how do i keep my hope alive?

[Onthemountaintop]

I wish I could meet your H on some ADHD board - I've felt that, too.

I don't know if it was EN...might have been an apology and request for time. Don't feel sad for him, be empathetic. Like the people you're helping on the weekend. Reach out, but not to cry, but to support. That's what a W or H does. Consider it a gift.

Valuing someone's EN doesn't mean anybody has to go last. Making tough choices is tough, and no one 'wins' every time. If you're worried, I'd argue that is your EN at work - you want to reach out and talk or something. Someone told me that it is hard to sit near someone, and want to hug, but you can't yet.

It is his consequence, as long as he's actively dealing with it, maybe just look forward to the weekend? You might need some time to deal with your first point - where your fears lay (in the M or the unknown)... Did you say you had a date with an IC yet?

[trytryagain]

i do have an appointment with an IC on friday. so hopefully talking to her on friday and then leaving for my trip on saturday will help me find some clarity and really examine what it is that i want...i have a whole week to think before returning to the real world of work and responsibility, and i'm thinking i may have to squeeze my yoga mat into my carry on.

i do try to offer him support when i can. in his texts last night, he did also thank me for my kind words and support. i guess i'm just wondering why i'm feeling empathetic towards someone i should be angry at right now. his choice turned my world upside down and here he is a few weeks later, reaching out to me - i could certainly turn him away, and i know many other people in my life who have no problem turning their backs on him, but i can't. and i don't understand why. maybe this is something to discuss with my IC.

where was he for me to reach out to when i was hurting and crying and in a bad place a few weeks ago? he was gone, he moved out, i was on my own, i did not have him to lean on. but now he needs to lean on me and i'm there for him...maybe not in the way he needs me to be, but i at least respond in a kind and supportive way. this has always been a problem for me, i can't express anger. i can't lash out and say mean things and tell him exactly where i think he can go. i don't even feel those things, though. i'm just thinking there must be something wrong with me if i'm not even wanting to lash out and be angry.

[CityGirl]

I don't think there is anything wrong with you.

When we care about somebody, even if they have not behaved well or have treated us badly, it is natural to feel *something* when you know they are having a hard time.

I do think this is where boundaries become very important. It is unreasonable to be used as an emotional sounding board by a WAS when they need support and be left to flounder when they are feeling okay.

It is a good thing both you and your H are in IC. IC is not a magic fix and is a very slow process. You cannot fix your H's issues and transgressions and he cannot fix yours. You both need to give one another space to do the individual work.

I understand the anger side of it. My H could have cared less when I was beyond hurt, shocked and a million other things. In fact, he became more cruel. But when he needed me and I wasn't there ASAP he got very angry.

It might take a while and a bit of trial and error but with the help of both your IC's, space, detachment and boundaries things might not seem so one sided and hazy.

[talia]

TTA,
Everything you are feeling is PERFECTLY normal and you need to allow yourself to FEEL all of it. You SHOULD be mad and sad and frusterated and everything else. Its part of the natural grieving process. This is a good place to start in IC. D is just like a death and you need to honor the grieving process. Do some reading on the grieving process - it will help you make sense of what you are feeling and how NORMAL it all is. Don't allow yourself to deny those feelings - you need to honor them to process them.

I think your sadness for H is a clear sign of what a GOOD EMPATHETIC person you are. Don't beat yourself up for being that... its an excellent personal quality!! Just keep meeting your own EN's - and being civil to H. He does seem to be looking for you to meet his - and you just can't right now. Maybe you can think of it as lending money. A friend comes to you and is in desperate need to borrow some cash. You feel terrible for that person, understand their situation etc, but you simply do not have the extra money to give, so you say no. You would NEVER take out a loan yourself to give $ to that person, right? IF you had the extra cash you would, but you aren't going to put yourself at risk for them.... Now substitute your emotional well being with $. You only have enough "emotional cash" to pay your bills right now. You don't have any extra to lend to H. Does that make any sense??

Don't let yourself dwell on what H's communications "MIGHT" have been. You have no way of knowing. He probably doesn't even know yet what he is/isn't feeling. You need to protect your PMA. I'm not saying you can't give H more time- I think that time is your friend. But you keep getting advice to make decisions based on what H might be feeling and its WRONG. You make the best decision for you - EVERY TIME. No matter what your decision might do to H. Things will work out as they will. NOTHING you do/don't do with be the ONE THING that pushes him in any direction. You can see you are getting good results with the approach of being civil but distant and it IS good for you mentally.

You are GOING to miss him- that's natural. Just don't let the loneliness, fear and anxiety be the emotions that fuel your decisions - and NO mind reading. Do whats best for you first - the rest will come with time.

I TOTALLY agree with City girl!

Focus on your trip!!! Its a great GAL!!

