Calling all affair annihilators & boundary setters

[courts0818]

I’m starting a new thread bc I need serious help in dealing with my H’s affair. IDK where to begin…we’ve been married for 8 yrs and have a 3 y/o DD. In Oct. of 2008, H moved out. Three months prior to leaving, he became very distant, started going out more & more, stayed out really late, got very defensive when I questioned him & stopped going to church. It’s now been almost 17 months since he moved out.

Throughout our separation, I’ve done some really dumb things. I’ve definitely been an emotional reactor. I’ve cried, begged, wrote letters, sent emails & texts, promised to better meet his needs, threatened/gave ultimatums, snooped through everything I could find & I even met with an attorney. He has said all of the typical WAS lingo – ILYBINILWY, you don’t have what I need to be happy, things will never change, etc. This stuff just tears me apart bc we didn’t have a horrible marriage – we just became too busy with work, household stuff &being parents. We didn’t make our marriage or each other a priority & we lost the closeness and connection that we once had.

I’ve tried GAL, ignoring him, working on myself, acting like IDC, I did the Love Dare, I’ve prayed, I’ve focused on the blessings in my life & the things I have to be thankful for…some of things have been helpful, others not so much. I’ve been very inconsistent at times & have probably been just as confusing to my H as he is to me. My emotions, comments, words, attitude and behavior have fluctuated from acts of desperation to save our marriage (pleading, etc.) to me telling him to F off for what he has done.

We are not legally separated. I work part-time so he pays every bill. Our DD lives with me. H is on a schedule to see her, usually about twice per wk and e/o wkend & as things come up. Per my request, he comes to our house to visit. I have asked that he doesn’t keep DD at his house. I want her at my house to keep her routine in place & to keep her in the comforting, secure home that she has always known. I don’t think it’s best for her to be shuffled between 2 homes.
H won’t go to counseling & I haven’t asked lately, but I’m guessing he will say he doesn’t know what he wants. That’s been his standard, routine answer. He’s said that over and over again. However, before our latest drama (explained below), I actually felt like things were going better. We were spending more time together as a family & it really seemed like we were getting to a better place. In fact, in Jan., H commented that he was trying. That was HUGE bc that’s about the only positive thing he’s said about our relationship.

But the drama mentioned above is killing me. I’ve wondered about an affair all along. Honestly there were signs, but I was too naïve and trusting to believe it. I know that sounds stupid, but I just couldn’t believe my H would hurt my DD and I like that. Over the past 17 months, there have been hotel stays (of course he said he was with guys), dinner charges on his debit card, phone calls (which I know started on or before June 2008), ebay charges for women’s items and recently I found condoms in his car and coat. Finding the condoms has rocked my world. IDK what to do. When I initially found them and confronted H he blew me off, saying the condoms “have been in there.” He dances around answering my questions, makes jokes & doesn’t take me seriously.

I have the name of OW, her cell # & her email address. Other than that, I know nothing about her. What do I do? I want to save my marriage, but I will not just hit here and allow him to cheat on me…any longer. I need help knowing the best way to handle this. It’s been about a month since I found the condoms & about 2 weeks since some of them have disappeared. I look at him and just about crumble into a pile of anger & sadness. When I recently saw that his condom “stock” had been used and replenished, I sent him a couple of texts and left a note in the car telling him that continued cheating is a deal breaker for me. I don’t think he takes me seriously or maybe he just doesn’t care. He’s acts like nothing is wrong – he lives in total denial about everything – about breaking up our family, hurting my DD and I, having an affair, etc. I feel like I have no control bc he does and says whatever he wants.

I want to do the best thing possible to save our marriage. When I think about a divorce & the OW maybe eventually having an influence on my DD, I am like paralyzed with fear & anger. I don’t want the kind of woman that would cheat & break up a family around my DD. At this point, H & OW have lost their integrity, morals & values & my DD does not need that in her life. And I don’t want to be apart from her. I desperately want her dad & I to raise her together.

