Ahhh, well this I didn't know. In that case, Trixi, I defer to Dom.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Backing off....dude seriously? The WANT us to back off...where did backing off get me? Two years down the road and a divorce anyway. Had I "Pushed", I feared divorce. Instead I spent two years on someone who was already gone...
Sorry, I just don't think you should have to tiptoe around anymore. He is either IN or OUT. There is no "kinda in"....
Yesterday I went to court with him and then we went to the intervention specialist.
On the way to court, he said that he had been thinking that we need to spend a lot more time together so he can "fall in love" with me again. We had stopped going out and doing things because he was half in half out. I could tell that he wasn't pulled back anymore.
On the way into court he said that he was very thankful that I was by his side.
The witness was late, so we went and had coffee and discussed possibility of him moving in with me or perhaps getting a smaller cheaper house somewhere else. That freaked him out a bit. "Baby Steps!!" I said I just wanted it to be something in the back of his head to consider.
At dinner discussed that I REALLY want him to sell the boat; he seemed like "yeah, if I *have* to" and I said "you quit putting money in the 401k, right? But you'll spend $500/mo on a boat?! Don't you want to retire? Fiscally- it needs to go; but just as much- I have an emotional problem with it. It represents exclusion, you being impulsive...I don't like it." He said he understood where I was coming from. (I think that logic has to win on this one, I mean, seriously. You stop putting money in the 401k and buy a boat?! Ugh.)
At intervention consultation the guy mentioned that we had a very easy way between us; asked H what was going on. H explained how he thought the grass would be greener and it just hasn't been and that he is lucky that I am willing to take him back. (!)
I asked him when he planned to tell roommates they need to go and he said "soon" (which made my stomach drop) and then he added "like this weekend; maybe before that."
We have a semi-plan for Daughter if we can ever get an audience with her. She never called her exbf on Saturday like he had expected. Not a good sign.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
We have been seeing each other off and on this whole time. We'll break up (more that we already are) and not see each other for up to 6 weeks and then for some reason we'll end up needing to hang out and he'll be back to being with me...then I'll start "pressuring" him for more (ie a commitment and me moving back in), he'll freak out and so the cycle goes.
I would guess that pretty much this entire time (and before) he has thought that maybe the grass was greener; he'd go dabble in the grass; come back, but even when he came back he's still be peeking over the fence, so to speak. He's tried to keep me at arms length. This time I think he's going to really try to be 'all in'.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Not much for me to identify with there. My W has been an icicle since the day I left. We had a hug at Christmas and another about a week ago at the insistence of D7.
There is no closeness at all. Now, lately that may be my fault. We rarely talk and when we do, if she tries some small joke, I just sit there silently.
I just want to get off the phone and go totally dark. After D11's play is over I may not have to see her again until spring break -- March 29. That will be sweet.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I have to say, if he had been ice cold towards me, I couldn't have stuck it out.
The thing that has kept me hooked is the look on his face when he sees me if we haven't seen each other for awhile. His whole face lights up.
He shared more tonight about "how hard" he "tried to get away". Apparently, he had decided that the only way he would be able to fully leave me was to find someone new. So, he would go out on a couple dates and for some reason or another it just wouldn't go any further. Then one of these dates said to him that it doesn't matter what kind of success you have in life; what matters is the people that you love. And that struck a chord with him. Huh Well, *I* had said that before (which I mentioned) and he said "yeah, but I couldn't hear it from you." Unfortunately, his revelation about trying to find someone to help him get away from me ticked me off. I said that I felt mad and that was just lame. Lame lame lame. At the time, I couldn't articulate WHY it felt lame, but now that I've had time to digest it-- it seems weak and...well, LAME! (heh- I guess I still don't know how to explain that better.)
He said that he is "in it to win it" and for once he is going to give us a real chance. He wasn't ready when we went to retro. He apologized for being sh!tty to me and he is letting go of the grass is greener thing because it isn't. He is scared; knows I'm scared, but also knows there is no way to make this work and be half in/half out.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Ohhh Trixi, your post sounded so familiar I just had to comment. Isnt it amazing how the LOOK in their eyes is so much different? It's like night and day. I remember panicking the first time I saw my H's eyes again after 2 years of being replaced with cold-snake eyes...
We went through the exact same convo. My H actually was lamer -LOL- had a 2,5 yr A before he felt the grass wasnt greener and just because he realised I was LEAVING for good.
I have no advice. We are not in a good shape although H hasnt changed his mind. Problem with us is there are no sufficient actions to support his words and I need a lot of reassurance and he wont give it to me. But of course, with us the A is a BIG issue. Good Luck!!! K
He said that he is "in it to win it" and for once he is going to give us a real chance. He wasn't ready when we went to retro. He apologized for being sh!tty to me and he is letting go of the grass is greener thing because it isn't. He is scared; knows I'm scared, but also knows there is no way to make this work and be half in/half out.
Now that, is the best thing I've ever heard for you, Trixi. I'm very happy for you
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
