Together but still apart!!!!

[SMM23]

I am new to the community. I was reading for a couple weeks thinking that I did not need to write on here that my marriage was well on its way to recovery. Well I think I made a hasty judgment.

I have a WAW and she did it by letter on January 28, 2010. We have been together for a little over 20 years and married for 11 ½ years. We have had our ups and downs and in the last 5 years more downs. I have suffered from depression my whole life but really took hold of me in 2004 when after trying since we were married finally got pregnant. After a 3 months she lost the baby. It was at that point we detached from each other. I recognize it now but we did not then. Soon after we did get pregnant again and then we had a healthy baby boy. But I was not there very much during the pregnancy and after the birth. I was so depressed after losing the first baby I left my good paying job because the job was very stressful and I was having 6 anxiety attacks a day. (Long story) So now I was working at Wal-Mart, since no other good jobs were out there, just to pay some of the bills. So I was totally humiliated and depressed because I could not give her a baby or support the family or anything correctly. So the depression just kept taking its toll on our relationship and I dragged her down with me. Over the last year or two she had been writing different letters to tell me she was leaving. We went to marriage counseling in the Fall and nothing came of it. All she talked about was the little things like who cleans the dishes and whatever. So the counselor said I do not see any problems. He suggested that we both have one on one session to talk about stuff and I said I can say what I need in front of you so I do not need a separate session. She took that as though I did not want to work on things. So in her one on one they discussed how she was going to leave me. I thought that they were going to discuss what she could not say in front of me so that the C could bring it up. But we never went back.

She decided to wait until after the holidays to leave. So Jan. 28 was picked. When I got the letter I was devastated and shocked. I thought everything was OK, not great but OK. But then I took 2 days to think and I came to the realization that I needed to change my life. I talked to her Jan 30 and convinced her to come home. So day 1 I have been changing myself and becoming a better, happier person. It worked almost immediately. We hug every time we leave or come home and she is happier and I am happier. We talk on instant messenger everyday while we are at work. So I thought things were going pretty good. But I was still looking for more answers, I then found it in the DR book. It has been a month and all the changes I made were good for me and therefore good for us.

So everything feels good but she is still not wearing her wedding ring an she is in another room of the house. But I went off track and wanted to get closer and wanted to have relations and asked about the ring. Made all the mistakes I could. I asked if we could kiss more than just a peck in passing.

So today I get the “What makes you think I am back?” question. She says she does not want to give mixed signals that she is OK. I said that she is giving mixed signals because she has mixed emotions about getting back with me because she is afraid things will go back the way they were. She agreed and said that “I love you but I'm not in love with you.” That one stung. I know it talks about that in the book, but I am not done with the book. We are on the verge of things going good again and my pushing has made her question what is going on.

She thinks we are being fake. I told her that I am not faking and she said “but if it's not two sided it's not going to work” and that we have come a long way. Things sound good and then she has problems like this. Over the last month we both have talked a lot about our issues. Sometime to 2 and 3 in the morning. Things feel better and then I push the issues of sex and wearing her ring, and now she is not sure things will work. Please help….I love her and she admits that she loves me, just not in love. Where do I go from here? I miss her touch and her love and compassion. My problem is I want it now and that is just not possible. HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!