Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

Well they are going to do a biopsy of the lump without removing the whole testicle (we are adults here so I am using appropriate anatomy talk!). Still he will be going to sleep for it. And I offered to bring S to see him but he said he would be fine. I was such an idiot-- it dawned on me that of course he would need someone to drive him home if he was put under...so SHE WILL BE THERE I am sure. He hasn't even told his family about this yet.

So without even needing to listen to the tough love being advised, I feel conflicted. How do I act when the father of my son and the only love of my life is going through this scary situation?

I will never ever ever be heartless and cold. Sorry. But I did this much and it is all for now:

Yesterday I gave him a hug when he returned. We both cried. I haven't hugged him in....7 months I think. It felt amazing. I cried openly in front of him. (Quietly) He took S to get a shot and while he was gone I went to the store. I picked up a care package of his favorite treats. I told him that if he needed anything I would be there. Then the very last thing today is I texted "I'll be thinking of you. I am sure the procedure will go smoothly." It was embedded in information about S. He didn't even say thank you. Just "I'll let you know when I wake up."

Curtain closed....am turning off the loving behavior other than asking how he is feeling. If he chooses her to be there right now, then he won't get me to take care of him. I get it. My body always knows the right thing to do, and my body felt nauseous thinking of going with him to treatment, etc. while he is with her. (My body hasn't felt nauseous letting him come over and see S!)

I do not want to hear 2x4s- this is serious stuff. I do not regret doing it.But don't worry, I know without anyone telling me that it is wrong of me to do any more- to support or help him. I guess I shouldn't have said "I will be there if you need me."

So what phrase can I say if he asks me to do something (I don't have a clue what) after I already said the above????help please!