Hey Gardener, it sounds like you're wishing for some closure. Hugs.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
All this hurts, especially going from an intimate relationship with your emotional confidant to being nonexistent while your adversary and her lawyer discussed the one thing that has always been yours.
The name, like the assets and marital property comes under the business transaction of divorce. Changing the name while finalizing the divorce aids the woman, making the change legal which allows a swift crossover on all banking, legal documents, etc. The example of Jeff's former spouse illustrates the difficulty, even having the judge's sanction.
And it gives the woman a choice.. whether they wish to be rid of a surname, one of the last remnants of the marriage, or keep it for their own reasons. It's not being viewed as chattel, property.
Is getting upset about her keeping her married name petty? Well, it's a nonissue.
Is getting upset because she and her lawyer discussed it with no regard to you, that you didn't exist, making you feel had no say? Well, you could.. but it's an item of business for her, like "I'm taking the silver." And you're the puppy in the window watching one more silver of hope disappear.
It just hurts. But keep saying and sharing what's on your mind. Part of healing is getting it out there and letting go.
You're giving a new canvas each day to paint. It's your choice how to adorn it, express, neglect. But it's yours... every single day.
Hi Gardener, I think reality is hitting your W in the face. She is discovering that it "hurts" for her to look at the collaspe of the M. No matter how she may have tried to make you out to be the bad guy, I think she finds herself regretting the failure of the R.....and in her heart, she knows she has to own her part. She knows it could have been saved.
As for the last name......it is sensitive to you b/c you think of it as still "your" last name that she took at the wedding. That's true, but now she thinks of it as "her" name and probably has had it longer than her other names, IDK. But mostly b/c is it such a hassle with changing last names around. The more business papers (insuance, health, SS, etc.) the more mix up it seems to cause. I doubt she is even thinking along the lines you are. I've seen very agry & bitter D women keep their H's last name. The older they are and the longer the M was....the harder it seems to be to change things around. Just my POV.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's easy for me, a few years post divorce to encourage you to let this go. However, when I was freshly divorced, I can remember going through similar thoughts, feelings. I took my maiden name back - I didn't want to be among the string of Mrs. whathisnames (he's on #3 now). I took his name as a symbol of our joining our lives, when that was done I felt the only appropriate thing to do was give it back.
I can understand women who have children maintaining the same last name as their kids. Other than that, I don't get it.
Yes, it's a hassle to change your name. So is a divorce. It's all a part of the package.
Feel what you feel, talk about it, sometimes yell about it. Then keep walking forward as you so admirably have. You're doing better than I did, believe me.
I can remember going through similar thoughts, feelings. I took my maiden name back - I didn't want to be among the string of Mrs. whathisnames (he's on #3 now). I took his name as a symbol of our joining our lives, when that was done I felt the only appropriate thing to do was give it back.
I went back to my maiden name also, for pretty much the same reasons. Our lives were no longer joined, so I gave it back to him....and he immediately gave it to the new Mrs. X (formerly the OW!) It wass a hard choice for me because of my kids, but I talked to them about it and even put it that way with ther, that I took his name becuse we were married, but now that we weren't going to be married, I was giving it back. If I had decided to keep it I would have done so because of my kids, and with no thought of how he might feel about it.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
Coincidentally I was talking to a woman today who's been divorced twenty years. She kept her married name for the kids' sake. Now she's moved back to the area where she grew up, where folks remember as her maiden name. She wishes in retrospect that she'd changed it at the time of the divorce.
It comes down to choice. Did I want to remain Mrs. X knowing that the former spouse was remarrying ASAP? Eh.. not really.. but who cares. Oddly enough his new wife kept her maiden name.
My married last name is two Waterford patterns and marks me as Irish as they come. My maiden name was a non ethnic name, simple even though folks had difficulty saying and spelling it.
I think it's what fits best. And if it really bugs me in the future, I'll go through the hassle of changing it. But I did get the feeling that the former spouse was not too pleased that I opted to keep the name.
And who knows.. you may have been hurt that she didn't want to keep your last name.
The legal end of divorce is pure business. The emotional part feels whiplash from what is so simply extracted from the soul.
I created my own last name...my maiden name and his last name(no hyphen please). My kids don't have all of it but gosh after 19 years it is/was my name. It is my name and if some day I choose to change it then ok but for now, it is mine.
Oh and I also never went with Mrs so and so because I wasn't. I am Ms so and so because my ex didn't change his last name to match mine. Now if I could just get my alma mater to realize I am a woman and not a man!!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Your question has been very constructive, providing insight from each side.
I read about being able to revert back to my maiden name at the time of divorce, but it was never discussed with my lawyer. When the judge asked, I made the decision.. and did feel a bit of annoyance from my former spouse.
Caring about his feelings caused a nidge of hesitation but my needs and minimizing confusion for the kids was far greater.
I don't think it matters if a couple has kids or not when it comes to changing the name. And just like only women can experience childbirth, so can only men know the betrayal of how their last name is handled in divorce.
If I had no choice, I'd feel like chattel, a second class citizen... and really pissed.
