Pearlharbor- So what have you done to work on you? Have you identified your part in the problems in your M? Have you worked on remedying them? What have you done to GAL? What have you done to treat yourself?
After d-day #1- My husband told me that he was used to being put on a pedestal (good athlete, only boy, smart etc).. his parents doted on him endlessly. He said that I didn't do that enough. I agreed..we were both very busy with our careers at that time. He said that we were boring. I agreed with that as well. We spent so many years traveling because of my job- being back at home became kind of mundane..we were also not going out so much because we were saving money to do work on the house. He said that I wasn't happy and he was right- there were several things I wasn't happy with. So I immediately made some changes.
I went out and bought "His needs, Her needs". I started working only 9 hour days..I didn't go into work so early any longer. I got a cleaning lady so that I wasn't annoyed that he didn't lend a hand around the house. I started cooking simpler meals so that I can do things I enjoy. I started Pilates and got Rosetta Stone to learn Italian. We were going out 3 nights a week- dinner, drinks, whatever. On the weekends and some work nights- we both went biking together and really made it our thing to do together. I was actually very happy after making these changes. I started seeing a therapist so that I could work on my feelings about his affair. He seemed happy with these changes as well....but then I noticed a change once again in him. The summer ended and it started getting colder..he started working later.. more excuses.
After d-day #2- At this point I am at a loss. He tells me that he needs to get help and prove to me that he is the man that I married and win back my love. He doesn't know how he can hurt me like this. For the next month he is miserably depressed...miserably. He comes home and sleeps on the couch. We aren't really communicating..I am waiting for a change..he is doing nothing!! I begin seeing my friends more and more. I am not cooking dinner for him..No laundry..no nothing!! He told me he broke it off again but I just knew he was talking to her. I left for awhile..then I needed him to leave. We needed to give this whole thing space. I made a comment before separating that I wish he could take his affair to the bitter end..because right now it was the forbidden relationship..still illicit. I told him to move in with her. I really assumed that during our separation he would have done some soul searching..not continue to cultivate an affair with the OW. He took it as I gave him permission.. Like that would ever happen.
During this two month separation...I have had a life outside of him. I have on occassion been needy..especially in the beginning. I did try to talk him into our marriage..I did try to talk him out of his affair.. He did start going to IC during this time..I continued with mine. I have made plans as if he was not coming home.
It almost seems like he always knew he was going to come back home. When he wanted me to give him ways that he can prove the affair is over..I didnt have anything. He asked why I havent been giving this any thought. I told him that I had no expectations.. He seemed to be very surprised about this. I know there are things in our marriage that can improve..unfortunately I cannot really get much out of him. It appears that his problems are because of his issues..he says he doesn't blame any of this on me or our marriage...they are his problems. Whatever this means. I actually do have some issues with this marriage...for one his moodiness which I mentioned before. Like most of the people on this site, our spouse treated us like garbage during the affair. It is hard to remember pre-affair life..when he treated me better. Does he now just continue to treat me like [censored] because we have established a pattern? or does this go away? I think everyone is familiar with the blame game that the WS plays to relieve guilt. "I am going to cheat on you...and then treat you like scum because of it"- so rational. ugh
