I think I'd rather be dead than this- WAW

[Quart9]

I love this board. Its a great place to come to learn, discuss, and rant about your sitch and that really helps in the healing process.

I saw my IC last night and I think she is helping me more than I thought. I rehashed the experience with her that I had with W the night I confronted her about OM. I explained how emotionless and cold my W was for the majority of the time during that experience and my IC pointed out that that was an indication that W had already detached from me at that point.

So I began to think back and I could see several other instances before we seperated and before W went on that cruise where she acted indifferent and emotionless (when she should have acted way opposite). But my complacency at that point really didn't allow me to fully acknowledge her acting that way. Its become more clear to me that, like Michele says, the WAW doesn't just begin the process of WA overnight.

I feel like we all have this marriage altimeter and when we first get married its way up there. During the ebb and flow our marriage altitude changes and unfortunately for some of us we crash and it registers as "done."

I didn't pay attention to my marriage altimeter (and it seems like a lot of people here don't) until it was too late. I think mine had some condensation in it too and (especially recently) I wasn't getting a correct reading.

In the text message convo that I had on Wed with my W I asked her at one point if she had slept with OM in our bed. Why did I ask her that? I don't live there anymore, by now they could have slept with each other everywhere there so what does it matter? She refused to answer of course - she said she, "was not going to discuss any details with me about that. Period." To me that means they probably have. What torcher.

It seems like every morning when I wake up I imagine what it would be like if some miracle happened and my wife and I reconciled. This morning was different though. I thought - if we reconciled I couldn't go back to live in that apartment with her. I couldn't sleep in that same bed with her. I don't even think I could sit on the couch (who knows right?).

The author of that sh!tty Women's Infidelity book says something like, "if you think about it simply its just another penis that came in contact with your wife's vagina." And the dude she is talking to says something like, "yeah when you put it in those terms its not such a big deal." Bullcrap, it is a big deal. When we said "I do" I believe that meant no was else will "do" you or me. Period.

My point to all of this is I guess even though I don't want to I'm beginning to detach from my W. Its a good hurt. That's my rant.