Cyclone thanks for posting on my thread. I don't know if you have read the resources yet but I will put these links on here for you. I think you should start with the detach link first.
Welcome to this board. Sorry you have to be here but this is a wonderful resource and you will "meet" great people here who understand your sich and want to give you support.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
I also suggest that when you read the resources you read the entire thread not just the main posts. Also you can read some people threads start to finish. It is very helpful. You can view all their posts by clicking on their name. _________________________
Would you help her get the car if you were married and all was roses?
Is the car a safety concern for your children?
Are you Scroogey McScroogerson with money?
Instead of a flat NO.
The fact that you are wondering if you are simply saying no to show her what life would be like without you...
Check into the legal sides, do you get the car if she default sand you pay? Are there legal ways to protect yourself? Is her complaint about you and money valid?
I am not saying reward the MLCer.
I am saying look deeper before YOU come up with YOUR answer.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thanks everyone for the opinions. Lots to think about.
I have really reflected on this and what my real motives are. Jack, you always have an insightful question to the questions posed here.
I don't think I'm a Scroogie McScgrooge. I suppose there could be a fine line between being a miser and financially responsible. I have spent the past 13 years making ends meet without having a household budget. I am not Moneybags McMoneybags either and have had to make some choices about spending money. There is only so much to go around. W has been free to spend as she saw fit - until recently, she had pretty good judgement. Now she likes to spend money on things she feels she deserves - lots of clothes, eats out all the time, organic groceries, rent for the room she is keeping outside the house, etc. It has become increasingly difficult to keep the finances afloat and we are now starting to accumulate credit card debt.
So the car...I'm not stopping her from getting a new one. I just don't want to co-sign on the loan. If she chooses to get a loan and we D, I'll still be responsible for half that debt. If I co-sign, however, and we D, if she can't make payments the creditor comes after me. So I might be responsible for all of that debt if I co-sign. Any agreement that the two of us make about it doesn't hold any water with the creditor if I co-sign. I'm just trying to keep control of my own financial future and avoid my credit going down the tubes or worse, bankruptcy.
The car is still safe to drive, it just won't pass smog as it is. The bottom line is W wants a new car. It's just really hard to take the verbal abuse and anger over these things. She pulls out the D card everytime she doesn't get her way and accuses me of being adversarial. I'm no longer afraid of the D. It won't define me as a person.
The latest bit she has been spewing is that I never tried to make things work between us. I didn't chase her to let her know that I really wanted to make it work. I think I've heard from others that they have heard this, too.
The past couple of weeks have been really tough because her memory loss about things is really intense. I hadn't seen that before. Example: She dropped the bomb in mid Aug. Stopped wearing her rings and said she wanted a D. Yesterday, she said she stopped wearing the rings in Nov. and she can't remember when she first felt that she wanted to D; thinks it could be a couple of days ago or maybe Christmas.
Crazy.
Where's the popcorn?
Me: 43 W: 40 S10,S7 M12, T13+
My sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1952314&page=1
Then you have your answer, and answers. AND should loss no sleep over it. : )
That memory loss thing IS crazy isn't it? Me and my wife might be in Piecing, but her memory 'during' that time is for shitt still.
She will try and recall something from that time (an event for our sons, like a Christmas play at the beging of her MLC) and say wasn't that 2 years ago...and she is baffled when I say no it was 4 years ago for 'that' play.
"Are you sure?"
"Think about it." I'll answer, which she does and then goes...Ohhh yeah...
The memory is like swiss cheese after they took a shotgun to it. I wonder if that also isn't a clue as to an MLC. Horrible memory during it.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Some of this is venting but I'm interested to hear what all of your opinions are. She is really good at confusing the h3ll out of me. She has noticed my going dim and it really upsets her. It's been tough to hang in there throughout this anger and not give in and fall back to the fix-it person I used to be. The one that lost himself. Don't want to go back there even if it means we are done.
Usually when we change our behavior toward the WAS/MLC'er, they notice the difference and react in such ways in order to "make" us backslide back to what we were once again.
The old "us" was predictable, easy to manipulate, easily managed, for lack of a better word. When someone changes, the person affected has to find a new way to relate or walk away; their choice. In other words, we change, they change, most of the time for the better AFTER the storm is over with..but you must withstand the storm to get to the other side.
She cannot be allowed to manipulate you.
My advice would be to stand your ground, you KNOW what you can handle financially, and in OTHER aspects of your life and what you can't.
What she is doing/saying to you is abusive, and what doesn't she understand about the word "NO"?
What she is doing, also, is throwing a fit because you will not allow her to "get her way"; much like a three year old that says "MINE", and you say, "No, you have to share." They throw a fit, but it makes NO difference. In time, they learn to share with others...bad analogy, but I hope you get what I mean by this.
You are doing this correctly by standing your ground, she will either learn to respect your stand, or leave..HER choice.
Hold on tightly to yourself and your changes, don't give in, you'll get through this, she will eventually run out of things to create drama over, and she will change. But it may not be until she runs out of things to keep the "drama" going.
Believe it or not, this is a GOOD sign when the MLC'er is pitching fits WHEN YOU CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR TOWARD THEM.
The tantrum, such as it is, has a head clearing affect on them, and lets them know things HAVE CHANGED..and they "test the waters" to see if it is a permanent thing or temporary.
If you go back to your old self and give in, then change again, it starts this whole process ALL OVER again, only it will be worse the second go around. Her disrespect for you would increase, instead of gaining a whole new respect from her.
This is one of the times, when boundaries are set, and the word "NO" takes on a whole NEW meaning for the MLC'er.
And you're at a place where you'll be all right, no matter what happens.
Good luck, and keep us posted.
I recognized this from a place I'd been so long ago, it was eerie to watch this playing out in a different, but oh, so similar to something I'd seen before.
Take care of yourself.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Everything I'm reading on you looks SO familiar, and similar to what I endured with my husband...
My husband threw a tantrum on his way out of Withdrawal; he did NOT like the changes I had effected, and was pressuring me to "go back", he didn't want to tell the truth about things, and he threatened to leave, amongst other things, if I didn't "do right" and "shut up"
He screamed and yelled, and threw things, was literally out of control to the point I was literally quaking inside. But still I stayed calm, and didn't yell back.
He threatened to withdraw all love from me, I told him I still loved him. He threatened to never hug or kiss me again, and I told him I still loved him. He threatened to totally withdraw himself from me, and I told him I still loved him....and still he kept drama going, and I still didn't budge. I STILL loved him and told him so..and THAT made him even madder.
He was picking the "fights"..I wasn't fighting, in fact calmly invited him to leave if that was what he wanted to do, but I wasn't throwing him out.
The old me would have been crying and begging, the new me wasn't doing a thing except dealing with him calmly, and it made him MADDER.
Even to the point he spent ONE night on the couch; and broke down completely the next morning, gathering me in a great big hug.
The storm lasted over a week for him. I do NOT know how long it will last for you.
I just know it will break, and you'll see a change..but you must stand firm.
Reading your situtation, brought that memory back so strongly, and I recognized what your wife was/is doing.
She HATES the changes you have made, you have become a stranger to her; and so she is using everything and anything to "make" you go back to what you were to continue to justify her actions toward you.
It's like they WANT to stay where they are, and it takes the "sane" spouse to bring them forward.
The pattern is eerily clear to me. Stand your ground, this will pass.
Stand your ground, she WILL change.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
