Just for the fun I sent W a txt inquiring about a nooner. Her reply was she didn't think so, it's kind of weird for her, we are supposed to be getting a divorce. I asked if she was afraid sex would bring up emotions she didn't want to have, maybe was her answer.
Should I reply to her "maybe"?
I was testing the waters. Is it possible sex would rattle her enough to climb out of her fog? I planted the seed, I should let her come to me.
My birthday is Friday like I mentioned before. S8 asked W if she wanted to come along, so I can't tell her she can't now. We are going to see the new Alice in Wonderland movie and have supper somewhere.
After our "family" time is done I'm going out for a birthday drink or two or ten. "Maybe" I'll find someone to give me a "good" b-day present. No I'm not a sex addict. It's just been a real long time. We had pretty decent sex life, so it leaves a big void.
OM is out of the picture. If anything physical happened, so be it. He wants nothing to do with her.
why is he still partying with her then?
Quote:
He said W "wanted" him a year ago but he shut her down. He has told her no every time she would make advances towards him. (I'm sure that's why she was so attracted to him.) "nothing happened and nothing will happen, she is a psycho" he stated.
honestly, buddy, this is what all men say. wouldnt you if you were confronted by your wife about why another man is asking about you and his wayward wife?
Through my investigation I have come to the conclusion something did happen. It happened about 3 weeks ago. He got what he wanted from W and then dumped her. She hates being dumped. That's why she has done it me so many times. She never wants me to dump her. She is starting to see I'm detaching from her. She is starting to get a picture of what life will be like without me around. I will have wait and see how far that goes.
It explains her more recent interest in me. She is obsessed with me going out, thinking I have girl friend. Telling me it's disrespectful if I go out and pick up women. Basically saying the same things I've said to her if she were to do it to me. She calls me all the time. I know she wants to make sure I haven't replaced her. If she is so concerned with that than she is not ready to let me go.
I do take everything I find out with a grain of salt. I'm not jumping at any information, nor do I share it with or confront W. I have done all that in the past. If she wants to come back I will deal with the latest B.S. then.
She starts night school in couple of weeks. Between that and work, I will have S8 everyday for 2 months. I know this will kill her. She is already stressing out over it. I expect to see something give.
If the A as ended. When is a good time to talk about it? Do I have to wait for her to confess to me, or does it become a boundary I state before we can reconcile? (If it ever gets to that point.)
She will have to tell me about before I even consider our R to be moving in the right direction.
W called from work. OMW is spreading the information around work. W has emails OMW and I sent back and forth. So she says. W thinks I called OMW, but I never did. It was all emails. I don't think she knows everything I do. It feels like she is trying to get me to fill in the blanks. I don't know if OM is behind any of this either.
She is Mad! She said everybody at work knows about the affair and it is affecting her job. I didn't ask which affair. The physical one or the first emotional one. Not that it matters.
So now I have a change in the sitch. She is going to come at me with a lot of anger now. I know I have to stand up for myself, but what should I expect her to do? What do I say to her.
you don't expect anything from her and you don't need to say anything to her.
If she complains that everyone knowing about the affair is affecting her job, you tell her that it affected you when you were working as well when you were the only person who knew about it.
If she complains some more, just tell her this: "look, I didn't tell any of these people about the affair, what I told OMW was only between her and me, not the rest of the world, what she chose to do with the information was HER choice, if you have a problem about it, speak to her, I'm not going to waste anymore time talking to you about this, this is ridiculous, you're getting mad at me because people at your work know about your affair?! That's really pretty funny, next time don't have an affair and you'll have nothing to worry about!"
And that's it.
Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself, in fact you need to start doing more of it.
And it doesn't matter which affair, the physical or emotional one, if they're both with the same person, really it's just one affair.
Again, as for your question about what you expect her to do, don't expect nothing, why would you?
OMW and I emailed back and forth after W called me. According to OMW there is no way W knows anything of our conversations. My name was never mentioned to OM. All of OMW questions to him were based "rumors" she heard.
W is fishing for information. No doubt word got around work. She is convinced I had something to do with it. I told her nothing. She said she will get a RO if I keep this up. I said go ahead I have done nothing wrong. You had the A not me. If it comes out now or a year from now it makes no difference. You did something wrong. Maybe next time you will think twice before you cheat on someone.
She came over after work to drop S8 off. No phone call, came in unloaded his stuff and walked out the door with out a word. I said good buy before she shut the door.