T

[trytryagain]

talia i really like your comparison to giving a loan to someone when i didn't have the $$. makes A LOT of sense. i can't give my H what i don't have to give right now, but i can continue to at least be supportive and kind in my responses. that seems to be working at least in terms of his continued contact.

actually, my initial reaction to his texts last night was to try and figure out what he was thinking, but then i stopped myself and thought, what would talia say? i do hear your continued advice that i stop trying to read his mind and i agree with you. in the defense of the poster who often offers his thoughts on what my H may be thinking or feeling, it has been very helpful for me to talk to someone who has ADHD and understand the way the ADHD brain operates - just because it gives me insight on how my H's brain works. i believe he merely means to offer me some insight, but i can assure you that i am working my hardest to make decisions based on what is best for ME, not based on what i think my H may be thinking.

i am really gearing up for my trip this week...i'm bringing my running shoes and my yoga matt so i can eat a few extra beignets and not feel too bad about it.

i'm glad to know my feelings are normal...i do plan to talk to my IC about them and hopefully she and i can make some sense of them!

[Onthemountaintop]

i guess i'm just wondering why i'm feeling empathetic towards someone i should be angry at right now.
...
where was he for me to reach out to when i was hurting and crying and in a bad place a few weeks ago?

You neither should nor shouldn't be angry. If you are, you are - they're your emotions. I think many of us have had good and bad days. Holding on to anger or expecting it only makes matters worse. I think you've done well in holding off your anger - that's awesome!

Where was he...many on these boards have told you to GAL and whatever. Did you ever try to reach out and get his emotional support? Do you think he could when you have the boards and a life coach while he is just starting IC? You don't want to live your life this way, but in some regards I don't think this separation is a new one - it seems like part of last year's but this time you're solving it better.

He moved out. That was mean. He should've stayed to work it out. I think that. Now what have I/my wife been told by others...we've been told one of us needs to get out, unless someone is begging to come back to survive on our anger, ... all sorts of unhelpful junk.

Marriage isn't about the individual, it is about the couple together. You are loaning a good loan, not a bad one. So what if he has no money now, he's working to build it. It sounds very nice to the individual to not loan him until he's offering, but that isn't necessarily the best way just because it feels empowering. Marriage isn't about individual power, is it?

[talia]

TTA,
You have every right to ask "Where was he?" "Will he do this again?" "Is it worth the risk to try?" "Can I ever really trust him give his history of running?" You have every right to be angry because he wasn't there to support you. Don't feel like you have to be self sacrificing in this. HE made choices that devastated you - and there might be very valid reasons why he did it - but you STILL have the RIGHT to feel however you want to about it. You DON'T have to look at it from his perspective. You don't have to explain away your feelings by saying "Its ok... He wasn't capable of meeting my needs so I won't be angry".. You feel however you want - and know that is OK.

The best thing you can do is NOT bury those feelings. If you do - not matter what happens with H - they will bubble up later and cause you problems.

Don't you feel like you need to sacrifice yourself. Marriage is about two people forming a union. That should be EQUITABLE - not totally one sided. Until your situation with H is NOT one sided you need to "protect your assets". If H is REALLY "working to build it" he will be able to show you that over time. Right now - he has bad credit and is a big risk. Only time will tell if that improves.

I would suggest you talk to IC about some CLINICAL resources on ADHD and how that affects adults. I think you may get a great perspective that will help you put the ADHD stuff in line with the DB stuff. I'm afraid getting a perspective on ADHD anywhere else might be skewed. ADHD affects people in many ways and I think it will help you to get a run down of ALL the ways it can affect someone - so you have a full and balanced perspective.

HIJACK - OTM - Please do yourself, your wife, and everyone here a favor and go get some counseling. Talk to a professional about how to deal with your feelings and your issues with your wife. The core philosophy in Divorce Remedy is YOU MUST CHANGE. STOP worrying about what your wife is/isn't doing or how you might/would/should have handled the situation differently. Until you have a little more therapy, real divorce busting experience, and perspective - your advice is terribly mis-placed. Please go get some real help with this - you aren't helping yourself on here right now and I don't think your advice is Divorce Busting at its core. If you are going to be on these boards you need to stick to the core philosophy.



Have a great day!!! Sorry for the Hijack!

T

[Onthemountaintop]

No one ever HAS to be angry.

[trytryagain]

thanks, talia. great advice. i do plan to talk to my new IC tomorrow about the way i'm feeling, which is very conflicted right now!

you would be proud, though...the only time i could see my H before leaving for 9 days is tomorrow. he asked if we could plan to meet up for drinks but i made plans with my girls instead to go see the new alice in wonderland movie (i'm sorry, but johnny depp wins EVERY TIME!!!), and i know he has plans with his dad and BIL tonight, so i'm really proud of my 180, because before i would have put plans with my girls aside to do something with my H.

plan to spend the evening down at the gym and then packing for my trip. i did get an email from H yesterday saying how much he appreciated my kindness and support throughout all of this and that he didn't understand how i could be that way towards him or why i wasn't fed up with him. at least he acknowledges that i could be fed up with him!! i didn't really know how to answer that so i just thanked him for noticing my efforts to be supportive and said it meant a lot to me for him to acknowledge that.

2 days left til my trip!

[Onthemountaintop]

you aren't helping yourself on here right now and I don't think your advice is Divorce Busting at its core. If you are going to be on these boards you need to stick to the core philosophy.

And I don't think yours is either - congrats, we see eye to eye on something!

Maybe try an approach that ISN'T ALL IN CAPITALS OR RUDE TALIA!