I'm trying to let go. I'm starting to learn that I must accept that my wife no longer wants me as her best friend, her husband, her soul mate.
I'm trying to plan my life as a single father, starting a new job in a new hospital in a new town-- alone.
trying to cope with not being a heart surgeon any more-- something I've spent my entire life working towards.
of course happy and looking forward to my new life as a man focused on being the best father for his boys.
She says she does not want a divorce. Even today she called me to talk about three marriage counselors that she thinks could be good. But why would she be wanting a marriage counselor when otherwise she wants nothing to do with me? except for money.
yet all signs point to the fact that she wants no part of me. all signs point to the fact that she is planning a life with OM.
I want to get to the point where I do not get my hopes up when she calls or leaves a message-- that she is calling to reconcile (no this has not happened)
yes these are good signs... but I guess I feel like it has been 7 months now-- with no change.
so the question is: how do I detatch when it seems she wont let me go?
last week on monday she wanted to be officially separated... wednesday she wanted to move with me to hawaii... friday we talked on the phone like old times... saturday very little contact when I had the kids and she was "alone" in her town. sunday she called to say she was feeling bad again, anxious, drove down...
the days where we have no contact she says, "thank you for a peaceful day". I wonder if she thanks the rocks and the trees for the same thing...
the pattern is I give her peaceful days..then she starts to talk about things like "I'm starting to believe in you". "do you really think you can change?"... the Hope-0-Meter starts to climb... then the withdrawl occurs... then the Hope-o-Meter crashes into the red zone.
Ha-- even as I am typing this she calls to tell me how excited she is about something that happened in a meeting-- and wanted to "share" that with me.
This morning we had a dustup. but it came from her mostly-- and she has been apologizing today about it...which is a first-- and the multiple calls are all part of that up and down game.
one thing I've been doing today is ending the calls first-- but nicely. this is a good thing for me. yes perhaps it is me exerting a little control but can't doormats exert a little control from time to time?
GALing things for today-- going through my closet and goodwilling all the clothes I don't wear.
organizing my files and bills
trying to set up moving company and switch over of my lease.
