I know I've pushed too much so know I just try and leave her alone.
Oh...I was also a controling and jealous husband. most of the mistake in the marraige were the result of my immaturity and insecurity
I was also pretty selfish during the whole marragie, which is why right now I try and sit tight and let her drive
I struggle with thinking if I should stick with this or just file for LS in an effort to protect myself and my kids. But then again...I am doing this for my kids so I need to stick this out.
I try to be the best dad I can be but I do feel like I may have taken on too much housework in an effort to show her that I understand her need for her own "identity". I need to come up with a better game plan.
As I sit here I realize that I do not want my marraige to end I just need to realize that this is somewhat out of my control. The only thing that I can control is being a good Dad, become a better person and chaning the controling habits of my past. I know that I will have good days and bad days but I also know that I can count on you guys to keep me in line and keep my expectation real, which right now they are not. My marraige did not break in 6 months and it will not get fixed in 6 months. Keep the advice coming.
I am jealous that she appears happy and to have this care free attitude yet I am busting my hump to do everything. I still struggle with if I should stand up for myself but I just feel like doing so would come across as "control".
I am not embarrased to say that you guys have what I want. I want to be the best man that I can be.
I believe my actions forced her into the MCLERS. I was needy, co-dependant and pretty self centered in our marraige. I took her for granted. Now she is like a women scorned. So the struggle I have is that I have forgiven myself, I continue to work on myself with every part of my being I have seen so many changes in me but I am still very impatient and I struggle with detaching.
I know I need to be strong for my kids. I feel like contacting the lawyer and saying F it but I know that is not what I want. but this is a total lack of respect. How can she respect me if I sit back and allow it - actually as I wrote this I guess she does not respect me now… OF NOTE – You talk a lot of how you disrespected her previous to this statement.
Since consitency was an issue in our R I need to remain consist I believe, which is a reason why I continue to do this.
Trust me. From a cultural perspective, I may be percieved as a weakling right now but who know man...who knows. This is the struggle I have. My MIL and FIL who have both told my wife she is nuts are aware of the first EA and they understand what I am doing but say I should confront. I did for the first EA but it did nothing. My MC says I should not bother so I would really like to hear from one of your ladies to get their take.
My spirtiual side tells me to walk in faith not by sight or by feelings. As you can imagine this is tough.
I was busy working on a career, traveling and pretty much being an a** (you know typical male imaturity issues).
She put up with my isecurity and controling for 16 years. She's put up with me being a drug addict for a 1 (our first year of marraige), she's put up with my immaturity and all of the other issues that I have. Poor money management, etc. All along she used to say the good always outwayed the bad. I guess until I gropped someone on my 40th birthday party. I was hammered but it is not an excuse. As I write this..I want to cry...sorry man...I feel like I've blown it. I think back on all of the crap that I;ve done and she stood their and here I am pissed that she has jumped into the arms of someone else. Hell part of me cannot blame her. I am changing I have changed and as sick as it sounds I can thank her for some of these changes. Damn - I miss her!
She was a very, very giving and sweet person who feels that I and everyone else has taken advantage of her. I did not help by alway being critical. I can now say it was my own insecurities that caused this. I guess I struggle with thinking that no matter what I do that this marriage can make it. I spent several year focusing on my needs and enjoying myself while she was the good wife at home
I have at this for almost 6 months and have seen almost no improvement. Granted I was not doing the right things early on and admit I made it worst in Oct, Nov and Dec. So for three months I have made it worst.
Like do I really have the stomach for this...should I just say F* it and go live my life. Legally I may have a better shot at getting the kids 1/2 the time Now that later.
I aslo think that what she is looking for is total unselfishness on my part. In terms of the school thing - I'm gonna sit on this for a bit, still do my research and see how thing progress over the next few weeks. Yesterday I really saw her anger and pain. She really is in a crisi and cannot see it. I realy feel for her. The W appears to be looking for total selfishness, which is very tough given our sitch. Part of me does not trust her and I find myself doing things to protect myself, which if caught will probably back fire in my face.
