Flowmom, I believe Cat is referring to the work of looking in the mirror at the person you see and doing the work on her that you want to do, deciding what you like and what you don't like, what you want to change, and what you want to keep the same.
Mirror work--looking deep inside, facing yourself, deciding what you need to heal or change to become the person that you would like to be...
Knowing yourself inside and out and what you want and need our of your life, and what the best way to go about achieving those things is...
Oh, you mean the easy stuff . I'm working on it...
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Hi Flowmom, LFW, and Cat are right the Mirror Work is VERY important..it is also the starting point I mention in my "article" of sorts about the LBS journey.
Quote:
HB, thanks especially for your post on the LBS journey. I needed to read that tonight as I come to terms with the ashes of my M. It always seems like the story is about the one who leaves and destroys the M. It helps me to see that the LBS has a story and journey too, that is more complex than ending up as a survivor who is emotionally maimed to varying degrees.
People, for some odd reason, always look for the main reason behind what happens in a relationship that's been broken,(which is usually so and so left their wife/husband, and destroyed everything) yet, hardly ever focus on the reason behind a successful ending, except to see that so and so came through just fine. They don't bother to learn WHY and HOW.
They feel they must do the same if facing a similar or same situation..as if they can somehow "skip" the journey/work needed to come through.
Then they wonder why they "recycle" back through, going into something worse than they came out of, although it may be the SAME type of situation.
People in this day and time; and even when I was here before wanted and want that SAME thing..a quick fix; things to be like they were "before".
"Why ME?" While that is not a selfish question, the fact that no one wants to suffer, prompts that question in a selfish way. The attitude, "Everyone needs to suffer, just not me."
No pain, no gain, was an expression I have heard most of my life..and it is true.
Before I "got it" that I had to take this journey to change, I wasn't much different. I, too, carried that same cry, blaming ALL on my MLC'er, since HE was the one who did this, HE would have to change...HE hurt me, and HE tore our lives apart....and it went on and on.
When the "light bulb" came on in my poor excuse of a brain..I GOT IT!!
But, LOL, I had NO idea what I was in for. It took me over two years during his MLC to work on myself PLUS four years of MY Mid Life Transition to finish what his MLC had started.
I knew what it entailed, which was the reason for my sermons/lessons thread, and I was writing about it as I was continuing to work through it. It was the best time to write and capture what I was feeling/experiencing..while I was going through it.
The healing/work/transitioning was constantly ongoing. Rarely is one able to constantly work on self, and take it to the finish in one sitting. Life gets in the way, there's still things we have to do in our daily lives, and it interferes with our processing, causing it to be put on hold, or we're helping our husbands through, and that was one of the things I was doing.....so we do it in our quiet times, of which there aren't too many.
I did alot of processing at NIGHT, when things were quiet, everyone was asleep, but I was awake, looking within.
What I didn't understand, I contacted my "sounding board", bouncing them off her to help me "sort" through; the answers were there, I just had to have help to find them.
Later on, while in the tunnel, no one was there to interfere, but it still took four additional years to process and finish the journey.
Yet, the tunnel seemed to have brought me back to word go in a way; and some things I'd seen and processed during his MLC, came up AGAIN during my time in the tunnel.
It is possible that I got the areas marked for improvement/change, started them while dealing with HIS MLC; then finished them during MY MLT(Mid Life Transition)
I do NOT know if I can get that memory to come clear, I've been calling up different things at different times, but nothing is coming in such a way to put this in order.
Not that it matters, no one person is the same; no one will experience it just the way I did. There will always be similarities, but never an exact duplication of a situation.
You can relate in areas, but never compare your life with another's...yours will never come out the same way.
For example, there may be areas in your life, that I already knew and learned about, so I did not have to face that particular lesson again. And it is the same with you; there may be areas in my life that you already know and have learned your lesson on, so you would not have to relearn that again.
Lesson learning is ongoing in your life, not just at the transional part of your life. We each learn things at different times in the first half of our lives with what's left being learned during the Mid Life Transition.
The more you've learned during your life as a whole in the first half, the less you've got left to learn at the halfway point.
