Calling all affair annihilators & boundary setters

[courts0818]

I’m starting a new thread bc I need serious help in dealing with my H’s affair. IDK where to begin…we’ve been married for 8 yrs and have a 3 y/o DD. In Oct. of 2008, H moved out. Three months prior to leaving, he became very distant, started going out more & more, stayed out really late, got very defensive when I questioned him & stopped going to church. It’s now been almost 17 months since he moved out.

Throughout our separation, I’ve done some really dumb things. I’ve definitely been an emotional reactor. I’ve cried, begged, wrote letters, sent emails & texts, promised to better meet his needs, threatened/gave ultimatums, snooped through everything I could find & I even met with an attorney. He has said all of the typical WAS lingo – ILYBINILWY, you don’t have what I need to be happy, things will never change, etc. This stuff just tears me apart bc we didn’t have a horrible marriage – we just became too busy with work, household stuff &being parents. We didn’t make our marriage or each other a priority & we lost the closeness and connection that we once had.

I’ve tried GAL, ignoring him, working on myself, acting like IDC, I did the Love Dare, I’ve prayed, I’ve focused on the blessings in my life & the things I have to be thankful for…some of things have been helpful, others not so much. I’ve been very inconsistent at times & have probably been just as confusing to my H as he is to me. My emotions, comments, words, attitude and behavior have fluctuated from acts of desperation to save our marriage (pleading, etc.) to me telling him to F off for what he has done.

We are not legally separated. I work part-time so he pays every bill. Our DD lives with me. H is on a schedule to see her, usually about twice per wk and e/o wkend & as things come up. Per my request, he comes to our house to visit. I have asked that he doesn’t keep DD at his house. I want her at my house to keep her routine in place & to keep her in the comforting, secure home that she has always known. I don’t think it’s best for her to be shuffled between 2 homes.
H won’t go to counseling & I haven’t asked lately, but I’m guessing he will say he doesn’t know what he wants. That’s been his standard, routine answer. He’s said that over and over again. However, before our latest drama (explained below), I actually felt like things were going better. We were spending more time together as a family & it really seemed like we were getting to a better place. In fact, in Jan., H commented that he was trying. That was HUGE bc that’s about the only positive thing he’s said about our relationship.

But the drama mentioned above is killing me. I’ve wondered about an affair all along. Honestly there were signs, but I was too naïve and trusting to believe it. I know that sounds stupid, but I just couldn’t believe my H would hurt my DD and I like that. Over the past 17 months, there have been hotel stays (of course he said he was with guys), dinner charges on his debit card, phone calls (which I know started on or before June 2008), ebay charges for women’s items and recently I found condoms in his car and coat. Finding the condoms has rocked my world. IDK what to do. When I initially found them and confronted H he blew me off, saying the condoms “have been in there.” He dances around answering my questions, makes jokes & doesn’t take me seriously.

I have the name of OW, her cell # & her email address. Other than that, I know nothing about her. What do I do? I want to save my marriage, but I will not just hit here and allow him to cheat on me…any longer. I need help knowing the best way to handle this. It’s been about a month since I found the condoms & about 2 weeks since some of them have disappeared. I look at him and just about crumble into a pile of anger & sadness. When I recently saw that his condom “stock” had been used and replenished, I sent him a couple of texts and left a note in the car telling him that continued cheating is a deal breaker for me. I don’t think he takes me seriously or maybe he just doesn’t care. He’s acts like nothing is wrong – he lives in total denial about everything – about breaking up our family, hurting my DD and I, having an affair, etc. I feel like I have no control bc he does and says whatever he wants.

I want to do the best thing possible to save our marriage. When I think about a divorce & the OW maybe eventually having an influence on my DD, I am like paralyzed with fear & anger. I don’t want the kind of woman that would cheat & break up a family around my DD. At this point, H & OW have lost their integrity, morals & values & my DD does not need that in her life. And I don’t want to be apart from her. I desperately want her dad & I to raise her together.

What do I do? I have evidence – copies of his cell statement, hotel reservations, purchases, etc. Do I use it? I can’t force him to answer my questions or confess and I feel stuck.
For those that have experience with affairs, please give me feedback and guidance. I will listen. Right now IDK what to say, or do or how to act. This affair is like a whole other life that my H leads and he’s been doing it for so long. Can I break it up? I’m so exhausted from going through this – every time it looks like there is hope for us – some kind of bomb gets dropped on me and I have to start all over.
I need to set boundaries with H. I know I can’t control him, so what can I actually do? The reality of the affair has smacked me right in the face and I need help. I feel totally betrayed & disrespected. I’ve been here hoping, grieving, waiting - trying to stick this separation out & he’s been out cheating on me. I’m lost about what to do. How do I even start to address this?