I read your response several times and first I'd like to say thank you. I know that you are trying to get me to the place that I need to be at not for my M but for ME.
Let me tell you want I see in my posts....
I See....
A man that is in a great deal of pain because he has realized that his M is over.
A man that is trying to get off the hampster wheel but struggles with it because he still believe that he can do something to "fix" this.
A man that is dealing with the severity of his situation the best way that he can.
A man that is fustrated and angry.
A man that recongizes that his anger must be dealt with in a constructive way and not projected at his W.
A man that is still trying to hold on to his W but is realizing day by day that he must LET GO.
A man that has not embrassed the natrual change that occurs in life.
A man that is still dealing with the guilt of the role that he played in the breakdown of his M.
A man that is scared and paralyzed by fear.
A man that is indecisive and is really struggling with doing the "right thing".
A man that keep thinking that he can think his way out of this situation.
A man that believes that he can still control the outcome.
A man that is hurt because of his action over the past 17 years has alienated his two oldest children.
A man that is coming to grips with his selfishness.
A man that is extremely impatient because he wants the few changes that he has made to be noticed.
A man that still has an ego
A man that in a way wants this all to end.
A man that is lonely
A man that has lost his best friend and is hurt by it
A man that know realizes that HE was codependant on his W
So Jack you are right...I have not decided completely decided on a course of action.
On the positive side, I do see....
A man that wants to change A man that is learning A man that is focused on being the best dad that he can be A man willing to listen and search his soul to find the answers to his questions A man comming to terms with the reality that his marriage is over A man that is becoming a little more confident that he will make it thru this. A man that is realizing that he is and always has been strong in some ways A man that has finally made a descion to stand but to stand in honor to his family and himself. A man that know accepts that he must let go A man that now knows that he will know when it is time to no longer stand. That time will come when I am no longer angry.
Jack your post has made me realize a lot about myself so much so that I have come up with a new set of actions...
1) LET GO - detach, whatever you want to call it. 2) Heal myself - in the condition that I am in I am no good to no one including myself. 3) Speak with a L to only find out a little more about custody and what could happen. The instruction to the L will be very clear - I DO NOT want a divorce. 4) Never to speak again of giving up 5) To accept where I am at this point in my life 6) To continue to work on myself and my issue but to also give myself some time. I need to be gentle on myself. 7) to continue with my GAL activities 8) To begin to develop new relationships 9) To stand firm in my convictions and positions 10) To continue to be the best Dad that I can be.
Thank you again Jack - thank you.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
