So while you were together, what did you two talk about?
there was some D3 talk...her behavior and such...we chit chatted about work. we went to the mall to look for a present for her grandmothers birthday. nothign heavy.
it didnt get heavy until after we had parted company and I messaged her that it was nice how we were able to interact with one another in a positive and relaxing manner n that I was able to help her out with stuff. she responded "today was cool. dont mistake it though", which meant dont read anything into it.
at that point the positive feelings I had faded, I started to feel like crap, and I think my pursuit switch flipped on (after a few weeks of it finally being off). I asked her why she had to throw in that last part...that it was kind of like doing something cool for one of the "Make a Wish foundation" kids then reminding them that they still had cancer and were dying.
She said she just said it b/c she didnt want me to get my hopes up and think all is well. Then she said "if you're gonna be like this we wont do it again".
She just will not let her guard down. She could be having the time of her life...but when she realizes that its with me, and the direction it could head in...she squashes it and any good feelings that come with it.
I pretty much told her that...and that it was ok to let ones guard down now and then...that you never know what you might be missing out on keeping your guard up. I then told her it was hard for me to think all was well when she kept bringing up that is wasnt. I told her that if something just doesnt happen its one thing, but to deliberately block it from happening when one is enjoying onesself seems to be depriving one of all that life has to offer.
Then she came back with her classic "whatever" response when she doesnt like what someone is saying...and said "This is why I dont wanna get into this. You're stressing me out again."
Is it just me...or does her saying "you're stressing me out again" translate as "I'm starting to feel guilty again"?
Speaking of which...prior to yesterday, we hadnt really talked or interacted much for a few weeks...but she told me yesterday that I was stressing her out and she got sick every time she ate. I asked her how that was possible since we hadnt really talked in a few weeks and she said she was stressed at D3 saying she wanted mommy to come home and she thinks I made her say that. I didnt really know how to respond to that aside from pointing out that D3 has feelings and does miss her...and that rather than trying to blame me she should consider the possibility that D3 really does want her to come home.
Again though I wondered if she was feeling guilty thinking that no one should be bothered by her leaving, especially D3.
At any rate, thats how a good day went bad quickly.
Oh and OTMT, I dont feel bad for begin good or having a good time...I feel bad because if this custody issue goes to trial, with all thats likely to be tossed out there by her L and my L, it's unlikely that we'll ever be able to be at peace with one another after that. I felt bad that in a few months, she could be getting accused of being (or shown that she is) a bad mother and such. I know my L would only put stuff out there like that to win my case...but its gonna hurt her and given my lingering feelings for her I dont wanna do that. If I dont though...I could lose D3.
