Just so you know, the first rule about Retrouvaille (like Fight Club) is that you don't talk about Retrouvaille. At least not what goes on there except in very general terms. They do ask that of everyone on the last day, for good reason, so that people don't get too many ideas about it.
If there is an OM in your situation, prepare for it to not change that at all. It will definitely undermine the effort of the weekend, which is to give you the tools to address your problems. They say third party relationships must be ended before attending. They don't always check on this (they didn't in my situation and I went anyway).
It is a lot of effort to go through and not get what you want out of it. It is well worth it to try to end the OM situation, get an agreement to work on the marriage, and then attend. That said, if communication is an issue for you, and it seems like it is for almost all marriages, there is still some benefit to be had. Just manage your expectations accordingly.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
As you may have seen I asked before if I should bring the proof of an EA to this weekend. One post said a non- confrontational weekend is what this is about.
So do I bring this proof, otherwise everyone seems to say if there is an ongoing affair this won't work. I don't want to scare her off the weekend.
Advice?
TBL now equals "Toward Better Love" M-44 W-42; 2 kids; married 11 years 1st bomb 10-08, reconcile 12-08 2nd bomb 8-09, moving toward reconcile 3-7-10
We're both hoping to find love, committment, and some sense of moving forward. Why bring in poison?
IF she did something, can't this problem wait?
If Retro needed 100% no EA/PA situations, there would be an investigation.
Just because it didn't help for one person because of an EA doesn't mean it won't for you. I am not 100% committed to my marriage, but I'm going hoping - ready to work. If your W isn't, you won't really know until Sunday.
I really think you should drop the issue until later on.
As you may have seen I asked before if I should bring the proof of an EA to this weekend. One post said a non- confrontational weekend is what this is about.
So do I bring this proof, otherwise everyone seems to say if there is an ongoing affair this won't work. I don't want to scare her off the weekend.
Advice?
If you don't intend to "out" and address the EA beforehand and possibly get an agreement that it will be dropped, Retrouvaille is not a place to bring proof and then confront her with it.
The weekend is not for solving problems, it is for learning tools to address your problems.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Nervous, probably. If I really analyze this and I have been contemplating this for a bit...whenever I actually pose the big questions is when she answers it's all over but the division of assets.
She tells others it is over this summer, that she will file then.
So a huge part of me says everytime we really discuss things the answer I get is that after months of change and effort to be the best spouse I can be is that, good for you, good for your relationship with the children but I don't care.
So imagine if you will, 20 hours of conversation, when everytime we have a deep conversation it comes down to basically hit the road jack.
That's why I am nervous. I understand the entire concept of Retrouvaille is to change the communication dynamic....but I swear (and I hope I tragically wrong on this) that we do communicate and the answer is that everytime we communicate the answer is your out.
I did receive a call from one of the presenters of Retrouvaille tonight, seemed like a nice guy. Answered some questions I had. I look forward the unknown.
So one answer is trust me, it cannot get worse than it is. I pray for the opening of her heart a little bit.
TBL now equals "Toward Better Love" M-44 W-42; 2 kids; married 11 years 1st bomb 10-08, reconcile 12-08 2nd bomb 8-09, moving toward reconcile 3-7-10
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