And we may learn aspects of these lessons, but the main part of the lesson is not learned until the journey we take within ourselves.
Some things, I had learned, such as how to love, and forgiveness, were already learned..but learning the control lessons had NOT been learned, and I had to learn those. Boundaries was another area I had to learn, as I had learned nearly NOTHING of that area.
That's where the "self help" books come in..they are a great source of learning, and help you to understand more of your journey.
Depending upon your emotional makeup, some things you will learn about yourself, will surprise you, and some things you'll learn about how you need to change will make you think you're going against everything you were taught.
And, in a way, you WILL go against everything you've been taught. Boundaries(saying NO to the bad, YES to the good) teach you to take care of yourself, protect yourself from people who would harm you, use you; and will also teach you to tell the difference between the good and the bad. The internal alarm system within us is NOT just for looks..it has its uses..and we know, intuitively, when people are attempting to cross those protective lines we've automatically set up. But, just as we can set boundaries to keep bad out, we can also be guilty of setting boundaries to keep GOOD from reaching us, as well, because of low self esteem, low self confidence, the feeling that we don't deserve good things to happen to us....and when people are actually good to us, we shut them out; thereby setting a subconsious boundary against the good that we can experience IF we would just let down our guard, and understand that not everyone is "out to get or take from us".
We can learn that there ARE good people in this world, that are NOT out to use us, or abuse us.
That is were discernment comes in, and we learn to tell the difference(discern)between good and bad.
And there's more, so much more to learn...what we don't learn now, we will learn later on. There are NOT just the lessons, but the ASPECTS of each, and they are not learned all at one time.
We will still go through certain trials even AFTER our journey of self is complete, to learn ASPECTS of each lesson.
That's why I've said I'm STILL growing and learning..I will always do that for the rest of my life..but the MAIN tools were/are gained during the Midlife (middle part of our lives).
Hey, nobody said change was comfortable..it's HARD!
This is such a LONG journey..and that's why it takes a HUGE amount of time to complete..and that time varies from person to person.
But worth every minute we spend on the path to wholeness.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
LOL, Jack at your EGO.....POP!!(HB pulls a pin to stick the ballooning ego)
I've been learning about the male ego for the majority of his MLC, and my own journey, and it is difficult for me to understand the male ego, and why it seems to be so important to a man to have it.
I think that is why men are from Mars, and women are from Venus....understanding is probably NOT for me in this area, as I'm NOT a male.
I feel for my husband at this point; he's extremely upset because he's down, and things are falling on me. I'm a strong lady, but I think this has hurt his "ego" a bit to see that he is NOT indestructible.
I'm trying to make him understand that I do still need him, although he is unable to contribute at this point in time to what we need in the way of material things.
The good news is we are pulling together as a family, the three of us, and son is pitching his lot with us to help us as long as his dad is down, and that is a good thing.
Have a good night, all of you.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Hb, Really enjoy you thread here. You really seem to be able to articulate what it is to be in a MLC or MLT. So this may be a silly question but it seems like there is always something to learn during this transition. Does one actually have a clue that they are learning during this process. I've been going through a transition for probably close to four years and I'm not sure what I'm learning. Is it simply how to live?
I really feel clueless.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
So this may be a silly question but it seems like there is always something to learn during this transition. Does one actually have a clue that they are learning during this process. I've been going through a transition for probably close to four years and I'm not sure what I'm learning. Is it simply how to live?
I really feel clueless.
When you totally "get it" work on, and finish your journey, Sir, the answer to this question: "Is it simply how to live?" will already be answered for you.
As each person is different, each journey is different. One person's idea of how to live is one thing, someone may have yet another idea, that doesn't even come close, individuality really does make a difference.....perceptions are the but one of the keys to how people view life as a whole.
I can relate to the feeling clueless; at a time when things don't look right, smell right and taste right in a bad situation especially one such as a spouse in MLC, you often wonder if you ARE learning anything, Is this worth what I'm enduring..and there is NO such thing as a "silly" or "dumb" question.
You don't get an answer if you don't ask a question.
