flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[CityGirl]

Another thing to keep firmly planted in your mind is how important it is to let comments the WAS makes roll off your back.

Yes, they are insensitive and hurtful but I often think the WAS has NO CLUE how insensitive and hurtful they really are.

Shortly after my H moved out he called me from work and asked if he could come by and pick something up. He said he was getting out of work at 7, had to quickly mow his grandparents lawn after work and would be here at 9. I said okay. I told him I was making turkey burgers and asked him if he would like one. He said he would.

Well, 9 passed... 9:30, 10:00 and no H. I ate my dinner (silently fuming he could be so rude and not even show up) and went about my business. Shortly after 11pm he called and I could hear he was in a bar. He said "sorry I am late, I got a better offer". I was stunned he could even say something like that. I told him it was late and I would tape what he needed to the door.

He finally got here around midnight and knocked on the door. The first words out of his mouth where "I realized what I said on the phone was rude. When I said "better offer" I meant a better offer than mowing the lawn". (his better offer was drinks with OW, lol!) I said fine. He then asked where his turkey burger was. I mean, really? You show up more than three hours late and expect me to hold dinner? I told him I had finished dinner hours ago. He got VERY nasty and said "fine, I guess I don't need to eat" and stomped out.

WAS are in a selfish state they rarely think about how small comments or actions can hurt the LBS. IOW, try (not easy, I know) to not take it personally.

[rr22]

CG:
He finally got here around midnight and knocked on the door. The first words out of his mouth where "I realized what I said on the phone was rude. When I said "better offer" I meant a better offer than mowing the lawn". (his better offer was drinks with OW, lol!) I said fine. He then asked where his turkey burger was. I mean, really? You show up more than three hours late and expect me to hold dinner? I told him I had finished dinner hours ago. He got VERY nasty and said "fine, I guess I don't need to eat" and stomped out.

WAS are in a selfish state they rarely think about how small comments or actions can hurt the LBS. IOW, try (not easy, I know) to not take it personally.



That is an awful story and very typical sounding. The fog of me, me, me "why ever should your feelings be hurt?" cluelessness I sometimes think is a mask for passive-aggressiveness. Don't know if FM's H is being passive aggressive, clueless, or now he fancies himself a relationship doctor (even though he was embarrassed to get "caught" playing that role in her house).

I KNOW that my H while in a total wreck and early walkaway mode was a "listening ear" for others' relationship problems. Which I found hilarious. My IC said it is sometimes a way to compensate for feeling like a failure. They try then to succeed at work or in "helping" others with their problems because they have so utterly failed to address their own sitches. It is to address their self esteem. Not sure if what she said is true or not, but it was interesting.

[newmama]

Yes, getting yourself a back up plan together just in case is essential. I am Ms. Optimism but have 99% my ducks in a row for if/when he files for D. I would be shocked if you didn't have a plan, Flowmom! You are super resourceful, and smart! So it is kinda dumb for me to even say "get prepared"...sorry.

[flowmom]

Thanks for your words of support and encouragement: every one. This is officially a low. I am having trouble eating and having trouble holding back the tears. I haven't been emotional like this in weeks but I guess I knew it had to come. The good thing is that reality is sinking in.

Today I am dealing with stuff about my children, and that is painful too. Try to organize diagnosis services, trying to figure out how to get S6 into an education program, going to a Waldorf preschool open house this morning to look into it for D3, only to find out that it's unlikely that she will get in.

Aver, you officially get the quotation of the week award for my thread:

Unfortunately, this darn detachment thing isn't like undoing velcro. More like: what is the best, least painful way to chew my arm off to save my life, and then just be joyful to be alive with the possibility of getting a good prosthetic arm?

I have plans to go out with my sister, BIL and friend on Saturday night for my birthday, but right now it just feels like an unpleasant obligation.

[flowmom]

I would be shocked if you didn't have a plan, Flowmom! You are super resourceful, and smart! So it is kinda dumb for me to even say "get prepared"...sorry.

I don't have a plan. I am not a planner at all. Hoping for the best and preparing for the worst is not my forte at all and it will require a lot of emotional energy for me to hold that duality as I move forward.

[CityGirl]

Well, maybe it would be a bit easier if you broke things down to the absolute basics right now.

On the emotional side of things you must work on detaching.

On the "logistical" side of things you must (and it sounds like you are working on this, very good!) find childcare for your children so you can begin earning a stable income.

This is really a win-win. If you and your H do divorce you will have a good start on the next phase. If you and your H reconcile the detachment is a healthy place to be AND your extra income will help with the money troubles.

