I believe that what you're describing as "insecurity" is referred to by Cs as "co-dependence," and as such there's a lot of information and assistance available to learn to deal with this relationship toxin.
Also, I wanted to bring up something you mentioned a little while back:
"She is the one who destroyed a family, she is the one whose own selfishness acted out on the exact accusations she made up in her own mind I was guilty of. She is the one who ahs this person who has no business in our lives being a constant problem. And finally, she is the one who is starting to act and do the exact things that led up to to the demise of our marriage. Thus, I am the one who has the right to feel insecure, certainly not her.
It was a reminder to her, and mainly me, I am in the driver's seat here. I am the prize. I am the one who should be reassured day in and day out. And I am the one who has every right to be nerved, scared, and upset. It is her position to show me otherwise."
This raises a few red flags to me: coming from an attitude of blame is NOT a good way to re-establish a relationship. While you do need to be reassured, etc, it's no good as long as you're unilaterally demanding this--you both need to be involved in finding new ways to interact. Also, you say that you are "in the driver's seat," yet a healthy marriage needs to be a partnership, not a driver plus a passenger.
We're all here because we didn't learn the relationship skills we needed as children, and you don't want to stress an already fragile "new" relationship by blundering about trying to discover new ways of relating. Why not bring in an expert who is skilled in repairing relationships as swiftly and painlessly as possible?
