How do I act?

[Surviving03]

I am new here, I previously posted my story under Hopefulness, entitled "Husband Deployed Wants Divorce", I havent recieved any replies yet, but I wanted to add that my H has started completely avoiding everybody that I feel he thinks may try to persuade him against this decision. Today I got a call from an old mutual friend of ours and he said to me, hey I talked to your H and I really think you should start making plans to move on (this is a friend who previously told me he really thinks that my H feelings will change when he comes home from his deployment) and I said why??? what did he say?? and he told me the same things that my H had already said to me about why he didnt want to be with me anymore... so I asked well why do you think he wont change his mind, and he told me, well i just really know him and i can tell his mind is dead set and I REALLY dont see him changing it. He told me that my H told him that its nothing against me, he just feels he got married too soon and for the wrong reasons and married life is not what he wants for himself right now. We are two years into our M and the man I married is a family type of man who talks non stop about his dreams of having children and having a home and having a wife and the whole nine yards.... he comes home in 2 weeks from today, and I am terrified... I have not emailed him in 3 days, but he hasnt emailed me for a week, and has not called in 3 weeks. Please read my other post and read my story. I am still trying to get the swing of things and get the lingo used here, I have not read any of Michelles books, but I have watched some of the youtube videos and they are really good, but i feel like how can i use those techniques with my spouse right now if he wont even speak to me... and what should I use when he does come home?

[Surviving03]

Sorry, I forgot to mention, I believe my H only spoke to this friend because this friend divorced his wife after coming home from a deployment as well, so I think my H felt safe talking to his particular friend but nobody else.

[jasper67]

I agree in your accessment of H surrounding himself w/ "believers" of his cause.

I haven't read your prior thread but will do so.

I would read the books ASAP- and keep posting here for advice and to share your feelings...it's very important that while he's not contacting you- you should not pursue him- so no e-mails, etc.

I'll catch up on your thread and post more.

[rr22]

Wait another week before you email or call him and see if he emails you. He's not coming back for two weeks anyway, so why not wait. He will likely email or contact you once before he gets back. He might be experiencing your contacts as pressure and pursuing right now.

[rr22]

I read your first post. He sounds like he's swinging between undecided and decided. Pressure will not help. Start getting a life, trying to detach, and fixing the complaints he had that you KNOW are true. For instance, you said he had a concern that you two argued too much. Can you make an appointment with a counselor for yourself and start getting to the bottom of this issue for yourself? If you fix this M or not, you will not want to ahve that happen again in this relationship or in the future. So take a hard look at yourself and start immediately addressing his complaints that had any legitimacy. If there are other issues that involve him (commitment, deployment stress or depression), you cannot address those. He has to. Maybe things will cool down and he will be willing to. Do NOT get in a round of fighting with him when he contacts you and returns from deployment. EVEN IF HE STARTS IT. Start reading some things about how to defuse and step away from conflict and reschedule discussions and call timeouts to be talked about later. Listen and validate his concerns if he decides to bring them up with you on his return. That's what people around here say is good to do initially. Good luck. Know this is hard and scary right now.

[rr22]

It also might be a good idea to stop talking about this to all of your mutual friends and relatives. The more people that get involved, the more convoluted things get. Talking to a counselor and getting a support group and talking to one friend who can keep her mouth shut is sometimes the best bet. You will get a lot of conflicting advice and people trying to get you to dump him because they don't like to see you in pain, even if that's not really what you should do right now.

[jasper67]

I agree w/ rr-

It's also on the list of Sandi - don't do's.

As well as Michelle's bullet points in DR- the biased view...it will be a rollercoaster and you'll want to reach out- plus they (fam/friends) will always want to ask so they can help/fix things...you likely will not agree w/ their stance b/c they will be tired of seeing you unhappy.

So take it in stride- no pursuing also means you will not be rejected further, so that should boost some esteem.

Def get the IC and a support group like here at the site- they offer some at churches I know.

Just focus on you and what needs to be done for you

[Surviving03]

Thank you for sending me some responses... I have been reading a TON of other blogs on this website and I see everyones point about limiting my contact, or going dark as they say. As we all know, thats can be sooooo difficult, but that is what I intend to do for the next two weeks until he comes home. The part I dont know, is what to do when he comes home. He had sent me that email saying well IF my feelings change I wont fight it... but then stopped talking to me after that... what is that??!! So i thought, ok maybe he is taking time to reflect, only to find out from mutual friend that he still feel 100% that he wants a divorce. Its so hard for me to wrap my head around... I just really never saw it coming and had no idea our problems were this serious. I really chalk this all up to the idea that after a few years of marriage, one or both spouses reaches a point where they realize the "in love" stage has passed and they may question their decision on marrying the person that they did, but then thats where the real work of marriage begins, and i feel that is the point he reached....only he hasnt come to understand that you actually have to do the work. And being going, having been gone for almost 7 months in Iraq... im sure its easy to feel like this "single" life is what i want... but he was so in love, or so it seemed...how does it just flip?? ughhh... I have talked this thing to death, and with way too many people, i know that... I just felt so abandoned by him, I felt all i could do was reach out to other people. I love him so much, I still love him the same after all of this.... I just dont know that when he gets back he is going to give it any effort at all, and im not sure how to maybe get him to see that this is a mistake..... I have been going to counseling, I have another appt tomorrow acutally. I go to help me emotionally deal with this, and to get a better understanding of myself in this marriage. I have only been twice so far... so I am hoping for more progress

[flowmom]

Meghunny, it's a hard place to be, sorry you're dealing with this. My advice would be the pick 2 people who you can totally trust and who give good advice, and *only* talk to them. Go to IC once a week. Work on yourself.

Sandi posted this in her thread when I started here.

I often give this list to newcomers as a guide or work plan b/c it is a summery of DB's 180's. Hope it will help.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

Here are some books that have helped me:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1947937#Post1947937

The b!tches book is a must-read IMO.

[Surviving03]

Hello

That list of don't do's are really insightful... I wish I would have know then what I know now, Im so fearful that I have already ruined my chances because I started right off the bat basically doing everything I shouldnt have (too needy too desperate, involving too many people, etc) I still have not heard anything from my husband. I was told today from my husbands supervisor that he emailed them and he is really angry. They had been trying to contact him and find out his itinerary for when he comes home (for transportation purposes) and to ask him what is going on, and he hadnt been responding to them. So they got a little angry themselves and sent a message to him saying that he needs to prepare to have a long talk with his Commander and supervisor and whoever else when he gets home and that he has a lot of explaining to do (the military can be very pushy when it comes to family issues, they do not take it lightly, and if it was found out that my husband had cheated there could be very serious consequences for his career) and he replied and sounded very defensive and said he doesnt understand why everyone is in his business and he hasnt done anything wrong, this is a private issue and so forth. Which is completely valid and I understand his point. I added a little fuel to this fire by going to his work when this first happened, but that is what I was told I should do. They dont want family members or military members dealing with issues like this on their own especially while someone is deployed to a war environment. So I am not sure if I should still just leave my H alone and not write him, or if i should maybe send him an email saying something like, I apologize that our issue has become very public and I understand that this is a personal issue between you and I and I am not encouraging any of this bombardment you are recieving. Not sure what I should do....