Hi Flowmom, LFW, and Cat are right the Mirror Work is VERY important..it is also the starting point I mention in my "article" of sorts about the LBS journey.
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HB, thanks especially for your post on the LBS journey. I needed to read that tonight as I come to terms with the ashes of my M. It always seems like the story is about the one who leaves and destroys the M. It helps me to see that the LBS has a story and journey too, that is more complex than ending up as a survivor who is emotionally maimed to varying degrees.
People, for some odd reason, always look for the main reason behind what happens in a relationship that's been broken,(which is usually so and so left their wife/husband, and destroyed everything) yet, hardly ever focus on the reason behind a successful ending, except to see that so and so came through just fine. They don't bother to learn WHY and HOW.
They feel they must do the same if facing a similar or same situation..as if they can somehow "skip" the journey/work needed to come through.
Then they wonder why they "recycle" back through, going into something worse than they came out of, although it may be the SAME type of situation.
People in this day and time; and even when I was here before wanted and want that SAME thing..a quick fix; things to be like they were "before".
"Why ME?" While that is not a selfish question, the fact that no one wants to suffer, prompts that question in a selfish way. The attitude, "Everyone needs to suffer, just not me."
No pain, no gain, was an expression I have heard most of my life..and it is true.
Before I "got it" that I had to take this journey to change, I wasn't much different. I, too, carried that same cry, blaming ALL on my MLC'er, since HE was the one who did this, HE would have to change...HE hurt me, and HE tore our lives apart....and it went on and on.
When the "light bulb" came on in my poor excuse of a brain..I GOT IT!!
But, LOL, I had NO idea what I was in for. It took me over two years during his MLC to work on myself PLUS four years of MY Mid Life Transition to finish what his MLC had started.
I knew what it entailed, which was the reason for my sermons/lessons thread, and I was writing about it as I was continuing to work through it. It was the best time to write and capture what I was feeling/experiencing..while I was going through it.
The healing/work/transitioning was constantly ongoing. Rarely is one able to constantly work on self, and take it to the finish in one sitting. Life gets in the way, there's still things we have to do in our daily lives, and it interferes with our processing, causing it to be put on hold, or we're helping our husbands through, and that was one of the things I was doing.....so we do it in our quiet times, of which there aren't too many.
I did alot of processing at NIGHT, when things were quiet, everyone was asleep, but I was awake, looking within.
What I didn't understand, I contacted my "sounding board", bouncing them off her to help me "sort" through; the answers were there, I just had to have help to find them.
Later on, while in the tunnel, no one was there to interfere, but it still took four additional years to process and finish the journey.
Yet, the tunnel seemed to have brought me back to word go in a way; and some things I'd seen and processed during his MLC, came up AGAIN during my time in the tunnel.
It is possible that I got the areas marked for improvement/change, started them while dealing with HIS MLC; then finished them during MY MLT(Mid Life Transition)
I do NOT know if I can get that memory to come clear, I've been calling up different things at different times, but nothing is coming in such a way to put this in order.
Not that it matters, no one person is the same; no one will experience it just the way I did. There will always be similarities, but never an exact duplication of a situation.
You can relate in areas, but never compare your life with another's...yours will never come out the same way.
For example, there may be areas in your life, that I already knew and learned about, so I did not have to face that particular lesson again. And it is the same with you; there may be areas in my life that you already know and have learned your lesson on, so you would not have to relearn that again.
Lesson learning is ongoing in your life, not just at the transional part of your life. We each learn things at different times in the first half of our lives with what's left being learned during the Mid Life Transition.
The more you've learned during your life as a whole in the first half, the less you've got left to learn at the halfway point.
And we may learn aspects of these lessons, but the main part of the lesson is not learned until the journey we take within ourselves.
Some things, I had learned, such as how to love, and forgiveness, were already learned..but learning the control lessons had NOT been learned, and I had to learn those. Boundaries was another area I had to learn, as I had learned nearly NOTHING of that area.
That's where the "self help" books come in..they are a great source of learning, and help you to understand more of your journey.
Depending upon your emotional makeup, some things you will learn about yourself, will surprise you, and some things you'll learn about how you need to change will make you think you're going against everything you were taught.
And, in a way, you WILL go against everything you've been taught. Boundaries(saying NO to the bad, YES to the good) teach you to take care of yourself, protect yourself from people who would harm you, use you; and will also teach you to tell the difference between the good and the bad. The internal alarm system within us is NOT just for looks..it has its uses..and we know, intuitively, when people are attempting to cross those protective lines we've automatically set up. But, just as we can set boundaries to keep bad out, we can also be guilty of setting boundaries to keep GOOD from reaching us, as well, because of low self esteem, low self confidence, the feeling that we don't deserve good things to happen to us....and when people are actually good to us, we shut them out; thereby setting a subconsious boundary against the good that we can experience IF we would just let down our guard, and understand that not everyone is "out to get or take from us".
We can learn that there ARE good people in this world, that are NOT out to use us, or abuse us.
That is were discernment comes in, and we learn to tell the difference(discern)between good and bad.
And there's more, so much more to learn...what we don't learn now, we will learn later on. There are NOT just the lessons, but the ASPECTS of each, and they are not learned all at one time.
We will still go through certain trials even AFTER our journey of self is complete, to learn ASPECTS of each lesson.
That's why I've said I'm STILL growing and learning..I will always do that for the rest of my life..but the MAIN tools were/are gained during the Midlife (middle part of our lives).
Hey, nobody said change was comfortable..it's HARD!
This is such a LONG journey..and that's why it takes a HUGE amount of time to complete..and that time varies from person to person.
But worth every minute we spend on the path to wholeness.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
