My uncle gave me some advice a month or two ago that I didn't fully appreciate until later. His advice was once I was done with the D, don't ever look back.
That will be a tough one for now. Time will be its ally, I'm sure. But now? Whew!
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
So, don't torture yourself with her problems and lack of willingness to work on the M.
I'm not. Really. Just some after-the-fact second-guessing.
Thanks.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I'm not. Really. Just some after-the-fact second-guessing.
I still do this at times as well, and it's not healthy for us. We can second guess and look back with 20/20 vision, but it won't change where we are now, or where we are going
Where we are going is a journey of our own, on our own currently.
I hope that the experience we have gained by our past helps to shape our future better than we had shaped our future in past years.. If that makes any sense..
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
[I hope that the experience we have gained by our past helps to shape our future better than we had shaped our future in past years.. If that makes any sense..
No, I gotcha. Made perfect sense.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Okay gang, Tonights question is one I raised over on Newcomers some months back. No takers. Background: I was talking on Newcomers about sitting in Mediator's office while then STBXW and mediator had a short exchange about what surname STBXW would be using after the D. Well, she didn't like her maiden name, Wouldn't go back to 1st H's surname, though that's her kids' last name (obviously). "No, I'm going to keep Gardener. Mediator: "Okay. Remaining Gardener."
At that moment - and in the back of my mind periodically these last weeks - I'm thinking, "Hello? There's a third person in this room who might want to be at least acknowledged, if not considered, in this little talk: the man whose name it is?!?
I know I'm quite possibly being petty and uncharacteristically chauvinist-sounding, here. but - Is it unreasonable of me to let my X know that her unilateral decision to retain the surname Gardener is unacceptable to me?
Whaddaya think? Ladies?
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I kept my married name. I've seen women after lengthy marriages revert to their maiden name while all their friends go, "huh?".
Perhaps I'm just a bit too simple or lazy. It's my kids last name. I'm their mom. It's my last name.
Annnnddddd... at least for me.. it seemed a little petty to change it. Like Jeff said, the last name affects me far more than what may or may not appeal to the former spouse.
And the former spouse has no say in the matter.
My choice.
It's kinda like the former spouse demanding the undies back I'm wearing because he gave them to me.
XW chose to go back to her maiden name. But I could see not doing it, after having a name for almost 25 years, working under that name, banking under that name, etc., changing could be quite a pain.
I don't plan on changing my name. Honestly, it was a major pain to change it the first time around and it is who I am. I actually never even thought about it until my attny asked me what I wanted in the decree. Our decree states it is my choice on what to do with my name. My H never asked or objected or brought it up with his attny or with me.
While I don't think a name is a minor detail I guess there was so much else to decide and think about it never dawned on me to focus on my name.
If my H really felt strongly about it and wanted me to go back to my maiden name I guess I would consider it. He has never brought it up so I guess it isn't a big deal to him.
If that makes any sense..