Mike it looks like you set some decent emotional goals for yourself. I wanted to share this w/ you- I'm sure others have posted this before.
I contemplated this morning when it was that my feelings changed for WAW.
It wasn't over breakfast or some enlightened experience where she was doing something and I watched her w/o her knowing.
It was the minute she said she was done and didn't want to work it out- and have her actions match that statement.
I honestly feel like she did not exist in my world until that happened- I know she was there, but I was so busy w/ everything else.
That's what you need to do to save the M- be the WAS and detach, GAL, be attractive for the opposite sex, and let W feel like you could care less.
I may be off- but that's exactly how it flipped my switch...here I am 6 months into this, she's out of the house and w/ OM2...and I have still failed at becoming the WAS>
Today, I commit to being positive and to be in control of my emotions.
I realize I cannot stop my mind from producing emotions and can only do my best to limit the affect they have on the way I project myself throughout the day.
I commit to becoming more independent from the things in life which cause me to react emotionally.
I commit to relaxing and thinking only of myself at some point during the day.
I will look forward and not look back.
As for the book, "The Men They Will Become", I have nothing but good things to say about it. Not only is it giving me perspective on "how" to guide my 9 year old son, but it is also giving me a perspective on "what" I need to be thinking about in order to transform myself into a healthier person. Its not a magic elixir but it does provide a framework for me, as a parent who didn't have a fatherly influence in my life for many years as a child. I am through 4 chapters and would give it a thumbs up.
I have something running through my head that I would like some comments on.....
I asked W yesterday - how long are we talking about here - is it measured in months or years?
She told me 2 years.
I think my wife expected me to keep a 4 bedroom house and remain in limbo until she could figure out what she wanted in life.
She had planned a trial separation once she gets a job and on her feet.
When I told her that 2 years was an awful long time to keep the house going, let alone me "waiting" for her to come back, it took her by surprise as I think she started to understand that there are consequences to her actions - I quickly told her that we need to start integrating our son into the discussion of "why sometimes things don't work out" and we needed to divvy up the debt that we have so I wasn't left holding the bag.
We picked up the conversation later in the night, lieing on the same bed for > 10 minutes together for the first time in a few weeks - it wss as if she wanted to say something but couldn't.
I confirmed that she does not want to move toward divorce and she wants the opportunity to be free.
I realize I have one move - detach and let time/patience enter the equation.
What say ye?
I am at the point in my own development where I want more out of my life. I am fully on board with not wanting to be partnered with a woman who casually chalks it up to a "fling" when in the end, she is outright having an affair on me.
I deserve better than that.
I don't want to push at all in fear that by doing so I will push her away but if she is planning on a separation anyway, why would I not push the issue?
To reiterate my situation, W lives in the guest room, I am in the master bedroom. I pay the bills. She provides dinner on the table and looks after my son.
I would like her to fully realize the consequences of her actions as she has had to much of the "have her cake and eat it to" scenario.
As I re-read the post above, I can see two different people writing it....almost like the strong person wrote the first part up to "what say ye" and the weak person wrote the part after that.
Actually she has been quite open and honest about how she feels, what she feels, and why she feels it...
You just aren't listening and don't seem to want to believe what she is telling you. It seems very clear to me what she is saying, has been saying and will continue to say...
You ARE NOT listening.. She is communicating LOUD AND CLEAR..
Let me paraphrase what I believe she is saying to you....
"I don't love you. I don't want to try to love you. I don't want to try to love you even if you say love is a decision. I doon't feel love for you. I don't want to try and feel love for you. I don't want to try to get it back".......
You are NOT listening. She couldn't be more clear.
Your solution is to LET HER GO... LET HER GO..
NOTHING else is going to work. NOTHING....
She is feeling nothing but PRESSURE from you. I'm not even living with you and I CAN FEEL it from you. PRESSURE DOES NOT WORK. GET THE PRESSURE OFF...
The way you do that is LET HER GO...
You are making this FAR more complicated than it is...
Give her what she wants. You are destroying yourself with this hanging in there method that is NOT WORKING...
You are going backwards. You should be going FORWARD....
Quit analyzing her and let her go. She is making it clear. You just don't want to hear or believe what she says. That means you are NOT listening to her.
I would like her to fully realize the consequences of her actions as she has had to much of the "have her cake and eat it to" scenario.
You think she's had too much cake to eat but you keep feeding her cake?!
You're good friends with someone who is cheating on you, regardless if it's emotional or physical.
How much respect do you think they have for someone they can hurt and treat so poorly? Think about that.
How much respect do you think they have for someone that they expect to wait around for them for what... 2 years?! Are you f!@#$%* kidding me?
You will be the backup option for 2 years just in case things don't work out for her. You don't mind putting your life on hold for her, do you? You've been doing such a great job thus far, why not continue doing this for the rest of your life. You can be her good friend, the shoulder to cry on when the OM uses her and gets tired of her. You can be the wallet she can pull money from whenever she's strapped for cash after living a great life at your expense.
I confirmed that she does not want to move toward divorce and she wants the opportunity to be free.
She basically confirmed that this is all her choice and everything that is happening is by her design, she is in control and you get to just stand there (or lie there) and take it like a man LOL!
1. She doesn't want a divorce. 2. She wants the opportunity to be free.
I'm using your words here but I'm going to prove my point.
She doesn't want the divorce just in case things don't work out with her living on her own and her relationship with the OM fizzles out. She doesn't want the divorce because if her fantasy fails, she'll have the safety net backup option that the supplicating beta-male (you) currently provide her with.
Switch it up.
"You're right I don't want a divorce either but if this is going to be 2 years of a free ride for you, I think I might as well make it a free ride for me too. If it's ok for you to be free and pursue other men, then I feel no need to maintain a commitment to you - I'll be free as well."
And then start dating.
Literally.
Be a good man. Don't be mean, or an a$$hole or a prick to her, just let her go because truth be told, she's gone, you're holding on to an idea, a shadow of what she once was, history, memories, etc.
Be a good father to your kids.
And be a great man for you, first & foremost - enjoy your life, it is short, fleeting and precious. Go date, enjoy the company of other women, boost your confidence and stop letting your wife hold you back or more importantly stop letting YOU hold YOU back.
Let go, detach, let go of resentment, the sooner you do this, those emotions you speak of on a daily basis will subside as well and life will be easier.
You have no value in her perception. She doesn't want what she can have easily and you're conquered, she can have you any day.
You're not dealing with love anymore, she's emotionally charged with feelings for another man and there is nothing you can do about it. Waiting forever and a day isn't going to bring her back, if anything it will make her feel sorry for you but that won't spark feelings of attraction.
