Wow, I expected to fall apart - I actually felt relieved! Makes no sense. It in essence changes nothing yet. I'm still going to DB. I guess it just takes some pressure off.
I made him take me to lunch. Continued to "listen and validate" per Gnosis' advice yesterday. H all excited about his airplane, I just supported him and wished him well. H talked openly about how he wants S to spend time at his "place" because he fears if S doesn't know where he disappears to he won't be respected as a parent as much. This took a lot to admit. I knew it too. All the yelling at S seems to be a reaction - to "prove" he's still an authority and a fear that he's MARGINALIZED.
My past pattern would have been to try to "fix" this by doing what H says. Instead I stood up to him: "if you choose to leave, that is a reality you are going to have to deal with. ON my end, I always include you in our conversations, remind S that you love him and wish you could be with him all the time and tell him he can call you anytime you're not at home". I refuse to be pushed into doing what H wants because he's insecure. He needs to own that his insecurities come from choices he made and are not for me to fix, or for S and I to suffer when he's yelling to prove himself as a powerful presence.
H started also talking about his brother who is coming to visit. Although BIL is the godfather, he shows zero interest, in fact annoyance, in his nephew. I'm working to find another godparent for S. H starts talking about how passive aggressive BIL is - and how he is so insecure about "what others will think" that he always puts on a front and then lies behind people's back.
As I listen and validate, H goes on to admit all the brothers, including him have this trait. I just listened and validated because I was just chatting with Gno yesterday about this. How H would rather run away and blame and not confront than be up front with what he thinks and feels. I was pleased to hear H being introspective and I just let him talk.
Then I owned that I sometimes too have been passive aggressive and avoided dealing with things I should have and that contributed to our marital problems. H didn't go as far to admit he does it with me, but he is beginning to be aware. That is a babystep.
I told him all about my show and he was supportive while also voicing his concerns. Another babystep - not acting out, but verbalizing the issues. But he congratulated me. Also on my new pt work - I"m building new career skills.
It was all very positive. STrange. I was even cracking jokes at the lawyer's to kill the tension.
It's also strange that I feel grateful that it's only legal separation, not D. That comes from DB. In the past I would have been depressed if everything wasn't perfect. But I've got PMA - there's still hope. H keeps saying he'll feel better getting into deeper issues once our finances are legally separate - and now they are. So I'm hoping he can actually do it. IF not, I'm ok with being independent.
