Struggling with Hope

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I know I've pushed too much so know I just try and leave her alone.

Oh...I was also a controling and jealous husband.
most of the mistake in the marraige were the result of my immaturity and insecurity

I was also pretty selfish during the whole marragie, which is why right now I try and sit tight and let her drive

I struggle with thinking if I should stick with this or just file for LS in an effort to protect myself and my kids. But then again...I am doing this for my kids so I need to stick this out.

I try to be the best dad I can be but I do feel like I may have taken on too much housework in an effort to show her that I understand her need for her own "identity". I need to come up with a better game plan.

As I sit here I realize that I do not want my marraige to end I just need to realize that this is somewhat out of my control. The only thing that I can control is being a good Dad, become a better person and chaning the controling habits of my past. I know that I will have good days and bad days but I also know that I can count on you guys to keep me in line and keep my expectation real, which right now they are not. My marraige did not break in 6 months and it will not get fixed in 6 months. Keep the advice coming.

I am jealous that she appears happy and to have this care free attitude yet I am busting my hump to do everything. I still struggle with if I should stand up for myself but I just feel like doing so would come across as "control".

I am not embarrased to say that you guys have what I want. I want to be the best man that I can be.

I believe my actions forced her into the MCLERS. I was needy, co-dependant and pretty self centered in our marraige. I took her for granted. Now she is like a women scorned. So the struggle I have is that I have forgiven myself, I continue to work on myself with every part of my being I have seen so many changes in me but I am still very impatient and I struggle with detaching.

I know I need to be strong for my kids. I feel like contacting the lawyer and saying F it but I know that is not what I want.
but this is a total lack of respect. How can she respect me if I sit back and allow it - actually as I wrote this I guess she does not respect me now… OF NOTE – You talk a lot of how you disrespected her previous to this statement.

Since consitency was an issue in our R I need to remain consist I believe, which is a reason why I continue to do this.

Trust me. From a cultural perspective, I may be percieved as a weakling right now but who know man...who knows. This is the struggle I have. My MIL and FIL who have both told my wife she is nuts are aware of the first EA and they understand what I am doing but say I should confront. I did for the first EA but it did nothing. My MC says I should not bother so I would really like to hear from one of your ladies to get their take.

My spirtiual side tells me to walk in faith not by sight or by feelings. As you can imagine this is tough.

I was busy working on a career, traveling and pretty much being an a** (you know typical male imaturity issues).

She put up with my isecurity and controling for 16 years. She's put up with me being a drug addict for a 1 (our first year of marraige), she's put up with my immaturity and all of the other issues that I have. Poor money management, etc. All along she used to say the good always outwayed the bad. I guess until I gropped someone on my 40th birthday party. I was hammered but it is not an excuse. As I write this..I want to cry...sorry man...I feel like I've blown it. I think back on all of the crap that I;ve done and she stood their and here I am pissed that she has jumped into the arms of someone else. Hell part of me cannot blame her. I am changing I have changed and as sick as it sounds I can thank her for some of these changes. Damn - I miss her!

She was a very, very giving and sweet person who feels that I and everyone else has taken advantage of her. I did not help by alway being critical. I can now say it was my own insecurities that caused this. I guess I struggle with thinking that no matter what I do that this marriage can make it. I spent several year focusing on my needs and enjoying myself while she was the good wife at home

I have at this for almost 6 months and have seen almost no improvement. Granted I was not doing the right things early on and admit I made it worst in Oct, Nov and Dec. So for three months I have made it worst.

Like do I really have the stomach for this...should I just say F* it and go live my life. Legally I may have a better shot at getting the kids 1/2 the time Now that later.

I aslo think that what she is looking for is total unselfishness on my part. In terms of the school thing - I'm gonna sit on this for a bit, still do my research and see how thing progress over the next few weeks. Yesterday I really saw her anger and pain. She really is in a crisi and cannot see it. I realy feel for her.
The W appears to be looking for total selfishness, which is very tough given our sitch. Part of me does not trust her and I find myself doing things to protect myself, which if caught will probably back fire in my face.

She is not concerned about my needs at all, which I understand. The question that I will need to answer is how far do I want to go with this. She and I both know that historically I have been pretty damn selfish. Paying off the debt show that I am not but at the same time exposes me. In short, the question for me is am I in this for the long haul or not. I cannot continue to play both sides of the fence.

W was never a spender I was. Paying off the debt is the right thing to do but leaves me totally exposed. We are still in the house together and I see no signs of anything changing. I am standing for her but at the same time I struggle with ensuring that I am prepared for a future without her.

I on the other hand feel like I am paying down more of the debt which will benefit her more than I (although it will benefit me as well).

I have also realized that my indecisivness is something that is quite unattractive. She can see it and it sure does not help my sitch. This is something that i need to work on, in addition to the fear that I feel re: the loss of my W.

You know Lost I just realized how my insecurities and fear create the controlling person that I am. I hate it. Now I just need to look inside and figure out how to fix it. You are right it is inside. This my friend is a perfect example of the change and work that you guys all tell us we need to do. In my case, address the fear and the controlling and me as a person will be a better man. Wow.

You know I do not want to be selfish but I have no choice right now. This is my struggle. I want to change and I am in this for the long haul but I do need to protect myself and my kids from what she may decided to do in the state of mind that she is in.
I was very selfish during the M and so a 180 would be to not be selfish. I need to really sort this out.

Fear – Why and what am I so afraid of? Does my marriage define who I am as a person? I think not, yet being honest with myself I realize that I lost myself in my marriage. This fear that is in me drives the control in me. You see, in order not to be afraid I needed to control EVERY situation. How can I change this behavior I ask myself?

For others that may be reading my thread...look hard at yourself..search deep...you will find what you need to work on. But you have to be willing to really be honest with yourself.

I acknowledge that I am controlling. I acknowledge that I can be paralyzed by fear. I feel short changed by all of this. I feel like I have been crapped on. I just hurt. I feel helpless and depressed.

I need to rethink if I can do this. At a min. I need to really GAL and take my balls back cause right now I am operating completely out of fear and she can smell. If she gonna file then F – it go ahead.

Am I ready to completely call it a day - NO but I have to tell you that I am getting close. Not because I do not love her but more because I love myself.

She has made me feel like a second class husband. She has not accepted any responsiblity for any of this. She is working to position herself and I am the one trying to be nice. I do not think that I can be nice anymore. I just really fed up with her. Sorry more anger. I feel that I have grown at least in the area of making decisions when I am angry. I will take some time to think this thru but right now I feel that I may need to call it a day.

The self pity is probably guilt. I do feel guilty of mistakes and things that I did in the M. I am getting better at forgiving myself but I have to say that a big part of me feels like I lost the women of my dreams.

I have also decided to continue to pursue going back to school. The reality is that I cannot allow her to control my actions anymore. I need to do for me what I need to do.

Wow…that was actually tiring. Those are your words from all the posts previous to …yesterday. I was planning on line iteming them…but I have work to do today also.

I noticed your post about being broken still. YES!

Those words above…

Are not from a person who has committed to a course of action.
You are still selfish. You are still trying to control the situation. You are still the old Eric.

The person you say you want to be is still forming.

I do not trust you to see a lawyer just to see about protecting your interests. I see you pursuing your interests. I see you running them down in order to ‘protect’ yourself and moving forward.

In short, I see you seeing a lawyer as you giving up.

Go through and read your own words.

See if you see what I see and why those words.

Yes…but…

But..

F but.

I’d lose weight but for the donuts.

“But” is the weakness. It is the fear, and selfishness.

Try and see what I see, from the words you choose to show me.