Some of this is venting but I'm interested to hear what all of your opinions are. She is really good at confusing the h3ll out of me. She has noticed my going dim and it really upsets her. It's been tough to hang in there throughout this anger and not give in and fall back to the fix-it person I used to be. The one that lost himself. Don't want to go back there even if it means we are done.
Usually when we change our behavior toward the WAS/MLC'er, they notice the difference and react in such ways in order to "make" us backslide back to what we were once again.
The old "us" was predictable, easy to manipulate, easily managed, for lack of a better word. When someone changes, the person affected has to find a new way to relate or walk away; their choice. In other words, we change, they change, most of the time for the better AFTER the storm is over with..but you must withstand the storm to get to the other side.
She cannot be allowed to manipulate you.
My advice would be to stand your ground, you KNOW what you can handle financially, and in OTHER aspects of your life and what you can't.
What she is doing/saying to you is abusive, and what doesn't she understand about the word "NO"?
What she is doing, also, is throwing a fit because you will not allow her to "get her way"; much like a three year old that says "MINE", and you say, "No, you have to share." They throw a fit, but it makes NO difference. In time, they learn to share with others...bad analogy, but I hope you get what I mean by this.
You are doing this correctly by standing your ground, she will either learn to respect your stand, or leave..HER choice.
Hold on tightly to yourself and your changes, don't give in, you'll get through this, she will eventually run out of things to create drama over, and she will change. But it may not be until she runs out of things to keep the "drama" going.
Believe it or not, this is a GOOD sign when the MLC'er is pitching fits WHEN YOU CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR TOWARD THEM.
The tantrum, such as it is, has a head clearing affect on them, and lets them know things HAVE CHANGED..and they "test the waters" to see if it is a permanent thing or temporary.
If you go back to your old self and give in, then change again, it starts this whole process ALL OVER again, only it will be worse the second go around. Her disrespect for you would increase, instead of gaining a whole new respect from her.
This is one of the times, when boundaries are set, and the word "NO" takes on a whole NEW meaning for the MLC'er.
And you're at a place where you'll be all right, no matter what happens.
Good luck, and keep us posted.
I recognized this from a place I'd been so long ago, it was eerie to watch this playing out in a different, but oh, so similar to something I'd seen before.
Take care of yourself.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