With her recent interest in my going out in regards to me having a "girl friend" (which I don't). Should we sit down and reestablish our "dating" other people boundaries? Or would it be best to leave it? I shouldn't have to repeat myself.
talked to W about S8 and some minor communication problems. Went fine then she went into D talk. She wants to start getting our things together to start mediation or she will just get a atty. if I'm going to drag my heals.
I told her I was not ready to get a divorce yet. I did not want to break up my family. It's too important to me to just give up so easily. She asked well how long then. One month, a year, how long? I said maybe never, less then two months is not enough time to make such a life changing decision. I don't know how you can think it is.
Do you realize what this will do to S8, I said. He will be fine, it only took a couple of weeks last time (last year) for him to get better. I then went into some stats, and my concerns for the future problems he will have. She didn't want to hear any of it. It's so frustrating. She is convinced what she is doing will end with minimal damage.
This is what's best for her and S8. I said I feel the same about him and I. Divorce is not better than staying married. It's not right. What you are doing is not right.
Why would you want to live with someone who does not love you, she said. I said I know you don't mean that.
Then the rest of it was the same crap...I'm done, I don't want to do this anymore, blah blah
I know I talked too long. She really caught me by surprise talking about the D. I really don't know what to say. I don't want to get a divorce.
I brought up seeing IC. She said she is, and that she thinks S8 should too. I was glad to hear that, not sure I believe her though. I then brought up going together, she freaked out thinking I was talking about MC. No we have other options, family, co-parenting, or any other C to help all of us.
It ended badly. She started to yell over and over she wanted a divorce, so I said I want to stay married once, goodnight, and I hung up.
If we are not to believe 100% of what our S say to us at this time when do we start?
I've not spoken to W since Monday. She calls but I let it go to VM.
I dropped off some extra groceries for S8 at FIL house last night. I put them on the outside step. W called, (sent to VM) asking if I was the one who did it. I didn't call back.
In a previous conversation W stated she would like to remain friends no matter how this turns out. I have said I can not be friends with someone who treats me this way. You would not treat any of your other friends like this. This was the same conversation that included my no OP boundary.
I would like to write her a letter. I like the way robx spins a good "I deserve better, your loss" letter.
I know I have to move on without her. I have to let her go. I can't let what she is doing drag me down. I DO deserve to be treated better. I don't want to get a divorce. If she is not willing to see what she is doing is wrong, there is nothing I can do to change her mind. Do I still want her back? You bet. It is the hardest thing I have had to wrap my brain around, to let someone you love and cherish go so easily. I’m a damn good husband, father, and man. Someone will see that.
I have to protect my son. W is not a bad mom. Because of her work schedule she can’t go out on the weekends. If anything I’m the one going out too much. I feel her recklessness comes from her not seeing this marriage is worth saving. Her thinking this will have no ill affect on our son. Blowing thru money like it grows on trees. Telling everyone how crazy I am. She thinks I am going to harm/kill myself, her, the XOM?, our son, or any combination of that. I have only ever threatened to do anything to myself, and I was having a bad reaction to the situation she put me in. I know I would not do that now.
I know I need to stand up for myself more often. My problem is when to do it. I’m so used to the way things were I have been desensitized to knowing the right and wrong time and things to stand up for.
I am not known as a guy without “nuts”. Most people would say I am a mans man. In fact our early R problems where because I was too much of a man. I had learned to dial it back.
I am so hurt by what she is doing. I need to detach. She is toxic to me.
Is it too early to compose and send such a letter?
I don't know if it's the AD meds starting to work but I am starting to not care. It also feels like my love for W is fading. I don't like this feeling. I have not had a break down for at least two weeks now. I don’t cry everyday, but I am still very sad. Anytime I see her, talk to her, look at a picture, or even here her name, I get butterflies. I miss our life very much.
This will be the only week she will have time to move forward with divorce work. She starts night school next week. It lasts two months. That should buy me some time.
I have IC today at noon. I’m not sure what to talk about. This will be my third session. I thought I would be there to fix myself, but I get more advice here. C doesn’t think I’m messed up like my W does. I don’t know what I should be discussing if I don’t know what is wrong. It’s good to have someone to talk to, but I’m paying for more than that.
Sorry for bouncing around. My head is getting quite full.
I am open to any suggestions. You have all been so helpful. Thank so much.
