Lost, No one can determine how far rock bottom is for your h. It is different for each and every one of us, i.e., just as our upbringing and personalities.
When your h does something for you or your children, thank him. If he looks nicely dressed, tell him that he looks nice. If he says he feels lousy, say I'm sorry to hear you aren't feeling well. These are the things that go a long way with validating them. When you children as babies did something good, you let them know it, the same would apply for adults. Adults need stroking just as much as children and also pets do. You don't have to go mushy w/your validations, but you can recognize his good deeds.
You need to distance for yourself. If your h is aggravated about it, that's his problem. Your journey means taking care of you and your children. You are not going to be able to cut him off 100%, but you can step back and just listen and not react. This takes time to learn, but you can do it. If you have things to do, do them when he's around. He can watch the children while you run errands or make a spa date. This would be your "me" time while he's there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
