"JUST WHOM IS THIS DIVORCE 'GOOD' FOR? Washington Post Just Whom Is This Divorce 'Good' For? By Elizabeth Marquardt Sunday, November 6, 2005; B01
It happens to about 1 million American children every year. Their parents sit them down and deliver the news that they're divorcing. ... We found that children of so-called "good" divorces often do worse even than children of unhappy low-conflict marriages -- they say more often, for example, that family life was stressful and that they had to grow up too soon; and they are themselves more likely to divorce -- and that they do much worse than children raised in happy marriages. In a finding that shatters the myth of the "good" divorce, they told us that divorce sowed lasting inner conflict in their lives even when their parents did not fight. No matter how "good" their parents were at it, the children of divorce were travelers between two very different worlds, negotiating often vastly different rules and roles.
Although only one-fifth told us that their parents had "a lot" of conflict after splitting up, the children of divorce said, over and over, that the breakup itself made their parents' worlds seem locked in lasting conflict. Two-thirds said their parents seemed like polar opposites in the years following the divorce, compared to just one-third of young adults with married parents. Close to half said that after the divorce they felt like a different person with each of their parents -- something only a quarter of children from intact families said. Half said their divorced parents' versions of truth were different, compared to just a fifth of those with married parents. More than twice as many children of divorce as children of intact families said that after the divorce they were asked to keep important secrets -- and many more felt the need to do so, even when their parents did not ask them to. "
Ah but you forgot one other scenario. When there is a well-adjusted family where BOTH parents are M and are involved with their children, they thrive the best.
And lets be perfectly honest. There is no relationship where a couple bickers 24/7. It's how they cope with conflict that is the key. If the couple shows a positive way of dealing with conflict (talking things out, etc.) the kids learn from that. Plain and simple.
We are all a product of our upbringing. Kids seem like they "bounce back" because at the time, that's how they cope. It gets buried beneath the surface only to come back up again when they're adults whether consciously or unsconsciously.
There are lots of studies that show both sides. Personally, I think the ones where the parents stay together, learn how to deal with conflict and show mutual love and respect are the best. Yes even the ones that go through all the stuff here can be learned.
Exactly. And when my ex left...she made it sound to everyone like all we ever did is fight...which wasnt true at all. We didnt even get into an arguement every week...let alone every day. She was desperately trying to justify her being with the OM.
And heres the thing...lets say there is a chance that kids will bounce back. That implies that theres also a chance that they wont. When it comes to kids...do you want to take a chance like that? I mean...really...most people err on the side of caution when it comes to their kids.
Out of curosity who told you to take a 3 year old to counseling? Did your therapist suggest this and tell you it will all be covered less your copay?
It was suggested by members here...and seeing the way she acts, cries, etc I tend to agree. And even if it isnt covered...if it will help D3 be happier and healthier I'll gladly pay for it out of my own pocket. I cant fix the source of the problem...but I can make sure she's better equippped to cope.
I asked my daughter what she remembers from when she was 3 years old and she doesnt remember much. vague recollections mostly from events we have photographs of. Developmentally, their brains arent fully developed enough in respect to long term memory at that age.
hmmm...I didnt plan to but I ended up spending a good chunk of the day with my ex and D3....first brunch, then the mall, then I put air in her tires and went to the car dealer to get her cars tire pressure gauge recalibrated.
dumb thing to do...and left me feeling confused and guilty about a lot of stuff...like the custody issue.
no begging or pursuing involved...and it was nice after all the resentment and frustration to not be at odds with her...but that wont last...especially when the custody issue comes to the front.
So while you were together, what did you two talk about?
there was some D3 talk...her behavior and such...we chit chatted about work. we went to the mall to look for a present for her grandmothers birthday. nothign heavy.
it didnt get heavy until after we had parted company and I messaged her that it was nice how we were able to interact with one another in a positive and relaxing manner n that I was able to help her out with stuff. she responded "today was cool. dont mistake it though", which meant dont read anything into it.
at that point the positive feelings I had faded, I started to feel like crap, and I think my pursuit switch flipped on (after a few weeks of it finally being off). I asked her why she had to throw in that last part...that it was kind of like doing something cool for one of the "Make a Wish foundation" kids then reminding them that they still had cancer and were dying.
She said she just said it b/c she didnt want me to get my hopes up and think all is well. Then she said "if you're gonna be like this we wont do it again".
She just will not let her guard down. She could be having the time of her life...but when she realizes that its with me, and the direction it could head in...she squashes it and any good feelings that come with it.
I pretty much told her that...and that it was ok to let ones guard down now and then...that you never know what you might be missing out on keeping your guard up. I then told her it was hard for me to think all was well when she kept bringing up that is wasnt. I told her that if something just doesnt happen its one thing, but to deliberately block it from happening when one is enjoying onesself seems to be depriving one of all that life has to offer.
Then she came back with her classic "whatever" response when she doesnt like what someone is saying...and said "This is why I dont wanna get into this. You're stressing me out again."
Is it just me...or does her saying "you're stressing me out again" translate as "I'm starting to feel guilty again"?
Speaking of which...prior to yesterday, we hadnt really talked or interacted much for a few weeks...but she told me yesterday that I was stressing her out and she got sick every time she ate. I asked her how that was possible since we hadnt really talked in a few weeks and she said she was stressed at D3 saying she wanted mommy to come home and she thinks I made her say that. I didnt really know how to respond to that aside from pointing out that D3 has feelings and does miss her...and that rather than trying to blame me she should consider the possibility that D3 really does want her to come home.
Again though I wondered if she was feeling guilty thinking that no one should be bothered by her leaving, especially D3.
At any rate, thats how a good day went bad quickly.
Oh and OTMT, I dont feel bad for begin good or having a good time...I feel bad because if this custody issue goes to trial, with all thats likely to be tossed out there by her L and my L, it's unlikely that we'll ever be able to be at peace with one another after that. I felt bad that in a few months, she could be getting accused of being (or shown that she is) a bad mother and such. I know my L would only put stuff out there like that to win my case...but its gonna hurt her and given my lingering feelings for her I dont wanna do that. If I dont though...I could lose D3.
Is it just me...or does her saying "you're stressing me out again" translate as "I'm starting to feel guilty again"?
it means,
"stop. its over. move on with your life."
you need to 180 your interactions with her. asap.
I'm not sure what 180 I could do at this point...like I said I didnt really talk to her or anything for the past two weeks...and she still said I was stressing her out during that time (even though it was based on D3 saying stuff and not me).
Is there such thing as a 90 or 270 in DB? As in halfway between 0 and 180 or 180 and 360?
I talk to her it causes stress, I dont talk to her and she's still stressed. I think the only thing that wouldnt cause her stress is if I acted like I was happy and ok with everything and said everything she wanted to hear with regards to everything she wants and is doing. Short of that or renting her and OM the honeymoon suite somewhere I dunno how to get her to come down off this "you're stressing me" kick and nip this.
