Ring On or Ring Off????

[ddstartingover]

I am a terrible DB'er. I have accepted that. I don't know what the right thing to do is in my situation, but I know that I am in so much pain right now that it is hard for me to do anything.

I will be sending a version of the following. I am posting here for criticism, or comments on anything that is outwardly wrong. I am not sending this as a "trick." I do not have any expectations that this will change anything in his mind. If I expect anything, it will be more anger. I need to send something to have peace within myself. I hope all of my friends here can understand:

I know that I have accused you of approaching this without emotion and I have accused you of not experiencing any pain over all of this. I know this is not true. On the handful of occasions that I have tried to talk to you, you have remained silent, but I see the pain in your eyes. I know because of the way that you have avoided me and what all of this means, that this is not an easy thing for you.

You say that you still care for me. It is impossible for me to believe that this is not true, so I will accept this, but it is also impossible for me to believe that that is all you have left for me, and that divorce is the only answer.

I have asked you for answers. I have asked you for an explanation. I have asked you to help me understand. I have asked for you to look for another answer. I have asked you to TALK to me rather than e-mail. You have been unable to do any of this for me. I can't believe that our relationship has resulted to e-mailed requests for a divorce. It is hard for me to believe that this is "all right in your mind," but I understand that that is how you feel.

I have no recourse. I have no remedy. You decided you were done. You decided you had to leave me. You decided how we would handle the kids and what the arrangements would be for them. You decided that THIS would be best for everyone. Now you have decided that you have to have a divorce.

When I attempted to talk to you in October I asked you to tell me what I could do in an effort to open up the door to friendship, and to help you see another solution. You picked at the part of that conversation that referenced our beginning and made me believe that you now even see that as wrong, and now are pushing hard for a divorce. I do not understand.

I do not believe that divorce is the answer. I believe to the bottom of my soul that it is wrong, and I will not initiate the divorce because that is what you want me to do. I know that this is what you want----what you think you need, and I understand that.

You told me to get a lawyer, and I have, Xxxx Xxx. I made the appointment and I went to her office and I laid out how I felt about all of this and gave her all of the details of our lives together. It was not easy, in fact it was close to hell, but I did it. I told her how much I still care for you, and that this is not what I want. I have hired her to represent me, but since I will not be filing for divorce, there is nothing she needs from you.