What do I do? I have evidence – copies of his cell statement, hotel reservations, purchases, etc. Do I use it? I can’t force him to answer my questions or confess and I feel stuck.
For those that have experience with affairs, please give me feedback and guidance. I will listen. Right now IDK what to say, or do or how to act. This affair is like a whole other life that my H leads and he’s been doing it for so long. Can I break it up? I’m so exhausted from going through this – every time it looks like there is hope for us – some kind of bomb gets dropped on me and I have to start all over.
I need to set boundaries with H. I know I can’t control him, so what can I actually do? The reality of the affair has smacked me right in the face and I need help. I feel totally betrayed & disrespected. I’ve been here hoping, grieving, waiting - trying to stick this separation out & he’s been out cheating on me. I’m lost about what to do. How do I even start to address this?

[Greek]

I look at him and just about crumble into a pile of anger & sadness.

Cut that out.

When I recently saw that his condom “stock” had been used and replenished, I sent him a couple of texts and left a note in the car telling him that continued cheating is a deal breaker for me. I don’t think he takes me seriously

Bingo.

I want to do the best thing possible to save our marriage.

Why? This is a question you MUST answer. Not to me - but for yourself. Do you want to save the M for its own sake? B/c you love him? For your D? B/c you cannot live w/o a man or this man? B/c you are afraid to be alone? B/c you want to be taken care of?

I desperately want her dad & I to raise her together.

Lose the despair. It will suck the life right out of you.

What do I do? I have evidence – copies of his cell statement, hotel reservations, purchases, etc. Do I use it? I can’t force him to answer my questions or confess and I feel stuck.
For those that have experience with affairs, please give me feedback and guidance. I will listen. Right now IDK what to say, or do or how to act. This affair is like a whole other life that my H leads and he’s been doing it for so long. Can I break it up? I’m so exhausted from going through this – every time it looks like there is hope for us – some kind of bomb gets dropped on me and I have to start all over.
I need to set boundaries with H. I know I can’t control him, so what can I actually do? The reality of the affair has smacked me right in the face and I need help. I feel totally betrayed & disrespected. I’ve been here hoping, grieving, waiting - trying to stick this separation out & he’s been out cheating on me. I’m lost about what to do. How do I even start to address this?

EDITED -- Advice given was not in line with Divorce Busting principles -- and could cause serious consequences.

Greek

[pearlharbr]

I sent him a couple of texts and left a note in the car telling him that continued cheating is a deal breaker for me. I don’t think he takes me seriously or maybe he just doesn’t care.

Of course he doesn't believe you because your actions show him that you're still going to hang around and chase after him. Even that is pursuing behavior: you only need to say it once. If you're serious about it being a dealbreaker then follow through.

Make copies of all your evidence and put it somewhere he doesn't have access. If you haven't already retained a lawyer, do it tomorrow. Now you need to protect yourself financially for both your and D3's sake.

[CityGirl]

If your H has been gone for 17 months and in an active affair(s) then protect yourself and your child.

Do not inform him of your legal plans. Retain counsel and file. If you are unable to financially support yourself at this time your attny will advise you on what to do.

I second the idea to make copies (several actually) of all your evidence and keep it in a VERY safe place.

Some affairs fizzle on their own and some do not. My exH is still with his affair two years later.

[courts0818]

Hi Greek,
To answer your question about my statement, "I want to do the best thing possible to save our marriage." I want to save it bc deep down through all the pain, I think I still love him. I want to keep my family together. Somehow, I still have hope that we could be happy again. I want to honor the commitment that I made. I want to fight for my marriage.

I know that I can live without a man - In a way, I've done it for the last 17 months. I'm not afraid to be alone, I'm more of afraid of my DD coming from a broken home. No, I don't want to be taken care of. Although my H currently pays all of the bills, I do work part-time at my local hospital. I have a Bachelor's degree and great work experince. And the way my H has dumped on me, I know I'm strong and can take good care of our DD.

