My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

I'd like some advice or shared experience about this.

For the past year and a half or so, I have periodically considered writing letters to my former in-laws, partly as closure, partly to give them "the other side of the story." I wouldn't expect any change in their behavior, but it would hopefully help toward that closure thing, as well as perhaps feeling heard and a little less victimized. But I've never actually sat down to write, and I'm kinda tired of mulling it over and want to come to a decision.

Here's the deal, for those who haven't been following along:
I have no family; I was an only child, both parents long gone, no extended family in contact for 30+ years. xH's family was my only family, and we were part of each others' lives for over 15 years; I have nieces and nephews I've known for their whole lives. When xH first dropped the bomb, I contacted the brother he's closest to, whose wife is an psychiatrist; initially they were very supportive, willing to "talk some sense" into him. But once he called them, they suddenly asked me not to contact them again. And I haven't, except to ask that they continue to include D14 in family activities as always (which they've done, altho the family gets together less often now). I"ve heard nothing from the other brother; got a birthday email from his wife a year ago saying they hadn't been in contact "because they didn't want to take sides." (I had not talked with them since before the bomb.) Nothing at all from his parents, except that his mom sends greetings thru my daughter after holiday gatherings. OW joined the family dinner on Thanksgiving; according to D14 (altho I didn't ask) only 1 SIL actually talked much with her--the one who knew her 28 years ago and who had a similar profession. Grandpa spent the day in a different room from her rather than sleeping in front of the TV as he has always done. That's about all I know about their interaction; I'm not sure why xH and OW have not married at this point, since he left to be with her almost 2 years ago.

I'm alternately angry and hurt about having been cut off by the family. My note would not be angry in tone, just briefly stating that I was totally against the divorce, did what I could to keep my family together, and grieve the loss of my family (including former in-laws), and offering to remain in touch with anyone who felt comfortable doing so. I don't intend to trash my xH--this is an Italian family, after all, and blood is waaaaay thicker than anything else. I do intend, however, to be open about being blindsided and being aware that OW was the impetus behind the split--because that is the truth. This was far less MLC than an exit affair. I have no idea what he has told them, but it's doubtful that it's the same truth I"ve been living. And while I may not have been the perfect wife for whatever reason, my family was the most important thing in the world to me and I would have given anything to work on the marriage rather than splitting so suddenly.

so--what has your experience been in dealing with former in-laws? I would say that the fact that I have no other family sorta complicates my feelings about this, but the fact remains that they have cut off contact without any communication at all--and that's not healthy for them, or for me, or for D14. Any advice or experience you'd share would be most welcome! Thanks.