The journey begins

[ClingingToHope]

It's my night with the girls, but it's not a normal night. D11 is at the theater with W rehearsing for this weekend's play.

So it's just me and D7 ... except now that the weather is improving all the kids in the apartment complex were outside playing. Three girls around D7's age were outside so I walked her out to say hi.

Now she's upstairs playing with a girl and her brother. I went over to their apartment to introduce myself.

D7 is really excited so no worries.

Weird thing. I was doing dishes and starting to build up a little hope that I haven't seen W's "wish list" yet. No news is good news right? Then I remembered she's been tied up with costume stuff with the play for the past two weeks. That comes to an end Sunday and I'm guessing she'll then begin focusing again on the divorce.

I really thought at 10 months I'd be stronger than this. Maybe it's the fact April is usually a big month -- my birthday on April 2 and our anniversary on April 27.

I've come up with plans both days so I'm not home moping -- but still I keep thinking, you know maybe these days will mean something. Then I try to tell myself to knock it off.

How was everyone else at 10 months separated?

[awest1217]

For me at 10 months I was a mess and that is when we had the big blow up at New Year's. After that is when I got a lot stronger.

A thought from a while ago. Have you asked W about having the girls Mondays or Tuesdays instead of Thursdays as the extra day. Since W doesn't want to go 5 days on your weekends without seeing them, maybe that is a compromise you could make. I don't remember if you tried that already, but I was thinking about that as I was reading some of your posts.

I am glad D7 is making some friends. It will help her a lot.

[ClingingToHope]

We originally decided on Wednesdays because that's when W usually has to work late. Occasionally it's Thursdays. She's asked me to take them some additional Thursdays -- before an attorney got involved and likely told her not to do that anymore because I could argue her job is too much for her to have sole custody.

Which is the case. She works nights, mornings, weekends. Right now, her mom is pitching in a lot. That won't last forever.

I'm waiting until the next step in the process and then I'll strategize with my L.

In the meantime I'm just trying to fill up my brain. I brought work home tonight to do after they go to bed and I finally started writing again.

I spend perhaps too much time on here.

[Gardener]

CTH,

IHow was everyone else at 10 months separated?

Honestly? At 10 months I was coming along, DBing my arse off but was still pretty much in "Basket Case" mode deep down.

[ClingingToHope]

Gardener, how much "better" are you today.

Looking for hope.

[Gardener]

CTH, I'm at 16 months now. Three weeks divorced. In a better place. Still a roller coaster, but more of a kiddie roller coaster rolling up then down, not too high, not very deep. Still have my moments, that's for sure but overall calmer, more acceptance. Relieved. Done with it. Done with her.
Now to heal.

[ClingingToHope]

Just got back from D11's first performance of Narnia. She's a Narnian and a guard. She's on stage three times in the first two acts. They cut this version short because it was a school-day performance so I'm not sure what she's in in the final act.

D11 didn't get over last night until 9:30 p.m. because of rehearsals. She was really tired and wanted to sleep on the couch.

So I slept on the other couch and she was really sad. She said we aren't doing anything to fix the M so she guesses this is how it is going to be. She asked again if I'm going to get remarried and how was it for me when my mom got remarried.

I told her I'd asked W to go to counseling and to a church group on rebuilding marriages and she turned me down so I'm waiting to see if she changes her mind. My job is to work on myself.

I also told her about how I've seen several marriages on this site that turned around after 18 months to two years and we're still at 10 months.

She talked about how for guys there may be more than one true love, but women usually have just one true love. It's that Disney stuff and comes from W telling her she probably won't ever get married again.

I didn't argue, but I did say that I believe now more than ever I am W's one true love.

She asked me "then why is she being dumb?"

It's not that she's dumb, I told her, it's that she's just not happy and she hasn't figured out why.

She responded, "she is looking at the glass as half empty when she should look at it as being half full."

This is a major breakthrough for D11. She's always been a pessimist. I've always tried to get her to look at the bright side of things. This is really hard for her.

We finished with me saying that D11 and I can't reach into W's head and turn on a switch to make her happy. She has to figure it out on her own.

Of course, this is why I really, really, really need 50/50 custody. W doesn't talk to the girls about any of this -- or anything really -- she just gets so wrapped up into herself.

Typical range of feelings driving back from the play. I was wondering how things will go once the actual negotiations start. To this point she's had it easy. I moved. I gave her money right from the start. I took on the credit card debt. I filled in when she fell behind at work. We tailored the schedule around her job.

She's only recently started to feel the consequences of her actions.

But that won't save the M. I don't know what will save the M anymore. I was thinking yesterday, what if she showed up all apologetic? How could I ever trust her again? I'd think every down patch would be the beginning of the spiral again. And her best friend in the out-of-town biker bars? I'd right away say she can never go there without me. That'd be non-negotiable.

No. Each day this goes on it just seems all the more improbable that we'd ever get back together.

[kat727]

At 10 months I was still in Limbo. He would come over every night but not stay. I had every reason to think this would work out. Then he filed about a year after he moved out and didn't even tell me. I never got served, just hasd a "friend" tell me about it.

My now 17 year old son called him when he heard me crying and he came and held me all night. And that was it, I fell into a deep depression for about 4 months and I began to distance myself. I never gave up until I heard him say it was over for him under oath.

I am a year and 7 months out from the divorce and I am not obsessed with the mess like I was during the whole thing. I put in a box, locked it up and now it is on a shelf somewhere. No point looking at it right now.

He has been living with his affair partner since July and are engaged. That hurt but again, it has nothing to do with me.

I hope you can sort this all out. It sadly all takes time.

kat

[ClingingToHope]

I never gave up until I heard him say it was over for him under oath.

People keep asking me when I'm going to give up. And 99 percent of me has. It's the 1 percent of me that reads the few success stories on here and just won't give up.

[Gardener]

CTH,
Sounds like a great day overall and while D11 sounds remarkably astute for her age, this:

I told her I'd asked W to go to counseling and to a church group on rebuilding marriages and she turned me down so I'm waiting to see if she changes her mind.

may have been too much/not age appropriate.

She responded, "she is looking at the glass as half empty when she should look at it as being half full." This is a major breakthrough for D11. She's always been a pessimist

This is great!

I was wondering how things will go once the actual negotiations start.

Steel yourself and be prepared for the worst. It's business and it gets ugly between even the nicest of people.

I was thinking yesterday, what if she showed up all apologetic? How could I ever trust her again?

Don't "borrow" trouble from the future. You've enough on your plate for now - right now.
Keep on keepin' on.