"Get a lawyer and file for divorce. That's what a strong woman does when her H is an adulterer." I'm so torn with this. I see the point in filing and taking a stand, but my heart just pulls at me bc a divorce is not what I really want. It's so hard to go against that gut feeling. Is that really the best thing to really do even if it's not what I want? I am totally conflicted.

I have a lawyear, I met with one a little less than a year ago.

I know, PH, my actions show him that I'm always going to be here letting him crap all over me.

[smith18]

Courts,

I remember following your situation back in Oct 2008 when you were going to confront the A at a hotel in Chicago.

Because of your continued emotional riding of the rollercoaster and your husbands continual cheating, cake eating and lack of respecting boundaries, I have to agree with Greek - get that big legal gun cocked and file for a D.

But keep in mind that a D can take a while to process. During my year going through the D, my W was at times on the fence and right before it was final she asked for another chance. I had realized, during that time period, that she was a crappy selfish bitchy wife and I said no and let the D become official. She is now married to her affair partner who is 31 years older than her.

[Kalni]

I am sorry, BUT, an A is dealbreaker? For what? You are not a couple anymore. He moved out a few months after he started the A probably because he couldnt handle both situations. Right now, you cant force any kind of utlimatums to him, ULTIMATUMS are for the ones that SET THEM... The way you describe things, he just isnt admitting the A. And before you think I am speaking with igmorance, I have been through the SAME thing. Only my H moved out 14 months after he started the A. He never admitted having the affair although I had indications/signs etc. I had to find hard proof for him to admit it.

So, your H has an A. FACT. It has been a while so he probably sees the A is not as perfect as he thought it would be. It happens to the most of them. He is cake eating because he cant make a decision. He will porbably NOT make a decision until you do. You are enabling him to stall but you are not using the time in your favor as well. It onlyy suits him right now. What do you want? As my friends here told me "is a A really a dealbreaker for you?". Greek says what would you tell your D if she were in your shoes? 99% of the people here are facing whether they know it or not an A. 99% of people here still would give their M a chance. Affairs dont kill marriages, what happens after the affair does.

What kind of person is your H? Has he been honest in the past, committed to you, dedicated to his family? How is his family? Has he done this before? Consider all these because they DO play a role to the probability of him coming out of it and staying out of similar situations.

My advice is confront him about the OW. Tell him you know everything. Dont ask for him to confirm. State it as a fact. Dont allow him to deny, joke about, question what you know. Then set your boundaries. Tell him calmly you will not accept the situation and pretend you are "trying". You will just get along as a divorced couple with a young baby girl. You will be making a decision soon about when YOU will proceed with the D.

I wish you would reconsider the possibility of your D spending time with him during weekends. You are now enabling him to have both worlds. And she is his child also. They need time. I know she is young but I am sure she loves her daddy and her daddy loves her. And it would definitely make him realise how it feels to be a divorce dad with a baby. When he visits at hime, LEAVE the house. Arrange to go shopping, at the hair saloon, for a walk, whatever...

Be polite, strong, confident, show NO emotion towards him, you have GOT to make him wonder if this woman he sees is the one he wants to loose.

Before all that, decide for yourself if you can get over the A. I am telling you, it's the hardest thing I had to face, much harder than the separation or the possibility even of the divorce and I am not optimistic I will be able to either.
K

How is your life? What do you do apart from working part time? Where is your D when you work?

[Steve McQueen]

Get a lawyer and file for divorce. That's what a strong woman does when her H is an adulterer. She does not pine for him, hope he'll change, despair and take crumbs.

I would expect nothing else from my wife if I was that stupid to do that to her. or is it nothing more?

[Steve McQueen]

actually, the disappearing condom trick would have been the last mistake I made in that marriage...

[Kalni]

Get a lawyer and file for divorce. That's what a strong woman does when her H is an adulterer. She does not pine for him, hope he'll change, despair and take crumbs.

I would expect nothing else from my wife if I was that stupid to do that to her. or is it nothing more?

I dont "get" subtle things in English. Please explain Steve...