She is not concerned about my needs at all, which I understand. The question that I will need to answer is how far do I want to go with this. She and I both know that historically I have been pretty damn selfish. Paying off the debt show that I am not but at the same time exposes me. In short, the question for me is am I in this for the long haul or not. I cannot continue to play both sides of the fence.
W was never a spender I was. Paying off the debt is the right thing to do but leaves me totally exposed. We are still in the house together and I see no signs of anything changing. I am standing for her but at the same time I struggle with ensuring that I am prepared for a future without her.
I on the other hand feel like I am paying down more of the debt which will benefit her more than I (although it will benefit me as well).
I have also realized that my indecisivness is something that is quite unattractive. She can see it and it sure does not help my sitch. This is something that i need to work on, in addition to the fear that I feel re: the loss of my W.
You know Lost I just realized how my insecurities and fear create the controlling person that I am. I hate it. Now I just need to look inside and figure out how to fix it. You are right it is inside. This my friend is a perfect example of the change and work that you guys all tell us we need to do. In my case, address the fear and the controlling and me as a person will be a better man. Wow.
You know I do not want to be selfish but I have no choice right now. This is my struggle. I want to change and I am in this for the long haul but I do need to protect myself and my kids from what she may decided to do in the state of mind that she is in. I was very selfish during the M and so a 180 would be to not be selfish. I need to really sort this out.
Fear – Why and what am I so afraid of? Does my marriage define who I am as a person? I think not, yet being honest with myself I realize that I lost myself in my marriage. This fear that is in me drives the control in me. You see, in order not to be afraid I needed to control EVERY situation. How can I change this behavior I ask myself?
For others that may be reading my thread...look hard at yourself..search deep...you will find what you need to work on. But you have to be willing to really be honest with yourself.
I acknowledge that I am controlling. I acknowledge that I can be paralyzed by fear. I feel short changed by all of this. I feel like I have been crapped on. I just hurt. I feel helpless and depressed.
I need to rethink if I can do this. At a min. I need to really GAL and take my balls back cause right now I am operating completely out of fear and she can smell. If she gonna file then F – it go ahead.
Am I ready to completely call it a day - NO but I have to tell you that I am getting close. Not because I do not love her but more because I love myself.
She has made me feel like a second class husband. She has not accepted any responsiblity for any of this. She is working to position herself and I am the one trying to be nice. I do not think that I can be nice anymore. I just really fed up with her. Sorry more anger. I feel that I have grown at least in the area of making decisions when I am angry. I will take some time to think this thru but right now I feel that I may need to call it a day.
The self pity is probably guilt. I do feel guilty of mistakes and things that I did in the M. I am getting better at forgiving myself but I have to say that a big part of me feels like I lost the women of my dreams.
I have also decided to continue to pursue going back to school. The reality is that I cannot allow her to control my actions anymore. I need to do for me what I need to do.
Wow…that was actually tiring. Those are your words from all the posts previous to …yesterday. I was planning on line iteming them…but I have work to do today also.
I noticed your post about being broken still. YES!
Those words above…
Are not from a person who has committed to a course of action. You are still selfish. You are still trying to control the situation. You are still the old Eric.
The person you say you want to be is still forming.
I do not trust you to see a lawyer just to see about protecting your interests. I see you pursuing your interests. I see you running them down in order to ‘protect’ yourself and moving forward.
In short, I see you seeing a lawyer as you giving up.
Go through and read your own words.
See if you see what I see and why those words.
Yes…but…
But..
F but.
I’d lose weight but for the donuts.
“But” is the weakness. It is the fear, and selfishness.
Try and see what I see, from the words you choose to show me.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I read your response several times and first I'd like to say thank you. I know that you are trying to get me to the place that I need to be at not for my M but for ME.
Let me tell you want I see in my posts....
I See....
A man that is in a great deal of pain because he has realized that his M is over.