I've read some of your situation; am still reading, and am right there with you; as I KNOW what you're dealing with...
I will say this, when you don't understand, ASK for clarification of what the mentors are saying...ask them to explain in other terms what they are saying.
I feel you're having trouble understanding some of the explanations you're getting when you ask questions, some of it is you, some is in how they phrase the statements; no harm, no foul, just a difference in people and how they write/speak.
Also, one small part of you really doesn't get it, still yet, and that's OK...it's ALL RIGHT to still be a little angry about how why you have to change, when it seems to be clear to you that she doesn't have to do anything...this is ME reading you; and I commonly do things like that when dealing with people.
Most of all, you're afraid of what's coming, what may come, in so many ways...and you're dealing with these "what if" questions; they seem to be coming in a flood, and you feel overwhelmed, SO overwhelmed.
You are also feeling a great deal of guilt on your end, for things you've done, or not done. You're also not sure, at this point on how to "connect the dots" to see the connection between the childhood damage that occurred when you were a child, and the here and the now as an adult.
The above has NOTHING to do with your wife, at all, Sir; it has everything to do with YOU as an individual.
This may help: Do NOT file a divorce because of fear. The only time to get a divorce is when you've done ALL you can; can't do anymore, and KNOW for a fact within YOUR OWN HEART you will do more damage than good if you don't totally get away from the situation. In a scenario like that ALL questions are answered, you KNOW it's all over..and no one can tell you it is not..you're the only one who knows what you're facing; no one else does. Only God, at any point in your life/journey, knows what is truly in your heart. If you are NOT in that place a divorce will only increase your pain, heartache, NOT end it.
Food for thought.
Now, understand, I am PRO-MARRIAGE, but I'm also an advocate of people who are hurting...having been there. I look at ALL sides of a situation, when I'm allowed to see all sides. I do NOT judge, nor do I try to force people along before they are ready or fully understand what's going on.
I have seen situations where people have continued to test my patience, but I do not lose my temper with them; the struggle to understand is always ongoing, and it takes time for people to "get it" in a total way.
What I also see, and pardon me for saying so; although you ARE working on yourself and you ARE learning; you've not separated your situation from your wife's; there's STILL an emotional overlap there; she has created an emotional distance between you two, but you are still reaching for her; and she continues to run away and act out.
You cannot work effectively on YOU if that overlapping is there.
Detaching and distancing, no matter what anyone says is for YOU to be able to "step outside" the situation, gaining the ability to look within WITHOUT all the emotional baggage coloring your perceptions. It doesn't mean you don't love your wife, but it does mean that you are no longer affected by her drama. Seeing her for all that this is..while you're getting that in pieces, but getting sucked in again at other times.
As long as you continue to get "sucked into the drama" whether with her or without her there with physically, it stands on the way or your own growth, and it interferes with YOUR individual growth.
You have got to stop worrying about what she's doing, when she's doing it...and calm down, backing off from where she is.
Otherwise, she will continue to hurt you; and you'll never get to a place where you can deal with her shenanigans without it affecting you.
Anything you say or do on her part at this time is construed as "control" and she will run away farther, increasing her "justifications" for her actions.
The only person we can control in this life is ourselves, not the MLC'er, not anyone else. And you cannot work on the relationship with her as long as she's stepping outside with others; "dating, etc." I know you still love her, but love is a "letting go" a backing away, so that she can 'find herself'. It is a necessary tool in this.
Back away, you can do nothing for her at this time, Sir; work on YOU, keep asking questions for the answers that are truly within YOU. Get a life; don't do anything that you know is wrong; just live your life AS IF she's not in, get the focus totally on YOU; as YOU are the important person here; not her...again, you can do nothing for her; only for YOU.
When she is ready, she will come to you, or she won't.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I am new here. I having been reading your posts non stop for hours and have learned so much. I am wondering how I share my story with you and get your input, opinion on some questions I have. I am a Christian and I too am leaning on the Lord to help me through this process, but yet I am so confused still and I was hoping to get some direct feedback from you if you would be so kind.
. I'm working on it...
