flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[CityGirl]

The one thing you might try and keep in mind is failure is not always so cut and dry.

You are trying to improve yourself and heal your marriage. Isn't failure not trying at all? Since you are trying then you are not failing. It may not have the outcome you desire but that doesn't necessarily mean you failed.

Think of it this way. Say your child studied for weeks and weeks for an exam. You helped him/her. You knew in your heart your child did the best they could while studying and was dedicated to the process but they still failed the exam. Would that be a failure if they knew they put all they had in studying?

Or flip it around. Lets say your child took an exam and didn't study. Instead of studying the fooled around and never put any effort in THEN they failed the exam. Now you can be angry because there was no effort.

There is a quote (maybe here or maybe I read it elsewhere, I can't recall) that basically says you only fail when you do not try.

What you also have to remember is your H gave himself the luxury of detaching from you all the while you were living with him pre-bomb. He made sure he was comfortable and okay and things were done on his timeline before he said a word. Now you are being forced to not only accept all this but "detach on command" and it is NOT easy. I think that is the one time I had the urge to just haul off and slap my husband across the face as hard as I could... when he looked me dead in the eye and told me he had been thinking about this FOR MONTHS and made sure he was okay before he left. It is MUCH easier to detach when your safety net is in the next room. Not so much when you are abruptly left.

You do not deserve to suffer. You do deserve to be happy.

[Cadet]

This is not my idea of fun.

This is real work!

FUN = GAL. Don't forget that part. Its easy to forget.

[rr22]

CG said:
What you also have to remember is your H gave himself the luxury of detaching from you all the while you were living with him pre-bomb. He made sure he was comfortable and okay and things were done on his timeline before he said a word. Now you are being forced to not only accept all this but "detach on command" and it is NOT easy. I think that is the one time I had the urge to just haul off and slap my husband across the face as hard as I could... when he looked me dead in the eye and told me he had been thinking about this FOR MONTHS and made sure he was okay before he left. It is MUCH easier to detach when your safety net is in the next room. Not so much when you are abruptly left.




TRUE! He eased himself into it and gobsmacked you.

[Gnosis]

Flo, never posted to you before and I haven't followed your sitch. I was just wandering around... and popped in to ask if you had given any thought to what I posted to you on Luvless thread.

[kara]

Flo, Gno has some good advic on how to celebrate your day. I'll save it for my birthday later this year!!

CG, you summed up the detaching dilemma perfectly. I know in some cases OP are "true loves" but I believe in many they are simply a distraction or bandaid that the WAS "uses" as a means of avoiding working on problems.When the WAS is distracted full time they simply do not have to deal with detaching to the extent that the LBS does. They are caught up in frenzy and excitement of new "love". At least, that is what I think.

[Gardener]

flowmom,
That's tough.
And pretty damn cheesy on his part, saying such things within earshot, probably accidentally-on-purpose.

It hurts (the ex part especially). Don't take it personally. I believe that the one who does the most widespread woe-is-me broadcasting of their sorry lot in marital life is ultimately less credible in the minds of those who hear it and hear it and hear it. Those people ultimately grow weary and less believing and are more apt to say, "Boy, I wonder what flowmom's side of this. Notice how she never complains or vents to anyone?..."

imo

[flowmom]

I'm going out for dinner and to listen to jazz with a couple of friends. Not really looking forward to it, unfortunately, but I guess it beats being alone on a saturday night stuck in a birthday pity party. Make your plans today!

Flo I suggest that you do something totally radical and different on Saturday... something that involves a lot of FUN, FREEDOM and EXCITEMENT.

Recipe:
1) Arrange for someone to look after the kids the WHOLE day and night.
2) Start off the day with a facial, manicure, pedicure, leq wax, and maybe a Brazilian
3) From there move on to the boutiques and get yourself something hot and sexy
4) A long lunch with the party-pooper friends.
5) Next stop the hairdresser's for a new look.
6) Return home for a shower
7) Head out to a lively location for a full on PARTY with friends who know how to enjoy themselves...

What happens next depends on you.

Sounds fun but I don't Gno if I can pull that off! After 6 years of being a mom and 17 years of being with a party-allergic man, I don't really have party-ready friends any more. Believe it or not, going out to the jazz club was my wild-and-crazy plan . Though my sister and BIL (who are joining me Sat night) were trying to encourage me to go to a "Passion for Soca Carribean Party" instead...

[Gardener]

flowmom,

having trouble holding back the tears. I haven't been emotional like this in weeks but I guess I knew it had to come. The good thing is that reality is sinking in.

I know you know this, but find an isolated place* to just let 'em out. Let it all come up from deep within. It's supposed to happen. It's how we grieve, how we heal. I had an unexpected fairly weepy day yesterday, myself...

*Personally, I'm partial to shrieking and sobbing it out into a bunched up towel so as not to scare the neighbors.

And I second the award to aver for this gem! This belongs on Quotes found on Divorce Busting II

Unfortunately, this darn detachment thing isn't like undoing velcro. More like: what is the best, least painful way to chew my arm off to save my life, and then just be joyful to be alive with the possibility of getting a good prosthetic arm?

[avermont]

OK--well, pull of SOME of it!

I just tried waxing my legs, for one. Don't know about the Brazilian yet, but I am thinking of it!

What's wrong with trying the "Passion for Soca Carribean Party", whatever that is?

I know the problem of not having "party-ready" friends. It really takes time and work to find those new friends who can do that. But each step out of your usual pattern can get you there, right? and any party with "carribean" in it, has to be good!

Do try something new for yourself. You're not with the party-allergic man anymore, right?! Right! so see what it is like to party--you have your sis and BIL to lean on!

[flowmom]

And pretty damn cheesy on his part, saying such things within earshot, probably accidentally-on-purpose.

Yes, I assume it was accidentally-on-purpose. Like he's too much of a coward to say it to my face but he can vent to my best friend and on the phone right beside our precious sleeping child.

It hurts (the ex part especially). Don't take it personally. I believe that the one who does the most widespread woe-is-me broadcasting of their sorry lot in marital life is ultimately less credible in the minds of those who hear it and hear it and hear it. Those people ultimately grow weary and less believing and are more apt to say, "Boy, I wonder what flowmom's side of this. Notice how she never complains or vents to anyone?..."

I don't know. I assume that many people think "well she must have been a real piece of work" if he would leave his children who he's so devoted to...His social circle consists of old out-of-town friends, and friends from work or his sport. So they will probably not hear my side of the story. H is very convincing...he even convinces me that I've been a misery to be married to . Hence detaching!