Thank you CW. But then does that mean I should not hold out hope at all?
How do I connect with my H in a way that he doesn't feel "trapped"? Stay dark? Even with the time that's left?
This has been the most difficult situations and I feel he is treating it like we just had a "first date and decided, oh well, I just need to move on..." It has been over 10 years!!
I know a lot has happened and we both made mistakes, but there is still value in the R. I reallt do not want a D, but I feel "pushed" by him to do things his way.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
No! I certainly don't mean that at all! What is life if we don't have hope? I just meant that it is out of your control to stop it if that is what he has decided! I really think that him being deployed is an opportunity. He will have time to reflect and miss you! Don't give up! But, you do need to detach and I am saying this when I still need to do this myself! I KNOW that it is not easy to do that! While he is gone, it will give you time to work on YOU!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
DU, your H left around the same time as mine so I feel where you're at in the timeline. I'm not dealing with the knowledge of the OW like you are, but I am dealing with the sickening realization that H is really sure that he wants a D. He has already moved the majority of possessions out of the home, and some of the furniture. He has bought new stuff for his apartment including new sheets etc. Every new milestone brings a wave of grief for me.
If you haven't read it already, I really recommend reading about the LBS's journey. We don't have to become maimed survivors of what the WAH does to us. We have our own road to travel and we need to start travelling it as soon as possible:
Give yourself the gift of the 48 hour rule. It has already saved me a few times this week. Take care of yourself.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I know that the advice I have received is to my benefit. I just don't know how to overcome this grief. Right now, I am in tears...
This woman coveted my M and H cheated and betrayed my trust. She can and should be fired as should he. I don't need him to take care of me. He has shuwn me nothing but anger, he doesn't care about anything other than himself.
I see it as exposing their EA/PA to the world. I am angry for the way I have been treated. I am angry for his not listening to reason. I am angry because he is thiking with every part of himself other than his head (the one on top), I am angry because he believes this is best for both of US. He does not speak for me.
I will wait 48 hours, but I will be calling the OW.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
It's the guilt and the MLC pain that's driving your H. He's lashing out because he doesn't yet understand that the pain and unhappiness are coming from within himself. The only way he will ever figure out that it is not you causing it, is to let him go.
It's human nature to want to hurt someone that's hurt us. Fight this impulse. It won't do your cause any good to talk to the ow at this time. What it will do is build a triangle consisting of her and your H and giving them ammunition against you. It will be giving them a bond and something else to do besides them getting to know each other. I know it's counter intuitive to do this, but as long as your H is bent on being with her, let him get to know the real her. She knew your H was M and she stepped in between anyway, let him get to know the real her. Let him find out and see what he's lost in you and that you're the better option if you decide that is what you want.
DU, this is not something that will be a quick fix, this will go on for a long time. Get your game plan set and buckle your seatbelt. Decide what it is that you really want out of life. If you let it be this time can be a gift to you. It will show you what you're made of, the things you want to change and how you want to proceed.
It doesn't seem like it now, but you do have the power, if you can center yourself and remain focused the opportunities will present themselves.
Keep trying to detach and I know it's hard, but it will make you feel better. Eventually there will be more days that are good than bad.
I will wait 48 hours, but I will be calling the OW.
DU,
I beg you NOT to do this.
You THINK it will make you feel better, but it won’t.
You will talk, you will accuse, you will maybe get the opportunity to ask her why…
And she will either tell you absolutely nothing, because she has done nothing wrong…
OR
She will repeat EVERYTHING your H may have said about you…
You are controlling, you are crazy, you couldn’t meet his needs, SHE is better for him…
OR
She will deny that there is anything going on.
NONE of those conversations is going to make you feel better.
I will GUARANTEE you this…she will NOT apologize, she will NOT have some sort of epiphany and stop seeing your H. She WILL tell him you called and THAT will give him ammunition to continue on the path he is right now.
AND you will be even more angry and more hurt.
The best revenge in all of this is living well, NOT being the cause of more pain and destruction.
The only way you can achieve that revenge is to work on yourself. To detatch, to release your anger and hurt, to go through the grieving process and begin to heal.
I know that it sucks. I know that it is unfair. But life is not always fair and often we just need to be the bigger person, no matter how hurt we are or how badly we are treated.
You can do this…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thank you all for the HUGS and Reality check. I am just so very angry with him and his behavior sickens me. I have decided to write an email message to him which reads...
"As I asked you, I would prefer that you do not show up without someone present considering the status of this situation. You have made yourself out to be the innocent party.
I have spoken to a lawyer and there is a one year period on separation before you can file per the state of virginia laws. I have my rights as do you, specifically as a military wife.
Furthermore, you indicated to me that you are still being deployed in late April 2010. As a result, I will continue to live in the house and you will continue to pay all bills as you have been doing since we have been together. We can then talk about this when your deployment is up.
You had the affair with a subordinate under your authority. I believed that our marriage, your integrity and sense of responsibility would never allow you to engage in such an activity. As such, you should know that I still have the emails exhanged between you and the OW even after you begged me to delate them.
Your decision has been detrimental to our relationship; I understand how you feel, but the question is why. Only you can answer that and should think about the consequences of your actions."
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Do not send that email! You need to turn this around with something different. Your anger is coming through loud and clear and you do not want to show your hand!
Do not send it!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It was his weapon, and I lived as if there was a gun to my head.
I was always afraid of pissing him off because it might just push him to file.
My therapist at the time, a very wise Woman, told me this...
The worst has already happened.
He left you and the children.
He moved 3000 miles away.
He has OW.
And you survived, you didn't die.
So why the hell should you be afraid of some papers?
Listen, I totally understand what those papers represent, but it is a formality.
A Divorce doesn't happen overnight, it takes time.
You do not have the power to stop him BUT you do not have to accomodate him.
Get some legal advice and find out what your rights are.
You do NOT need to tell him that you know what your rights are, I have found that playing dumb with MLC'er is far more effective then trying to blind them with knowledge.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
etc. Every new milestone brings a wave of grief for me.