Go back and read some of the posts from earlier from Puppy. What your looking for here is COMMITMENT not COMPLIANCE. He is still giving you compliance "what can i do to prove it to you?" stuff. What is commitment? I think somebody said earlier this is his mess and if he wants to show you he is commited he knows (or can at least try to think) of ways to show you that. He wants to dump it all on you. See I've ended the affair the ball's back in your court. No way!
I really think telling him you are trying to work though this stuff and that your not comfortable making any decisions right now is a good response. If he's commited he will respect your feelings. I think in the interim you will learn alot about him.
Gritter
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
didn't speak a word. He truly sucks the life out of the room. He doesn't look very good and you can feel his negative energy. I didn't stay long. Said goodbye and that was that.
I have to say that I felt kind of empty after leaving. I had the feeling that I wanted to call and speak to him.. but I haven't given in. I need to wait and see what he is going to do. Let him make the effort 100%..right?
I would think this is the time you want to become "the better option." is that how we put it here?
if he is all drawn out, haggard, depressed, looking like crap...
go in the opposite direction!
Be the life of the party. Upgrade your wardrobe. Go all out. SMILE SMILE SMILE. And start having the time of your life no matter what you are doing. what does that girl sing ...
The party dont start till I walk in...
Right.
Get out of limbo by making things happen for yourself. I know a lot of very smart people say don't be punitive about their course of actions. but crap. Start having fun yourself. Even if it means moving forward with your life without them. Let them see what a great, happy person they neglected. (And now have to win back)
Ever read the threads on this site?
Marriage goes south. Wife gives husband the ILYBINILWY. Starts having a life of her own. Possible other guy in the picture.
And, so often, the husband goes freaking depressive. Whining, begging, crying, anti-depressants, starts up with how can you do this to the children arguments, the whole nine yards. correct?
And the WAW is even further repelled.
I bet every woman they meet is like, 'nope. downer!' All he talks about is his failing marriage and STBXW. yuck!
Do not join the pity party. Make the happy emotions the norm. You will then realize, you are not in limbo, people are attracted to you, and you have choices.
not really a pep talk to send you into battle with. so i will end it with, start with 50 situps and some jumping jacks and see where your day goes from there
How does everyone quote previous posts?? I cannot seem to do it ; )
Husband called this morning and asked if I got his email. I told him that it was not necessary to send me that kind of stuff. Used Puppy's statement- I need a commitment..not compliance. He agreed..said that none of that will make a difference. He proceeded to say that only time will allow me to trust him. He needs to continuously do the right thing and at some point..I will realize that he can be trusted again.
He told me that his affair was to compensate for his unhappiness. He never replaced things from his childhood that made him happy and he was resorting back to childish ways. Acting like a boy instead of a man. (said this revelation was a result of therapy). I asked him if he has given any thought to what the 'replacement' will be? (like having an affair was ever a good replacement). ughh. Response: working on it.
He proceeded to tell me that there was nothing good that came out of his affair. He doesn't like the person he has become. He doesn't like the way he has acted. It has changed his personality. He risked his career..had to lie to his boss. He has lost touch with his friends and family. of course hurt me. This is how he is getting thru this..and ending it for good...by reminding himself that this affair was an addiction and not good for him.
He wants to work on our marriage. I told him that I didn't want our marriage back. If we were going to work on this.. I refuse to have gone thru all this hell to not get something even better than what we had before. I mentioned this in previous posts...our marriage really wasn't plagued with too many issues- just the normal stuff. I always felt like his affair was a result of his own issues. But there are quite a few areas that I would like to improve...especially his moodiness. I asked him if he recognized that he is suffering from depression. He told me that his therapist never called it that...he was just unhappy. I really hope that his therapist does his job...it is so clear to all around him that he is suffering from something..not just "I miss my childhood blues".
He wants to come home at the end of the month. I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea. I wanted him to extend his lease. He didn't understand why. I told him that I didn't want to watch him lick his wounds after ending this affair and I still needed to sort out my feelings about everything. I also told him that I think we needed to get to know eachother again. We haven't been intimate since November and I am not ready for it. I am just not ready for him to come home.. I didn't want to say that I needed to see improvement in him..because then I felt like that would put me back in the 'mother' role..monitoring his actions. I just need to feel 'safe' to allow him back into my life. His timely 'epiphany' does not leave a warm and comfy feeling in my stomach. He made a joke that I just didn't want him to come home because I have a girls weekend plan (bunch of my friends escaping their lives to my house for a weekend of spa, wine, and food). I didn't tell him that 'girls weekend' is this weekend.
