New to this Community seeking advice

[MichelleLT]

Missed you!

Glad you had a nice long weekend. Sounds like everything is stable in a good way.

You have made some very good progress.

No venom is good.

Not filing is definitely good. Doesn't mean she won't, or that she hasn't thought about it, but every day she doesn't is a positive.

Nice is definitely good. Sounds like there is a decent friendly foundation there now.

Things could stay like this for a while. Patience is definitely a necessity. But you also need to start thinking of little things to shake up the status quo a little. Maybe a random extra call. A little letter. Maybe even flowers for her and the kids "just because"?

What are some things you did when you two first started dating? What about things she has asked for? On a related note, do you know what her love language is? (Work smarter, not harder!)

[JR09]

Michelle,

Great to get your much needed insight. For Valentine's Day I sent my W 2 books. One is on bead jewelry, and the other is a collection of all Jane Austen's novels. No flowers, no jewelry. She said she liked the jewelry book.

Well, I actually have been increasing my phone calls to about 2 a week. No big declarations. just checking in and saying HI. I usually ask to talk to her after I talk with the kids. so far she's never refused a call.

I'll try the letter. Sounds like a swell idea...You mentioned flowers. Isn't that too much? The message would be definitely loud and clear. I have to also tell you that unbeknownst to me, 2 of my church leaders each wrote to her a letter to tell her how I was doing and the changes they've seen in me. They told me after they sent the letters. Maybe that also triggered some interest on my W's side, not sure.

Anyway. THANKS for chiming in Michelle.

JR09

I sure hope this finds you well Michelle.

[MichelleLT]

I like the books idea. Glad she liked them.

Flowers have a range of subtlety. Roses, pretty romantic. Definitely too much right now. Seasonal mixes, less so, might be a little more appropriate. Easter is coming up - you could send Easter lilies and have them addressed to her and the boys. Are there any birthdays or other events which might provide a good excuse?

You can obviously send Easter cards too.

I think the letters probably reassured her that the changes she's seen are not just for her, that they are not an act.

[JR09]

I did some GAL this evening and took part in this cardio salsa class. I didn't do too much salsa. I was more lost in the salsa to be truthful...All that footwork got me confused...But it was fun. That's what's most important.

I called the boys tonight and it was always a breath of fresh air to listen to them and their school activities. If being physically present is impossible, I tell myself that I am not doing too badly with my regular and consistent calling schedule. It could be worse and not be able to talk to them at all. Thank goodness that's not the case.

I heard my W in the background so after I talked with all 3 boys, I asked to say Hi to her. But my S10 said she had a lot of homework to do so she couldn't talk tonight.

I was Kinda bummed. She doesn't really say too much in the first place, so what's the big deal about NOT taking the call? It upset me a bit. It actually brought me down and made me feel like a complete loser. But then I said to myself that it's OK if she doesn't talk today. That's fine. No harm done. I'm still OK. I repeated those thoughts continuously to tell myself that it's OK, I'M OK.

After all, my W has the right to NOT take the call. It's how I REACT that's going to tell her how much I really changed or not. 2 years ago, I'd be on the phone calling non stop to try to get her on the phone. Tonight, I didn't call back. I told myself that she is entitled to her boundaries, and I'm entitled to be upset as long as I don't react like I used to 2 years ago, all mad, co-dependent , begging, pursuing.

I think I did well in spite of my disappoinmtent this evening. It took me to outline my thoughts to come to the conclusion that I AM OK. It's OK if my W doesn't want to talk tonight. And I AM OK.

Anyway, a lot of self-talk and rambling. But it's good to let it out. And best of all: I regained my composure, didn't sink into self-pity. I am OK.

JR09

[MichelleLT]

Good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!

On everything! On the salsa, calling the boys, and NOT calling back your W.

All of that is most excellent.

She had homework. It could be an excuse. Or she could just be stressed and not in the mood to talk. Going back to school is very stressful and time consuming. Not to mention overwhelming.

I'm glad you tried to be understanding even through your disappointment. Good for you!

[JR09]

Thanks Michelle.

Makes sense what you wrote. Studies, stress, who knows...I have to add that her brother is visiting so maybe she just wanted to be free from stress and all.

No sweat. I'm doing fine today. Like you said: i did well. THANKS for being THERE.

JR09

[MichelleLT]

Maybe she wouldn't know what to say to her brother about it either.

Who knows? Not me! LOL

Sounds like you bounced back quickly. That's good to hear as well.

[JR09]

W has remained silent lately. probably pondering the letters she received from 2 church pastors who vouched for my consistent changes in the past 15 months. My W is very respectful of religious leaders. She probably does not know what to make of those 2 letters, hence the silence.

She threatened to refile for divorce after the Christmas holidays, but nothing yet. That is a plus. Like Michelle says, every passing day is a victory if there is no refile yet.

I am hopeful. That's all there is left to do. Be consistent and hope for the best.

JR09

[MichelleLT]

She's got a lot going on just with being a single parent and going back to school. Throw a few letters on top and she's not only one very busy girl but also has a lot on her mind.

Let her process.

Be consistent.

How are the boys doing?

And how are you?

[JR09]

Michelle,

I have to be consistent. Boys are doing fine. They definitely enjoy our frequent contacts over the phone and by email.

I am holding on to that. W knows how much I care for the Boys. I'm OK. As you know it's tough. Very tough at times. I didn't know I could hold this long...20 months of separation is tough. But I have to look on the bright side. No divorce...yet. The loneliness is the hardest. I might as well be deployed again. even a deployment is shorter than 20 months...

Anyway, and so it goes...

JR09