from Gritter-I just don't know what goes through a person's head when they make that decision. It wasn't the BBD (Bigger Better Deal) What value did he gain? Can you truly trust someone to be rational the next time he is confronted with that decision? It's not logical. He didn't value or even think of his commitment. The question is why? And why will he now? I see a lot of hoping his therapist gets to work on him and wishing you will get something better, and "I don't think he's a serial cheater". There is a big IF here and i think you better be comfortable with the reasons and the cure before you let your guard down.
This is my biggest concern. Letting my guard down and having faith in him. My husband was so logical...so conservative..so by the book. He took his vows so seriously when we got married. Before we got married, we lived together for 3 years. When people asked me how it felt to be married, I always said that nothing changed. He would get upset with that..and say that everything changed.. He just felt so different. WTF??? When we discussed having children..he would say that even though he didn't want children..if I wanted to, he would rather have a child than get a divorce. What happened?
Puppy- I definitely look at this like an addiction. He even looks like he is burned out. He has put on weight..looks bloated (I am sure he is drinking too much)..and just acting completely out of character.
But what stops someone who has tasted the illicitness to pass it by the next time it becomes available? My husband is in a position of power...there are going to be other's that will be dangling the carrot. Those morals and values he once had went out the window..what happens from here? Is this a learning experience? We used to smoke cigarettes several years back and decided to quit New Years day. Instead of waiting until New Years day- he quit New Years eve..to just prove to himself that he could do it...and he never looked back. Will this be like his cigarette habit? Just makes the decision and sticks by it? Will he remember all the pain he caused and how little he got out of it (his words)? Will he remember everything that he risked?
Some people do. Others, relapse. Transparency and a good MC -- who specializes in dealing with BOTH betrayed and cheating spouses of infidelity -- definitely reduces the risk.
WITHOUT 100% no-contact, transparency, and MCing, the recidivism rate is EXTREMELY high for infidelity -- northwards of 80%.
That is what I am worried about. The OW is still working in his office..and not sure if she is going to leave..although I have been told she has been sending out resumes. His office has only about 15 people. Can this work? Career wise..he is doing very well there. The partners do not want him to leave...I also would not want him to leave..it provides us with a good future...but I also realize there may not be a future with her in the picture. The partners now know that she has had multiple affairs in the office..they cannot fire her for the obvious reasons.. I am just wondering if she will ever leave.. what can be done to coax her along? She told my H that she has a lot of skeletons in the closet there and wants to move on but she hasn't found anything that would pay her enough to leave. She has 2 kids to support and just foreclosed on house so has tons of bills and cannot afford a pay cut. Why would you sh*t where you eat knowing that you need that job??? The same goes for my H. Can the addiction just 'subside' based on making a choice and sticking to it? Won't there always be an OW dangling the carrot? Isn't it better to condition yourself to not respond to the stimulus instead of removing the stimulus? especially when you cannot control when the stimulus will surface again?
It's not impossible for a formerly-cheating spouse to continue to work in the same work environment as their old affair partner, but it's HIGHLY volatile, and ripe for a re-conflagration.
Isn't it better to condition yourself to not respond to the stimulus instead of removing the stimulus?
Long-term? Yes. But a new addict doesn't have that kind of willpower. Do you keep alcohol in the home of the newly-recovering alcoholic, so they can "teach themselves to resist it?" Do you keep matches and kerosene nearby the pyromaniac? Do you locate the addicted gambler next to a dog track/poker room, "cuz it'll be good for her to learn to resist the temptation"???
The COMPANY should take an interest in this, but if they don't do the right thing, and get rid of the woman, then your husband needs to make a decision -- his career or his marriage.
It's that simple. Not EASY, but really that simple. Some people move to entirely NEW TOWNS to save their marriages.
I wish firing her was an option....a law suit is a major concern. Why is she being fired and not my H? the other attorney she rendezvoused with left the firm to start up his own. My H doesn't have the option to leave and start his own firm due to his client connections. The interest that the company took in the 'situation' was that one of the partners offered to let me know that my H is being a good boy and is at work when he is supposed to be and they don't notice any foul play. (one of the partners offered this to my H so that my H wouldn't think about leaving). Now I am not worried..right.
I understand your concerns. I had the same ones as did the others here who have decided to give their spouses another chance. Ultimately you don't know he won't do it again. There are no guarantees in life. It's up to you to decide if you want to give him and your M another chance because it's what you want to do. And know what your dealbreakers are moving forward. Then if you give him a chance and if he has another A or continues the last one you can move forward on your own knowing that you gave it your all.
It's a tough decision. It took me a month of really considering it before deciding to give BF another chance.
I don't know how some LBS's deal with their spouse still working with OP. In my sitch the OW was laid off during the height of their A (not related). If she was still in that office I would have insisted that he get another job if he wanted a chance with me. I know it's easier said than done but I know personally that I wouldn't be able to deal with it.
There isn't any grounds they can terminate her for? The company doesn't have a morals clause or fraternization policy?
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Pearl Harbor- There isn't any grounds they can terminate her for? The company doesn't have a morals clause or fraternization policy?
I wish. She has been there for 10 years and she is actually a good secretary (in more ways that one)..I hear. They actually want her to leave. She was one of the partner's secretary but asked to be transferred. She now works for a junior partner. I asked H why they couldnt just say she is being overpaid for what she does now? He didn't have a response.
I don't know if I will be able to tolerate this. H is so certain that she will leave at some point. She doesn't like it there blah blah blah. But this is the same song he has been singing for quite some time. Bored of this song. I am waiting to see some action. This is another reason why I don't want him to come home. If he is going to trip up..let him do it before I open myself up to him again fully. He is already out..elminates the need to give him the boot ;0
You shared a lot a couple of posts ago. It sounds like he is having self esteem issues. He's scared Sh*%less. It's funny to you probably because you look at him as so successful and driven and he was the football player, the lawyer, the partner, the beautiful wife every guys dream! right? On the inside though. You said he was depressed and moody etc. There is a deep dark secret in there. He won't tell you about it. You won't like him anymore. He feels alone with this secret whether its his love addiction, his depression, his fear of failure. He's not going to get any judgment from the tramp. She adores him, won't question his moodiness, won't challenge him to be the best person he can be, doesn't care if she knows his secret he gets unconditional lust.
That's why he went down the food chain. He is completely afraid. Same thing with my W. I told her- "of course this guy is going drool all over you he just won the friggin lottery!"
She's (W) afraid she can't post for the big race and I venture it's the same with your boy. It's easier to hide in mediocrity than do the tough work here. And it will be work.
I still think you need to see commitment- what Puppy said about MC and no contact. I think it has to be his idea to leave his firm. But he does need to leave. This chick is loading her gun I'll bet. It may be best anyway if I'm right about him. You've got some thinking to do. Everything's on the table now. All those dreams you had about kids and the nice house and vacations to Italy. You're going to have to realign all your values and figure out what's important to YOU first and if you'll be compromising any of it if you stay. Again stay only if all this crap is out on the table. He's got to come out of the closet. Then commit to a plan for both of you.
Just a theory ...but it makes sense if he just now started cheating. Maybe not in his DNA.
Gritter
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