We discussed going to MC in addition to him continuing to go to IC. We have never done MC before and I am wondering how this is going to work. If we/I decide to work on this marriage..I need the dynamics to change. I feel like he has had the upper hand for so long. All of you are right...it needs to be a partnership..companionship. I am just scared to death. He went back to the OW after 4 months. What are my boundaries here? What message am I sending if I try again? That it is OK to have an affair if you are down or depressed? I also don't want to give up on my marriage because I don't believe my husband to be a serial cheater. I think this will be his one and only affair...but I have been wrong about a lot of things.
Steve McQ- because I still dont know how to quote..here is what you said. --And, so often, the husband goes freaking depressive. Whining, ---begging, crying, anti-depressants, starts up with how can you ---do this to the children arguments, the whole nine yards.correct? --And the WAW is even further repelled.
--I bet every woman they meet is like, 'nope. downer!' All he --talks about is his failing marriage and STBXW. yuck!
You might think so...but the WAW is a piece of Trash- with a capital 'T'. She wants my life and will eat my H's sh** if she needed to in order to escape the life that she has. She wants someone to take care of her and her two illegitimates. This is the 2nd married attorney that she has cougared. To quote Kanye- "she ain't nothin but a gold digger...". She is waiting in the wings.
He wants to come home at the end of the month. I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea. I wanted him to extend his lease. He didn't understand why. I told him that I didn't want to watch him lick his wounds after ending this affair and I still needed to sort out my feelings about everything. I also told him that I think we needed to get to know eachother again. We haven't been intimate since November and I am not ready for it. I am just not ready for him to come home.. I didn't want to say that I needed to see improvement in him..because then I felt like that would put me back in the 'mother' role..monitoring his actions. I just need to feel 'safe' to allow him back into my life. His timely 'epiphany' does not leave a warm and comfy feeling in my stomach. He made a joke that I just didn't want him to come home because I have a girls weekend plan (bunch of my friends escaping their lives to my house for a weekend of spa, wine, and food). I didn't tell him that 'girls weekend' is this weekend.
We discussed going to MC in addition to him continuing to go to IC. We have never done MC before and I am wondering how this is going to work. If we/I decide to work on this marriage..I need the dynamics to change. I feel like he has had the upper hand for so long. All of you are right...it needs to be a partnership..companionship.
Lola,
I'll help you more later (as will others, I'm sure) with the whole "boundaries" thing. But I didn't want to let this moment to pass without letting you know, I think you are one smart, tough woman. You handled the above unbelievably well.
My hat is off to you, lady. It is a rare animal, indeed, who can pull off the "let's not move too quickly here" thing. Most let them come running back, immediately, boundary-less.
Lola, you were right not to allow your H to move back in at the end of his lease. It's too soon and you don't need him to come back because it's convenient timing. When my BF was out of the house we started piecing with the understanding that he was not going to move back in until I was ready for that.
You misunderstood Steve. He was not talking about the OW, he was talking about the WAW (walkaway wife). His point was that when a W leaves her H, he usually gets all whiny and pathetic which is SO not attractive. He was reminding you to not get all whiny and pathetic, to instead to the exact opposite. And that I totally agree with.
So what have you done to work on you? Have you identified your part in the problems in your M? Have you worked on remedying them? What have you done to GAL? What have you done to treat yourself?
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I agree with Puppy great job! I think the real issue here is what causes a person, who is in a comitted relationship, and has taken marriage vows and should know that marriage is a partnership of equals- to risk his career, you and just about everthing else to have an affair with a tramp?
I just don't know what goes through a person's head when they make that decision. It wasn't the BBD (Bigger Better Deal) What value did he gain? Can you truly trust someone to be rational the next time he is confronted with that decision? It's not logical. He didn't value or even think of his commitment. The question is why? And why will he now? I see a lot of hoping his therapist gets to work on him and wishing you will get something better, and "I don't think he's a serial cheater". There is a big IF here and i think you better be comfortable with the reasons and the cure before you let your guard down.
I am struggling with this same question with my W.
