Positive Moments In Time

[Drew]

There's usually a kernel of truth in almost everything we say.

Kevin, you may think I'm being hard on you, and maybe I am. But there is a LOT of truth in what CG, 25, and others have been telling you. Maybe we're reading your situation all wrong but it certainly seems like you're not willing to change.

[CityGirl]

On the flip side of that... Drew, 25 and me are the ones that probably have done the most changing out of all the people that post to you on a regular basis.

25 had told her story many times and I think we can all agree it is pretty intense. My story, well, you know it already. I went back and read all Drew's old posts and it sounds to me like he had to make major changes as well.

Maybe it is easier to see what changes have to be made once you start actually experiencing them rather than just reading about them. I am glad you got a new job, you are having some fun, looking at new cars and new places to live and so on. All of that is very good. At your core though it seems you have shifted all the "real stuff" on to the Church and things are not much different.

I never really thought of it but 25 said something earlier today that really hit home. Say your marriage is declared invalid... what does that mean your children are? Invalid kids? How do you begin to address that with them? Is it really worth it?

[MrBond]

CG has a good point.

Although I believe it all stems from how the anger and resentment is being handled.

K4D, if there's one thing I learned to handle it's anger and resentment. Especially after OM tried to get me fired. And it's something that needs to be addressed so it doesn't come out when you're with the kids.

[Steve McQueen]

who changed the subject?

kevin, seriously, the title of yor thread is Positive Moments In Time. positively the most important thing you can be working on now is your core strength. You are going to feel more positive about yourself, stand up taller, lift more. Your blood will be pumping.

I hope you could have convinced yourself the other day that 25 situps wasnt very much and even if you dont like 'em whatsoever realized it wasnt all that big of a deal and 30 should be a piece of cake.

D12 s in karate? Developing a strong mid-section is important very important very important in reaching her martial art goals. Encourage her by doing them with her. Abs and hip flexor strength!

Drew - 50 double 0 seven 100 : )

[iluvme55]

I was wondering where you went to, havent seen you in MLC lately.....pray you are doing ok.....me, still the same, praying for a restored marriage....if we stop praying for our spouses who else will????

[K4D]

25,

I don't know if this is what you are implying and maybe I am misreading you. But it seems like for sometime no matter what path I take or where I feel I am at, that you seem to imply or think that I have not grown or changed in the least.

If I do a quick a review of where I was when this whole thing started versus where I am now, I'd say I have progressed quite a bit. Maybe I am not at the full level of where some think I should be, but I am definitely further along than where I started when this all began.

A quick review when I started...
I could not work. I could not eat. I lost 50 pounds. I could not function. I begged and begged my W for any kind of reconciliation. I cried a lot. I was afraid to do anything without her approval. I couldn't even pick an apartment without her approval. I was pathetic. I couldn't focus on my kids. My thoughts revolved around her and my situation 24/7. I would go home and go to sleep to try and escape reality. I was borderline suicidal. I had a major drinking problem for years that I was struggling with. I could not function as a human being at any level without her. I was afraid to live on my own. I basically feared life without her. I was destroyed in every sense of the word. Some of you remember all of this. Some of you were literally my lifeline while I was in Florida.

Fast forward to today. I am living on my own and functioning on my own. I am eating. I go out and have fun. I am a great dad to my girls and focus on them. I think of things and do things that are fun with them. I am making my own decisions on where I want to live next, what I want to drive next, my future career looks bright. I see hope for my future. I have plans for my future. I take care of my responsibilities. I have kicked alcohol to the curb. It is no longer a coping mechanism for me. I shop for myself and with my girls without any approval or care what my W thinks. My W goes out all the time with other people. I don't care. It doesn't bother me anymore. I am in control of my own future and happiness. She told me Sunday night when we were together volunteering as chaperones for D12's choir concert that she is trying to find someone that will go to the phantom of the opera with her. I didn't volunteer. I don't even know why she mentioned it to me. It doesn't matter.

My life is my own to live how I choose to live it. If I choose to submit to the authority of the church with regard to their ruling on my M because I believe that they have been given that authority by God... that is my choice. I make choices in my life now that doesn't necesarrily please others or agree with others, but they are my choices. Submitting to an authority is not bowing out of a decision if you truly believe that authority to be an authority on a certain matter. No where did I say I don't have to do any work on myself just because I believe them to be the authority on whether or not a M is valid.

I started out looking at the catholic church as a way to get God's attention to help save my marriage. I did not choose the catholic church to find some way out of my M. As I progressed in my knowledge of the church I became a believer that the catholic faith was what I had been searching for in my quest for truth regardless of my M. It had nothing to do with wanting out of my M. Infact, my knowledge at the time I started looking at the church was that there was no way out of my M via the catholic church. This actually at the time was more frusturating as I was hurting badly and feeling unreal betrayal. It wasn't until just recently that it came to light that my M might actually be in question as to whether or not it was valid. I severely challenged the catholic faith through this process of coming to believe in it as I had to be convinced I was wrong about the catholic faith.

