Just want my H back

[talia]

"And I realize the more harsh/tough approach does not work w my H. Being agreeable and amicable does more (not to mean I'm going to let him walk all over me). Here's the thing - in some ways I feel the email was a backslide for me b.c now that this process is rolling/becoming more final, I feel myself wanted to grasp on more..I'm feeling it harder to move on all over again. I wish I had followed the 'if it's not going to hurt you legally or emotionally just wait' track. I don't want to have a part in making this final/happen. I think it would be easier to accept this if I did nothing (and still moved on) and let him take action when the time is right. I felt so much better before this recent exchange we had...and I wish I could continue that process. I felt fine and strong past couple of weeks...the reality and finality always makes it so much harder."

I think you need to evaluate WHY you think your approach was harsh. IMO YOU were not harsh and YOU are not responsible for how he perceived your email. HE is the one being harsh and its got nothing to do with you - he's taking HIS emotions out on you. You don't deserve that.

"And here's the thing - I now feel like I do not want to sign anything. I want to move to CA and continue to heal and get on with my life, but I still don't want to make this final. Fighting him on the D at this point prob not good, but I don't want to do anything right now when I am a bit stressed about move and other stuff in my life. "

This is avoidance.... I'm not saying you can't wait to do this until the moving stress is over.. but I think you need to really look at why you want to avoid ending something that doesn't exist anymore.

"I guess I am just feeling really really sad. And I know it won't last forever...I go through the motions and will myself to get out of this place (I've done it before - I know I can), but I feel that wave of being totally heartbroken again. I cried to sleep a bit last night..just feeling so sad about how his family has made zero contact w me this past year, just totally written me off (I know that hurts my mom too, she's written Xmas cards to them and just wanted to keep peace)...it's sad how someone can be a part of your life - larger extended fam that is - and then just basically make you feel you never existed. It hurts. I'm sad that he walked and took the easy way out...sometimes I feel disbelief still a bit over the whole thing, other times much more ok with it."

Totally a natural part of the grieving process - HOWEVER - I think this might be an example that your best solution is to just get out of the car. You can't control how THEY handle any situation.. and you have to know that - again - it probably NOT related to how they feel about you ... its got to be more related to their feelings/loyalty to H. ITS NOT PERSONAL... just keep that in mind.

I was in church on Sunday thinking about how I was 8-10 months ago..I remembered going to church and feeling so anxious I could barely sit still. This past Sunday I felt calm, ok, relaxed. Now those anxiety feelings are back again. But I had them last Dec when we met and he gave me the simple paperwork - I felt like i was going to fall apart - and then a few days later back home with friends and fam I felt fine. So that's the roller coaster I guess.

Each step toward finalizing can the a new round in the grieving process - at least thats what my IC says. Take it for what it is and go through the steps.. don't get hung up on it.

[quote=hhh]I want to continue to heal. I want to be OK. Happy. Love again. Right now I'm fighting it again though, I'm sad...I feel like I miss him again, somehow. Sometimes the loss just cuts so deep. I lost my father 8 yrs ago and this pain is definitely so much worse. At the same time I've had way more happy/fun times than sad times over these past 6 months, and I'd like that to continue. [quote=hhh]

You have total control over making this happen for yourself!

[quote=hhh]We have our tax call tonite...keeping it simple and businesslike. We've had decent/kind text/email exchanges these past few days. I emailed him Mon night saying I'd be happy to work w him on being more flexible, but please don't blame me for things that are consquences of your not wanting to be married again. He emailed back an apology and saying we both had a role in getting where we were, let's just move past that and keep ourselves in a good place. [quote=hhh]


I think you might be finding false hope in the recent communications. H has shown he can only be nice to you when its on his terms... He is trying to control you withi his apology... NO apology should ever be qualified ... EVER. "I'm sorry BUT..." is not an apology. Its a control mechanism to manipulate you into doing what he wants with guilt. Don't fall into that trap.

[quote=hhh]I move in 1 wk from today. I just don't want to be part of pushing this process forward right now. If he presents me w papers (he said he called the courthouse this wk to inquire about forms, I know my email/our discussion prompted him to do this...that's why I was feeling some regret..I don't want to be part of pushing this along). I want to be in a better state/probably in CA when I feel more OK doing this. Maybe it's avoidance...but I don't want to do this. I am still fighting the D internally right now. I try to practice acceptance but I am having a hard time now.. How do I continue to DB and heal myself now?[quote=hhh]


You aren't pushing anything forward! This is going to happen no matter what - unless H finally see's the error of his ways - which dosen't look likely. You need to STOP telling yourself that you have any kind of influence over him. NOTHING you do - no one thing - is going to GREATLY influence the situation. You didn't "DO" anything by sending that email. He's still manipulating you into being nice to him and placating him by suggesting anything else. Don't fall into it.


You've honored your commitments to him that were made during your lunch. The rest is in his court - let him handle it. Don't stress yourself out too much about it - YOU DIDN'T put a D in motion - HE DID 1 year ago when HE left... Just remember that....

(((((HHH)))))

T