Gritter
Last edited by Truegritter; 03/03/1006:47 PM.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I think the real issue here is what causes a person, who is in a comitted relationship, and has taken marriage vows and should know that marriage is a partnership of equals- to risk his career, you and just about everthing else to have an affair with a tramp?
I just don't know what goes through a person's head when they make that decision. It wasn't the BBD (Bigger Better Deal) What value did he gain? Can you truly trust someone to be rational the next time he is confronted with that decision? It's not logical. He didn't value or even think of his commitment. The question is why?
Google "phenylethlamine" and "love addiction" and you will better understand what goes through their head.
It wasn't until I learned to view affairs as very powerful ADDICTIONS, that I could begin to understand why men would throw away highly successful careers, and women would throw away their own children and families. To me, it's the ONLY thing that makes ANY sense whatsoever, it can be proven physiologically (phenylethlamine-soaked brains even look different on CAT scans!!!), and it is the basis for the entire "one MUST first separate the addict from the source of their addiction" position.
Puppy, my wife is living with the OM and has one of the kids with her over there. The OM split from his wife and my W split from me for him---I haven't much hope of separating her from her addiction---if you get a chance, would you read my whole story and give me some advice? Thanks so much
Pearlharbor- So what have you done to work on you? Have you identified your part in the problems in your M? Have you worked on remedying them? What have you done to GAL? What have you done to treat yourself?
After d-day #1- My husband told me that he was used to being put on a pedestal (good athlete, only boy, smart etc).. his parents doted on him endlessly. He said that I didn't do that enough. I agreed..we were both very busy with our careers at that time. He said that we were boring. I agreed with that as well. We spent so many years traveling because of my job- being back at home became kind of mundane..we were also not going out so much because we were saving money to do work on the house. He said that I wasn't happy and he was right- there were several things I wasn't happy with. So I immediately made some changes.
I went out and bought "His needs, Her needs". I started working only 9 hour days..I didn't go into work so early any longer. I got a cleaning lady so that I wasn't annoyed that he didn't lend a hand around the house. I started cooking simpler meals so that I can do things I enjoy. I started Pilates and got Rosetta Stone to learn Italian. We were going out 3 nights a week- dinner, drinks, whatever. On the weekends and some work nights- we both went biking together and really made it our thing to do together. I was actually very happy after making these changes. I started seeing a therapist so that I could work on my feelings about his affair. He seemed happy with these changes as well....but then I noticed a change once again in him. The summer ended and it started getting colder..he started working later.. more excuses.
After d-day #2- At this point I am at a loss. He tells me that he needs to get help and prove to me that he is the man that I married and win back my love. He doesn't know how he can hurt me like this. For the next month he is miserably depressed...miserably. He comes home and sleeps on the couch. We aren't really communicating..I am waiting for a change..he is doing nothing!! I begin seeing my friends more and more. I am not cooking dinner for him..No laundry..no nothing!! He told me he broke it off again but I just knew he was talking to her. I left for awhile..then I needed him to leave. We needed to give this whole thing space. I made a comment before separating that I wish he could take his affair to the bitter end..because right now it was the forbidden relationship..still illicit. I told him to move in with her. I really assumed that during our separation he would have done some soul searching..not continue to cultivate an affair with the OW. He took it as I gave him permission.. Like that would ever happen.
During this two month separation...I have had a life outside of him. I have on occassion been needy..especially in the beginning. I did try to talk him into our marriage..I did try to talk him out of his affair.. He did start going to IC during this time..I continued with mine. I have made plans as if he was not coming home.
It almost seems like he always knew he was going to come back home. When he wanted me to give him ways that he can prove the affair is over..I didnt have anything. He asked why I havent been giving this any thought. I told him that I had no expectations.. He seemed to be very surprised about this. I know there are things in our marriage that can improve..unfortunately I cannot really get much out of him. It appears that his problems are because of his issues..he says he doesn't blame any of this on me or our marriage...they are his problems. Whatever this means. I actually do have some issues with this marriage...for one his moodiness which I mentioned before. Like most of the people on this site, our spouse treated us like garbage during the affair. It is hard to remember pre-affair life..when he treated me better. Does he now just continue to treat me like [censored] because we have established a pattern? or does this go away? I think everyone is familiar with the blame game that the WS plays to relieve guilt. "I am going to cheat on you...and then treat you like scum because of it"- so rational. ugh