A man that is trying to get off the hampster wheel but struggles with it because he still believe that he can do something to "fix" this.
A man that is dealing with the severity of his situation the best way that he can.
A man that is fustrated and angry.
A man that recongizes that his anger must be dealt with in a constructive way and not projected at his W.
A man that is still trying to hold on to his W but is realizing day by day that he must LET GO.
A man that has not embrassed the natrual change that occurs in life.
A man that is still dealing with the guilt of the role that he played in the breakdown of his M.
A man that is scared and paralyzed by fear.
A man that is indecisive and is really struggling with doing the "right thing".
A man that keep thinking that he can think his way out of this situation.
A man that believes that he can still control the outcome.
A man that is hurt because of his action over the past 17 years has alienated his two oldest children.
A man that is coming to grips with his selfishness.
A man that is extremely impatient because he wants the few changes that he has made to be noticed.
A man that still has an ego
A man that in a way wants this all to end.
A man that is lonely
A man that has lost his best friend and is hurt by it
A man that know realizes that HE was codependant on his W
So Jack you are right...I have not decided completely decided on a course of action.
On the positive side, I do see....
A man that wants to change A man that is learning A man that is focused on being the best dad that he can be A man willing to listen and search his soul to find the answers to his questions A man comming to terms with the reality that his marriage is over A man that is becoming a little more confident that he will make it thru this. A man that is realizing that he is and always has been strong in some ways A man that has finally made a descion to stand but to stand in honor to his family and himself. A man that know accepts that he must let go A man that now knows that he will know when it is time to no longer stand. That time will come when I am no longer angry.
Jack your post has made me realize a lot about myself so much so that I have come up with a new set of actions...
1) LET GO - detach, whatever you want to call it. 2) Heal myself - in the condition that I am in I am no good to no one including myself. 3) Speak with a L to only find out a little more about custody and what could happen. The instruction to the L will be very clear - I DO NOT want a divorce. 4) Never to speak again of giving up 5) To accept where I am at this point in my life 6) To continue to work on myself and my issue but to also give myself some time. I need to be gentle on myself. 7) to continue with my GAL activities 8) To begin to develop new relationships 9) To stand firm in my convictions and positions 10) To continue to be the best Dad that I can be.
Thank you again Jack - thank you.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I am pretty strong guy that is a lost right now. I KNOW that I will regroup and be better because of all of this. I am letting her go..I am letting her go..and will focus completely on ME and my R with the kids. I have some work to do with the boys but the R between my D and me is excellent.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Last night I went out for a few drinks and had a pretty good time. Got home just in time to read a quick book to my sugar booger (my D).
I forgot to mention to everyone what transpired between W and I yesterday morning. She was off and told me that "our D is being picked on in school" - I asked her "how did you find this out" her response "what I'm not allowed to talk to my daughter" - my response "no need to speak to me that way" and then I walked away. She came back a few minutes later and applogoized "I'm dealing with my own issues of you asking me questions" - I said no problem I was just wonder if the school had call that's all.
Also, overheard her convo with her girlfriend who said that she should watch her phone and make sure that he did not load GPS software on it otherwise he will now where you are.
This morning an log on to my PC and found that she looked up "sprint stores" so I suspect that she is getting another phone (this would be the secound time).
Also, this morning she sent me a text asking me to move money from our saving to the checking acct. The text said "thanks have a good day". I have not responded should I? Part of detaching is that I really do not want anything to do with her right now. I am really disgusted with the whole sitch but I am healing and am detaching. So should I respond to the text? Oh..by the way I did make her and the kids breakfast today (I went to work out at 5AM while she was still in the house).
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
You're looking for something...'incriminating' and lets say you don't find anything, but you keep looking and looking and well...man you do not have to look hard in most cases.
Even though you are hoping you don't find anything.
Stop listening to her conversations.
Kettle,
Snooping feeds the monsters in your head and they get bigger.
Sincerely, Pot.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