That is all I will say about that as I am not going to spur a theological debate.

Now for your main points about "treating the long term intermittent depression, gaining coping skills and decision making techniques that are age appropriate"... I am not as depressed as I used to be. I am coping with life far better than I used to. And I am making my own decisions without consulting my W on any of them unless it directly relates to the kids and is something she needs to know or be part of.

I may have moments where I have a bit of frusturation with certain things my W may choose to do. I may have moments where I miss aspects of how my W used to be and the good times we used to have. I am human. Most do. But it doesn't control my life or whether or not I will choose to be happy. Maybe I am not 100% numb to her. But I am not controlled by her either.

I may not be superman. But I am good enough for me and my girls and getting better. And if I wanted to be a monk, that would be my choice. I don't want to be a monk as I can't see that being much of a fun life. But what is wrong with people who choose to be monks anyways? Those are very Holy people. If that is what they earnestly desire in life, why should anyone critisize that? You never know, they might be praying on your behalf. Is that a bad thing?

Life choices? All I do is make life choices now. Just because someone disagrees with my choice in life does not make it a non-life choice.

Here is the bottom line. I am not living my life for my W right now. My world means nothing to her. So why should I make it revolve around her? I shouldn't. I'm not.

CG, I can't really go into your question right now on D being nothing more than a peice of paper to the church when it comes to my particular M. There is more that has been recently brought to my attention that I am just not going to enter into a discussion about at this time.

Bond, I get what you are saying about making sure resentment doesn't come across to my kids with regard to my W. What you were able to overcome in your situation with the OM in trying to get you fired is admirable. I truly do admire you for that. I don't resent my W for the most part. I have a moment now and then where I can let that creep back in and I have to make sure I am aware of when that is happening or what might trigger that so that I take control of those feelings and emotions and stop them in their tracks so it doesn't bleed over into my kids. I have gotten much better about that with time. But it is probably not all together 100% there yet. But I am aware of it.

As far as the kids are concerned, they are not considered illegitimate either way because there was a civil union that took place. This has been looked into so lets just leave it at that.

Drew, changes in myself may not be seen or acknowledged by all and that is ok. They might not be happening at the rate that some want to see them and to the extent that some want to see them. But they are happening. I appreciate your tough stance though.

IRMAC, I still pray for my W. Glad to hear from you again and I hope you are doing well.

I am making forward progress.

SM, how many situps does this one require?

Kevin

[K4D]

Technically if you want to go all the way back to the first bomb, it has been a full 2 years of dealing with this on and off now. But I don't really much discuss the first bomb since we reconciled 2 months later.

I am not completely sure just how reconciled we were though.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

Kevin...you know, most of this is what I've wanted to hear for a long time.

Real talk about your real problems, what the hell you are doing about them, and no longer seeking the approval of others to make normal life choices. (True, we all struggle with the big decisions b/c we don't want to hurt others).

Yes I do worry about the depression and drinking (and backsliding), because I think there's a direct relationship. And you glossed over the underlying issues for so long, I wondered if you were just so used to being melancholy or depending on your wife that you didn't see how unhealthy it was/is, OR whether the idea of facing those fears was paralyzing to you and therefore would keep you stuck and not growing into the man you want to become, and in a dependence mode. Sometimes you seemed unaware of how sad and lonely you sound often.

It sounds like you are now recognizing the patterns more, but hey, this is the first time you've come out and said it this way. I needed to hear it.

And you have made some progress. You make a good point in contrasting where you were some 2 years ago, and where you are now. Stay moving in this direction b/c it's a lot healthier.

Hopefully you will see that in the grand scheme of things, BIG picture, the Church, and God, do not mean for you to be lonely and sad the rest of your life. What that means practically, you'll have to decide...as you should. I'd ask you to avoid that stubborness and rigidity that hasn't been helpful to you, so if a new idea or theory or opinion comes up, it doesn't rock your world too much, or cause the judgementalism to flare up and bite you. I have dealt with that myself, and my eyes are a lot wider now than they were when this all began.

But all in all, like I said, I'm glad you came out and said all this.

So...(drum roll) GOOD! KEEP IT UP! (for the non believers, it's moments like this when I say "Here, Proof there IS a God!")

j-

[Steve McQueen]

SM, how many situps does this one require?

how many have y'all done over the past few days? no lyin'.

[Startingover2]

Sounds like you have come really far since you first started! I hope you keep moving forward and be truly happy one day. I guess that is what we all strive for. I used to think the only way I will be happy again is if I have my intact family. We just need to make adjustments along the way.

Keep it up Kevin!