Clinging he left 2 years ago, the divorce was final a year ago. I'm also working on dropping a lifetime's worth of baggage, too.
Interesting day... found out through my son's girlfriend that that he would love to see me bring a guy home, date. I said it would be a good thing for him to say to me. (Oh so want to avoid communication via a third party.)
But I ended up feeling a strange sense of relief.. almost like a load lifted that I didn't know I was carrying. I've felt kinda weepy all day.. with a headache too. His dad and I have always been polar opposites. The dad runs away, I, the mom, get protective. So perhaps I'll be more likely to step out. Didn't want to consider it until the kids felt secure.
Also had counseling today and told about the grueling exchange with the former spouse and how exhausting it was. I've been seeing her for a few months shy of two years. She made a list of the standard progression of communication between the former spouse and me:
Old Tape/Regular MO
1. Resist/refuse X 2. To insist on an explanation of X 3. To refuse the explanation of X 4. To insist on a visual of X 5. To continue to refuse. 6. To critique everything that I've done 7. To tell me what I should have done/should do. 8. Above = He again has gotten out of doing X because he has not changed or grown.
It's just exhausting dealing with him. Those interactions pull me down. He's toxic to me. My counselor can always tell when I've had to communicate with him.. I'm just so.. beaten? Especially when he's a horsie in a well, as Kerry so helpfully illustrated.
And after an emotional wrangle, I find I try and find ways to think that's he's a 'good' guy.. that some how I've misunderstood his actions. That is just old thinking on my part.. not wanting to accept that he's intentionally being a jerk.. that it must be me.
And that reminds me why no longer having him in my life is a good thing.. because that is what the relationship had devolved to, whether he realized it or not. Heck.. I didn't.. just figured I was always on eggshells and always at fault.
Anyway.. I'm tired.. but I don't think it's all bad. Just tired from having carried a load, too pooped to enjoy the relief. (Sheesh, that came out wrong!)(Damn.. did it again!)
