woman.
He reasoned it's been over 2 1/2 years since the S, in which time I am now D'ed., and I should already be able to have R's. I asked him to clarify if he meant romantic, male-female R's ...or more general, plutonic R's. He meant the former.
That blew my mind. Not that it is entirely untrue or that I hadn't been thinking of this myself, but to hear it from this clinical source? And one entirely at odds with all other sources of wisdom?
I started to offer a different opinion, one coached in rational restraint and sound judgment -- from all the other advice I've gleaned in this time. I stated that until I get over the anger and resentment, a new R would only be poisoned by it -- why bring another person into the equation when it wouldn't be fair to them? To me, his suggestion was like placing the cart before the horse.
I had him elaborate a bit more, but it just alarmed me the more he spoke. He feels that a person is not really complete unless they are in a R with another person -- I started to say that sounded like a sure-fire prescription for co-dependency, but I was too astonished. He thinks that it is through R's that we heal, and that healing from a broken R is best done through another R. Everything else, regarding healing from D, he said, was just "B*llsh*t." I again had to have him clarify that he was talking more specifically about romantic R's and not other types of R's.
I can say that I have tried to give some thought to his position, but there is a part of me that is screaming inside that he is missing the big picture here. Aside from the observable fact that his prescription is the exact cause for so many failed R's in the first place, there is something fundamentally flawed in that thinking.
Yes, we are human beings, and yes, we were never meant to be alone. That much is true -- it's biblical even. But I do not believe that romantic/sexual R's are the only means by which we are whole and complete. I just do not accept that notion. Love can and does heal, but it takes on more forms than just Eros.
And MR's are an ideal, certainly, an ultimate one at that, but never a sole requisite for being a full, integrated person. It should not be my focus in life, certainly not now.
And my finding a new R is not going to suddenly resolve the issues I have with my ex -- the PC even admitted as such, saying we'd likely always be angry at each other.
I am beginning to conclude that the PC and I are on different planes when it comes to values. Though our priorities might contain some of the same things, they are most definitely not in the same order. I don't know if this is going to work out then. If the PC is for real and being candid with me (as opposed to giving some sorta' strange homeopathic advice here .. or is just pulling my leg), I would have to conclude that he and I cannot see entirely eye to eye, for which I would be disappointed. I would not be able to depend on him to defend the values that I am committed to regarding my S's, as he might not be able to respect them.
I'm still shocked and still pondering this meeting.