When things seemed so very bleak to me that is how I tried to look at things... if we divorce then I will be on the right path OR if we reconcile at least X, X and X will be taken care of and the stress of the "logistical issue" will be removed.

[Lost Rabbit]

Echo CG.. ok my S (21) has his own job so supports himself, but I got myself back to work and although I really resented it at first given up my "kept woman" lifestyle, I have got used to it and little did I know back in august when I started job hunting what a life saver it would be.. also has earnt me some respect from H as I actually sympathised with him being in the same position having to go to work when he didnt really want too.

[flowmom]

On the "logistical" side of things you must (and it sounds like you are working on this, very good!) find childcare for your children so you can begin earning a stable income.

This is really a win-win. If you and your H do divorce you will have a good start on the next phase. If you and your H reconcile the detachment is a healthy place to be AND your extra income will help with the money troubles.

All makes sense, and it's also very very clear that earning a serious income is one of the only 180 actions that would have a faint hope of making H sit up and notice.

There are reasons that I haven't done this already though. "Finding childcare" is not so simple. My S6 has autism and behaviour issues and it's really hard to make childcare work. Right now we have 6 hours a week of childcare and there are many factors that contribute to making it work that can't be easily replicated. I know it's not impossible, but it's hard to find childcare providers who can actually do the things that S6 needs (big nature outings, including driving there), not just the easy stuff (short time periods in a mellow part of the day). D3 is also a sensitive child who is showing a lot of fragility. Finding childcare is a serious stressor for every single work-outside-the-home mother in my geographic area...the cost of living is high, making it hard for childcare providers to afford to live here. Realistically, I would be looking at approx $20/hr for the calibre of childcare provider that my children would need. And in order to earn enough money to make it worth it to pay out that much, I would have to continue to work as a self-employed consultant, which involves a lot less predictability in my schedule and work timelines. That's always been a challenge. That and my brutal procrastination issues.

Actually addressing my procrastination issues with my self-employed work is my #1 thing that I need to do to take care of myself right now. I believe I have ADHD and this is the only way that I can explain why this is such a problem for me.

[CityGirl]

I understand finding childcare is not simple, especially with an autistic child. I also know this will take a bit of time but it seems like you have little choice AT THIS TIME. While you are a wonderful mother there is no way to work, home school and be with your children during non-schooling hours. Not because you are not awesome but you have only have two arms and two legs!

When my H's cousin was diagnosed with autism (she was right around 2 years old) her parents contacted the Autism Society. It may be called something different in Canada but I bet there is a like organization. Not only did they find support groups and a true support system but they learned of so many resources including childcare. It may not hurt to seek out support from an organization to see what resources they have. Often times it seems other parents in the same boat are your best resource.

I know you don't want to hear any of this but right now it's just what you have to do. I just did a few quick Googles (childcare and your area) and I do see what a problem it is based on the few articles I read. However there must be some solution. I wish I had a solution for you but I don't. So we will just support you and encourage you until you find one.

I wonder if you procrastinate because you don't want things to change? I gather (and it's wonderful IMO) you really like being a SAHM and homeschooling your children. And now that will have to change for the time being. If you get your self employment up and running again that means things will be changing.

Change is scary but it can be good. It's hard to get started.

Since childcare is such an issue in your area have you considered taking on a child or two during the day for a working mother/father? If I understood the article I read correctly you can watch up to 2 children a day (outside of your own children) without have to obtain any sort of license. I realize having four children to care for each day is, well, A LOT!

I don't know really what the answer is. Just trying to brainstorm.

You have done LOTS of good work in the past 24 hours. Keep that in mind as you deal with this next set of hurdles.

[flowmom]

So continuing to work on developing detachment:
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

I did step 1 here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1950158#Post1950158

Now onto:

Step 2: Once you have identified the persons, places and things you have a toxic relationship with, then you need to take each one individually and work through the following steps.

Step 3: Identify the irrational beliefs in the toxic relationship which prevent you from becoming detached. Address these beliefs and replace them with healthy, more rational ones.

Irrational beliefs:

If I love H enough he will love me back.

H can't assume the full responsibility of being a parent.

I can't make it on my own financially.

My value derives from what H values in me.

H needs my influence to be a good person and father.

H will die if I don't take care of him physically.
[my father died months after my mother and my sister (1yo) and I (3yo) left him]

A mate is for life.

My children will be scarred for life by divorce.

It's better to not know the whole truth.

If I "fix" H's complaints about me, we can heal our marriage.

I can avoid failure in my M if I just work hard enough.

Divorce is the worst thing that could happen to me.

I deserve to suffer for my faults.

I deserve to suffer for my mistakes.

My needs and wants are less important than those of others in the family.

--

This is not my idea of fun.