WAW Using God II

[pigskin]

Basically told me she doesn't know what is really missing in our relationship to be able to put it into words, she just knows that "it" is not there. She knows "it" when she sees "it" and knows that "it" is "out there". I guess in other men.

This is the same quote that Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart used to define "pornography." Stewart wrote in his short concurrence that "hard-core pornography" was hard to define, but that "I know it when I see it."

Maybe that's what she was talking about when she said "it."

That's kind of what I was thinking when she said it. Obviously she thinks the OM has "it". I just think she's going to find a lot about the OM that is going to offset any "it" he has.

[pigskin]

"I just told her don't be, you can't help what you feel."

Uh yes she can. It's called free will. It's called choice. If she CHOOSES to stay in the relationship and acts on it, the feelings will follow.

With all this talk of God, have you thought of going to Retrouvaille?

Okay I think the biggest problem with your conversation with her was that you were validating some of the wrong things. After everything she was rambling on about, just say, "I see why you might have felt that way."

Never say, "I understand your feelings" because truth is you don't. All you want to do is agree that she views her perspective a certain way. Then stick to your guns and say "I believe..."

Your W sounds like she's going through a major midlife crisis and is using God to okay her childish behavior. Well last time I checked, your W was an adult. With adult responsibilities. God isn't going to show her the way because she doesn't want to be found. She's fine being confused right now. So let her be. Think of her as the Prodigal Son. If she wants to come back home, she knows where to find you.

All the stuff about how she was "reaching out" to you over her vacation, then turning around and saying that she doesn't know if she can trust God yet. Give me a break.

God is just God. You take Him or leave Him. He doesn't have to prove anything. It's up to us to prove that we are worthy of Him. So I wouldn't get into the God issue anymore with your W. Get her away from thinking about divine intervention and more about how she is going to fix the mortal mess that she made.

We went to Retrouvaille last year, and it helped communication a lot. But she had not dropped her EA, so it didn't have the effect I was hoping for, which is why they want third party relationships ended before you go.

I know what you are saying Bond. I was trying to get her to understand that I hear what she says she is feeling. And putting myself in her shoes, I see how difficult it would be.

The flip flopping is just brutal, but I can't say it is unexpected. I was prepared for it, and even prayed before our conversation that I would be open minded, not emotional, and have the courage and strength to say and do the right things to further our marriage cause.

She keeps saying she has cut off the OM but it is obvious she hasn't done so in her mind. She hears everyone around her countering her position, and that plays into her belief that to give in would be to do what she has always done, which is to act based on what others want, not what she wants.

She's such a mixed bag of emotions. She doesn't like when I go dark on her, and when her depression kicks in she seems to validate her feelings by telling herself I'm not supporting her. I guess I have to mix up my approach a bit. If the OM is truly out of the picture then it seems OK to reach out to her. I just don't want to be burned by cake eating again.

[pigskin]

One of the things she said that bothered me was that "I know what I am doing is not what God wants, but I am at peace with that. So many people at church have divorced and are still great people and God has forgiven them."

Not a very Christian perspective from someone who claims to now be a Christian.

[silverado]

Just because God has forgiven someone doesn't mean that He "excuses" them from the consequences of their sin.

I'm sorry, Pigskin, that she is doing this to you and your kids. ((((P))))

[pigskin]

Just because God has forgiven someone doesn't mean that He "excuses" them from the consequences of their sin.

I'm sorry, Pigskin, that she is doing this to you and your kids. ((((P))))

Thanks silverado. Yeah, my W is so new to belief in God that she is confused on a lot of stuff. Seems to think God offers "Get Out of Jail Free" cards that you can stockpile and use whenever you feel the urge to sin...

[idontunderstand]

"The flip flopping is just brutal, but I can't say it is unexpected. I was prepared for it, and even prayed before our conversation that I would be open minded, not emotional, and have the courage and strength to say and do the right things to further our marriage cause."

Holy crap, ain't it the truth! You are doing a great job here. My W is (was) a very commited catholic, never missed mass, said rosary, etc. She is now a Christmas & Easter Catholic.
I look up to you, I really do. I hope I have the strength that you are showing when I need it. It's all the more difficult with young kids, isn't it? That's who we need to be strong for and get our strength from. God too, of course. Stay strong!

[pigskin]

"The flip flopping is just brutal, but I can't say it is unexpected. I was prepared for it, and even prayed before our conversation that I would be open minded, not emotional, and have the courage and strength to say and do the right things to further our marriage cause."

Holy crap, ain't it the truth! You are doing a great job here. My W is (was) a very commited catholic, never missed mass, said rosary, etc. She is now a Christmas & Easter Catholic.
I look up to you, I really do. I hope I have the strength that you are showing when I need it. It's all the more difficult with young kids, isn't it? That's who we need to be strong for and get our strength from. God too, of course. Stay strong!

Thank you for the nice comments, idontunderstand. I get comfort in thinking that my suffering may somehow help another. I have become a sort of marriage relations evangelist to all of my friends, as I see a lot of the warning signs I myself missed.

Really my heart breaks for the kids, as I know I can find a way to handle myself but they are innocent in all this. But W has conditioned herself to ignore anything negative that relates to what happens to kids in divorce. She's convinced they are fine and wants to take them to a kid friendly shrink to prove it to me. I have no problem with that, but if the shrink says they are feeling horrible I don't think that will make a difference to my W.

If she really was concerned about the kids she would not have allowed herself to get in this situation with the OM.

[idontunderstand]

I know what you mean. If my wife and I didn't have kids, would I put myself through all of this? I don't know. I love her and think marriage is a lifetime commitment, but if it was just she and I.......
The kids are innocent and have done nothing to deserve this, and no matter how hard we try, if it comes down to a divorce, I will feel like I let them down and failed them.

How can the WAW seem like they have no concern for the kids? I don't know if I'll ever understand that one. I know they don't like us anymore, but come on.

[pigskin]

I know what you mean. If my wife and I didn't have kids, would I put myself through all of this? I don't know. I love her and think marriage is a lifetime commitment, but if it was just she and I.......
The kids are innocent and have done nothing to deserve this, and no matter how hard we try, if it comes down to a divorce, I will feel like I let them down and failed them.

How can the WAW seem like they have no concern for the kids? I don't know if I'll ever understand that one. I know they don't like us anymore, but come on.

As I've told my W before, staying in a marriage for the kids is not good, I agree. TRYING your damndest to fix and save the marriage because of the kids is an obligation of having them...

[Coach]

You guys are focused way too much about how your wives are doing the wrong thing. I bet they pick up on your judgemental attitude, how atractive is that? What can you control? What are solutions? How can you lead?

Who is this a picture of?


.

Cindy Crawford. Quit focusing on the birthmark and step back and look at the big picture.